Master's kitten

Cry Of My Heart

2010-06-05T22:36:00.005-04:00

Look around and see Your wonderful life
It's all most perfect from the outside
In picture frames You see Your beautiful wife
Always smiling but on the inside
Cant You hear her saying

Lead me with Your strong hands
Stand up when i cant
Don't leave me hungry for love
Your chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me You're willing to fight
That i'm still the love of Your life
i know we call this our home
But i still feel alone

Master and i had a horrible day today. Master dropped the "d" word again; (divorce) and it completely shattered my heart to pieces. i don't know what to do or think anymore. Sometimes i firmly believe this whole d/s thing is some false illusion that does not really exist. At least not in our world... anymore.

i am so tired from all the fighting. Master is asleep in the bed right now, and i don't even know if i should go up there. Hell, i don't even know if He would even notice if i didn't come to bed at all tonight. He didn't say a word to me the whole drive home (over 2 hours) it was complete silence and me just left to doubt and question everything in my head because i don't know what the silence was supposed to mean. It was very cold, and i feel like i am falling into someplace dark and scary...yet i am trying to keep myself together for the baby's sake. Ughh.

i will post more tomorrow or something. Let me sort out all the emotions from today.

Wandering Mind

2010-06-04T22:31:00.002-04:00

Tonight i did something totally out of character for myself. We are having a new deck put on our house, and it looks amazing! It's so cozy, and comfortable, and it's just more then anything i have ever had at any place i have ever lived at (Thank you Mr. Landlord) Well, the new deck has built in lights in the ceiling of it. It's been storming here on and off tonight, and after i put the little one to bed, i decided to grab some paper and a pen and head outside to sit, write, and cry while the rain poured, the lightening struck, and the thunder rolled.

When i first got with Master, i never envisioned our lives being quite like this. Honestly, it was never supposed to turn out like this. i love Master with all my heart. There has never been a time where i wonder if i still love Him. There has never been a time where i have been like, wow this was a stupid choice, but this was just not how Master and i envisioned for our lives together.

i am so blessed to be married to Master. i am even more blessed to have His children. i am so grateful to be pregnant again, and i love feeling this baby move and remember the night we conceived (seriously... we always know the exact time it happens! It's kinda funny) i am blessed to have a Master who takes my thoughts and feelings into consideration. i am happy to have a Master who supports me being at home no matter what the cost. i am thankful Master trusts me with so much, and depends on me for different things.

With all that being said, i am really feeling like a horrible person. ok. Well, not person. Horrible slave. i have not done anything that is directly "slave like" in i don't know how long. Even saying the word "Master" feels so foreign now. It's causing me so much trouble just to type about this all really.

Perhaps i have unrealistic expectations of myself. Perhaps my problem is that i have expectations of myself period... and not relying on only Master's expectations. (That's all beside the point with this post... maybe a topic for next time)

If one of Master's guy friends/coworkers/online buddies were to ask Master to describe His slave/wife ... i would honestly want Master to be able to say with a huge smile how perfect i am. (That sounded totally prissy!) Not in the "i am entitled and i the best with no effort" kind of perfect... i mean the "He trained me and made me perfect for Him" kind of perfect. Unfortunately, if Master were asked that right now, i think He would admit there are ways He is not getting what He needs from me. It hurts to think about.

Tonight while i was outside with the pen and paper, i was thinking about how there is plenty of love, but no more D/s. Seriously. None. Never. Ever. Ever. It seems like we allow lief to creep in and rob us of what we both really want. Why? i guess that's what i need to figure out.

i know Master has said before He wants me to take initiative with it. You know, He's sick of being denied, so He wants me to show Him i am ready again. Well, i don't think i will ever be ready because of fear. So if i am too scared to take the first plunge, and Master is sick of being denied... how can the cycle go back to how it was? i know there have been some terrible things that have happened that have forced us both to put up some walls (completely outside circumstances) but we both have let the other "down" by not being there for the other in a time of need because we were both trying to deal with our own emotions regarding the situation (phew! What a mouth full that was to get out!!!)

i am so ashamed to say this but Master and i have not even had sex in i don't know how long. Seriously. Months. Sure, some of it is pregnancy related... and that's understandable. However, my heart breaks every time i see porn searched on the computer... i understand He has needs, and i understand i am neglecting those needs... so really, it's all my own fault. However, i don't see how to add back in the d/s with the schedules we have. It's just not... practical.

Sure, when we talk about things day to day that need done? Yeah... i ask Master what needs to come first, or i present an idea to Him with the whole "is this ok?" or "what do you think if we did this....." i keep the house clean... i know that's submitting. i work hard to stay up when Master gets home from work to prepare a drink for Him (not alcohol FYI) and ask Him about His night at work... i make sure bills are paid... i take care of the little one... i send Master encouraging texts while He is gone... i wake up with the little one to allow Master to sleep... i help pack His lunches... i do all these small things to just try and make His day a little easier. i understand that's serving... but that's nothing like it was before. Is it wrong to not want to be content with that?

i am so afraid of so many different things. i think the ultimate internal battle is why submit physically and "allow" to have that d/s dynamic back when in 6 weeks, when Master leaves... it will be gone for 8 months. Sure, the mundane stuff i do now will still be there... but no sex, rare contact, and who knows what else. Not to mention i will be adjusting to life with a new baby, and being back in school, plus being a "single parent" while He is gone. i am so fearful to let go, let Master have all the power sexually, and just feel that release again... because in such a short time, it will all be gone again. Why put myself through that? To me it's stupid... yet to Master, it's me hurting Him by not doing it. Why am i so focused on preserving myself? Not on what my Master needs from me? *bangs head into wall*

Tonight i have just been so upset by all of this. i am an emotional mess about it all really. It just downright sucks! i know some of it is hormones, and i know a release like this can be freeing. It's actually really out of character for me... so who knows! Maybe change is on the way ;)

Update Time

2010-06-02T23:30:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the absence. It's all been baby related. i am very proud to say that i am all most positive the pre-term labor has stopped :) sooo, i am back on track with a great pregnancy, and only 8 weeks left!

That brings me to this next point. i know i mentioned Master would be leaving for 8 months a week before my due date. Master has re-enlisted with the military. (He is prior service) So, he leaves a week before i am due, and we wont see Him for 8 months.

i am all sorts of emotional in regards to this. i am:

Excited for our family, and what this means for us.

Nervous for my abilities to be strong while He is gone.

Sad for not only us being separated for that long, but for the effect on the children.

Anxious to know whether or not Master will be here for the birth of our baby girl or not.

Intimidated by the new way of life that awaits us as a military family.

Blessed to be able to count on a solid job for the next 4 years in a terrible economy.

Stoked that i am back to being a stay at home mother... i am where i belong again :)

Heartbroken that i will be sleeping alone for 8 months.

Scared for what lies ahead for Master in regards to health and safety while He's gone.

in regards to the birth and all, well i feel that right now, whatever is meant to happen will happen. If Master is meant to be here for this birth, help catch our baby, and be here for those first few coo's and whimpers, then that is one amazing thing. However, i am mentally preparing myself to birth alone and send pictures (and a thousand tears) to Master in a package. This is actually why we found out what the baby's sex was, for the simple fact that if Master was gone, He could at least know what we were having... and He picked out the name, which is absolutely gorgeous!

i have a wonderful support system set up, and Master is beginning to feel secure in being gone for the postpartum period. Last time around, i suffered postpartum depression pretty bad, and obviously Him not being around to help made Him very nervous. Now, He is seeing that everyone will be looking out for me while He is gone. i will really owe it to my family, a wonderful midwife, a supportive doula, and many friends.

i have a huge respect for military families, and i know these years will be difficult, yet i understand the importance of them for our family. Master did great when He was active duty before, so i am completely confident He will do the same this time around :) i have all ready been planning little things to do for Master while He is gone. Care packages, projects around the house, little surprises that would mean a lot to Him when He gets back home etc. etc.

i am so blessed, and i am so determined to keep a positive attitude about all of this. There is just that scary dark side of wondering if the worst wont happen, and i wont have my soldier ever again. That's what chokes me up. For right now? i know things are ok, and there is nothing to worry about.

Master, i am so proud of You and the choices You are making for our family! i will be the best military slave/wife You have ever seen! i love You more than anything in the world <3

So Complicated

2010-05-29T00:06:00.002-04:00

Master and i are so pissed off right now, and i am stressed out beyond belief. i promised i wouldn't make this an "all about pregnancy" blog, but i really, really, really need to vent.

i knew i was having issues "down there" with some serious swelling. Master even commented on it. Well, since we home birth and have a lay midwife, she encouraged us to go make an appointment with the backup OB office that we had seen several times before (and they have always been nice and wonderful) to get a culture done to test for an infection.

Well, i was scheduled with a person on their staff who obviously was not a fan of home birth, and they made my life hell. They refused to do a culture, and Master and i left upset. We had made another appointment, and we figured well, we will just get the culture done at that appointment (2 weeks later) So, the other day, we go to that appointment. Nope. The person who saw us before wrote in the chart we didn't need a culture done. So this doctor wouldn't even look at my "down there" parts, and obviously wouldn't culture me either.

We called the lay midwife and of course i was crying and upset. She encouraged me to call the local hospital and see if they would do it. The next morning i called, and they refused to do it (even if i faxed over my records from the backup OB) because "if the backup OB is refusing to culture you, then obviously they don't see a need for it to be done, so we wont do it either!" They told me to find a family doctor to culture me. A family doctor wont culture me because this is pregnancy related, and they do not do anything pregnancy related whatsoever!

i just cried and told Master i was going to bed, and that evidently, no one cared about this baby like we did (and the midwife) the next morning, i began leaking fluid, cramping, and having contractions that were about a 5 on the pain scale. Master called the midwife, and she told us to head on over to her house. She checked me out and said, it's evidently an infection... and because it's gone so long without being treated because everyone is refusing to culture me, i was in preterm labor at 31 weeks!!

We went to the hospital where my backup OB's practice out of, and we insisted on a culture. i was hooked up to monitors, and i was really uncomfortable and stressed out being in that environment. What do you know? The results came back, and i have 2 infections! The one is kind of severe because it had been sitting so long. The doctor explained to me that it might be too late, so if i am still feeling the pre term labor symptoms, or if they get worse, that i need to go back in, have an emergency c-section, and have this baby live in the NICU for the next 8 weeks or so. (Mind you, the closest NICU to us is 45 minutes away... so talk about a lot of seperation!)

Well, i got the prescriptions started and all, and i felt relieved that at least finally, i was being treated for something i KNEW was wrong. Now, the anger is kicking in. We filed a formal complaint, and hopefully, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. Tonight, i started spotting, so i am really trying to take it easy and not stress. i have been crying on and off all night as Master has been at work, and i have been at home with the toddler running around. i just cant do it all.

Master has been sooo amazing and supportive through all of this. i am such a wreck to be honest. i do not want to give birth in a hospital whatsoever, and i will be so pissed off if my child is subjected to a less than ideal birth experience, and has her life endangered all because no one would do a culture on me that takes less than 30 seconds to perform. Not to mention, this will intervene with our bonding, breastfeeding relationship, and because of everything, i have no clue what would happen with our toddler son.... he cant be at the NICU... and obviously 45 minutes one way i cant just leave him with a sitter or something.

Master and i will be heartbroken if something goes wrong here. i just need this baby to stay in for 5 more weeks... and then we can have the home birth, and move forward!! So please baby, please just get through these next 5 weeks!! That's all we need to do! ok? ok <3

Master will be home soon, and i am very excited about that. i really need to curl up in His arms and just drift to sleep.

Happy Ending

2010-05-27T00:02:00.002-04:00

The other night Master came home from work and i was awake doing some research on the computer. i could tell He had a rough night at work, and He was evidently dead tired. We talked for a while before heading up to bed, and we quickly went to the normal sleep time position (me curled up with His body over mine, and His hand over me on my baby belly!)

i figured this would be a time to bring some sexual stuff back into our relationship. So, i rolled over, and began kissing Him, and worshiping His chest (which, gets us both worked up!) i felt Him get hard quickly, and then i began using my hand to tease a little. Master grabbed the back of my head and shoved me down quickly to take His hard cock in my mouth..... and......

i smiled and devoured the whole thing :) i could not get enough! i craved His cock in my throat, i craved the smell, the intimate connection, and the satisfaction that i was serving my Master in a way He needed.

i begged for His cum in my mouth, which He happily obliged to. i laid back down next to Him, all snuggled in His arms and just smiled at Him.

i am amazed at what an oral fixation i have. Seriously, never before in my life have i ever craved something in my mouth. With Master? That's a whole new world. If i could somehow find a way to make a pacifier in the shape of His cock, i would be in Heaven... and would never talk again, just suck while the real deal couldn't be in there ;) ha!

One Happy Master

2010-05-22T22:35:00.002-04:00

Last night's surprise went really well :) i was extremely nervous because well, it's been a long time since i have been able to really go out of my way to do something nice for Master. i was intimidated, and fearful for Him being too tired to want to do anything besides sleep!

So, last night i put the little one to bed, and had a sitter come over around midnight. i went upstairs, put on some makeup, put on a cute top, and grabbed Master an extra change of clothes, some tennis shoes, new socks, and His cologne because i knew He would refuse to go out in public right after work (And He still put up a fight with me even with the extra clothes and cologne!!)

Then, i got in the car, drove to His work, and picked Him up. He was looking at me all suspicious, giving me that weird "i am not sure i want to know what's going on" look, and then i handed Him the stuff and said... go ahead and change :) i'm kidnapping You for the night!

He was hesitant at first, and even argued He should shower first... but i explained i didn't care ;) and reminded Him that i brought the cologne for a reason!

i drove Him to the bar that i used to work at (of course, for this small town it was also the only place open!!) and i treated Him to some beer, shots, and hot wings :) haha. Many of my regulars were there, and they kept wanting to buy me shots... which, they obviously forgot i was pregnant... but they happily bought Master a shot instead ;)

Master really seemed to enjoy His night, and i was enjoying something a little not so mundane. i figured hey, Master hasn't had wings and beer in a while ;) why not? ha.

We got home and when we were in bed, i told Him not to worry... that i was getting up with the little one in the morning... and He could sleep in until whenever He needed to because we didn't have anything on the schedule.

He woke up at noon this morning!!!!!!!!! Seriously?!? Noon! haha. :) i was so happy He had a nice night out and some much needed sleep. i really hope He knows how loved He is... and how much i appreciate all the hard work He is doing for our family. It definitely does not go unnoticed :)

i feel like everything in our Universe is starting to align once again. i am so grateful to be staying at home taking care of the little one, and i am so grateful to be able to spend my days serving Master in a more intimate way besides "bringing home the bacon."

i honestly feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now, and i can not wait for our new bundle of joy to enter this world :) All the changes coming in these next few months are going to take some elasticity to adapt... but i have no doubt we are back on the path we need to be... and we still have love :)

Cheers for today

2010-05-21T21:48:00.003-04:00

Today was my last day of work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully, forever... but if not forever, at least for quite a while. i was really nervous to see how today would go, and i was determined not to cry. Well, a few hugs from the kiddo's, a few presents later, and some very, very, kind and loving words in the cards i received? And well, i started crying.

i am overjoyed to be a stay at home mom and slave again. Honestly, i know everything in our world functions better when i am at home. Master knows it, i know it, and i am certain the little one knows it ;)

Today also wraps up Master's first week of work in a while. So, i have a special surprise planned for Him! i am a little nervous to see how it goes over, but i am sure it will work out just fine.

See, Master is working second shift, so He doesn't get out of work until 12:30 am or later. Since we have one vehicle, He has been getting a ride to work, then i have been dropping the vehicle off to Him after i am done with work, then i get a ride home, then He comes home to a sleeping house when He is off of work.

Tonight? Nope. That's not going to happen :) Tonight, i didn't take the car to Master's work. Instead, i am making Him walk ;) ahahaha. That would be the death of me ;) No seriously, i have a friend coming to babysit, and i am going to get all dolled up, pack some new clothes for Master, and His cologne (in case He smells after a long night!!) and then i am taking Him to the bar for a few drinks and some hot wings :)

i know He is exhausted, so i am just hoping He appreciates this little surprise as something completely out of the ordinary. After all, this whole week He has told me how He is physically exhausted after work, but mentally? Not so much. He has a hard time sleeping. i am certain, after a few drinks, He will be sleeping just fine tonight ;) ha. And, since i am pregnant, He does not have to worry about who is driving or anything! Obviously, i am not drinking, so nothing to worry about :)

i am having a really hard time staying awake though! Oh man i am tired! i also have so much to do before the sitter gets here! i need to clean, and get myself in the shower and start looking all cute for Master!! Of course, not super cute, because, ya know, i wouldn't want to upstage Him in the looks department at the bar tonight ;) hahaha.

Master... i love You so much!!! i really hope You enjoy tonight as much as i am looking forward to taking You out on the town ;) Thanks for all the hard work You do for this family, and thank You for always being the rock we can count on. i am nothing without You :)

Missing Him

2010-05-19T23:23:00.002-04:00

i am about to head to bed... without Master. i figured this whole going to bed without Him thing would get easier, but i actually found it easier to do the first night... and every night, it gets harder. i don't quite understand it, but i am seeking comfort in knowing He will be home and in bed soon.

i miss falling asleep to my body curled perfectly into His... His strong arms blanketing over my naked body... and His hand resting on my belly... bonding with our baby. The feeling of security i get from Master being next to me is something i cant put to words. All i know is that i miss it. Second shift can kiss my ass ;) hehe.

i know the little one misses His papa being here too. It's been so adorable. Tonight, the little one took Papa's hat upstairs to bed with him. It was too cute. i know this is an adjustment for everyone, Master included. i know we will make it, and i know we will settle into a routine that works for us.

All i know is i love my Master more than anything.... and i cant wait to snuggle into Him when He gets home in a few hours.

Power Struggle

2010-05-17T08:20:00.003-04:00

Master and i just endured, by far, the hardest situation we have ever had to in our entire relationship when we dealt with the whole "dark gray cloud" situation. To be honest, i really feel it took a huge toll on our relationship. Now that it's over (at least for now) we need to pick up the pieces and try to move forward. We need to readjust to our roles, and get back to the center that brought us together in the first place. Unfortunately, this is not providing to be an easy task for me whatsoever. i have never felt so torn apart inside, and i am self sabotaging myself, and my relationship with Master.

Prior to the "dark gray cloud" Master was very loving, tender, patient, kind, and all the sorts of things that made Him the perfect Master. He was fair, but sadistic and not afraid to dish out pain when He felt like it. He was in control of everything, and i loved every second of it. i stayed at home, took care of the baby, cleaned, fed the animals, budgeted our money, and always had small, sweet surprises awaiting Master.

When the "dark gray cloud" hit, our whole worlds changed. Who knew that our lives were going to be forever changed, and flipped upside down. Master fell into a funk, and i was forced to step up and carry the family. i dealt with all the financial woes that comes from spending thirty thousand dollars on a court case, and i dealt with all the lawyers to keep it all off of Master. Master and i spent many sleepless nights crying and grieving, completely afraid of what our future was going to hold. i worked two jobs, i worked 7 days a week, and in between all that, i tried to really reach out and spend time with the baby. i felt so guilty as a mother for having to subject such a small child to so much stress and turmoil. (Honestly though, he is one happy toddler, so i am certain we did a damned good job of keeping it off him, but the guilt factor was definitely there in the moment)

Now, the situation is over, and Master and i can move forward in our lives together, and with our children. However, i am finding the adjustment back to be one complicated road block after another.

i should see that by me stepping up and carrying our family through a very dark time, i was serving Master in the way He needed me to serve at that time. However, it is very hard to overlook how my needs were neglected at certain times due to looming cloud. There were many hurtful times over the past year and a half that this court case has lingered, and because i knew talking about it would push us over the edge, i just held it inside and focused on what the next day brought. i honestly think i started preserving myself in case i lost my Master. i was that fearful.

Now, the situation is over. Master and i sleep well at night, and i can breathe easier. We have enjoyed each other again, and we are focusing on all the things we neglected over the past year. Here is where the problem lies. i am struggling on giving the power back to Master. You know, i did a damned good job ... and well, i just believe i can do it just as well as Master *smack my head into the brick wall now i know*

Not to mention, i am fearful to get all mooshy-gooshy again, and submit all of that back to Master, because in 9 weeks, He will be gone for 8 months. That's scary, and sad, and awesome all at the same time. i want nothing more than for things to function like they did over a year ago. However, my heart is like woah, kitten... do you REALLY want to endure all that again when He is gone this time!??! i mean honestly... hell no! i was a wreck. Granted, the circumstances are much, much different.

i know things will shift a little when i quit working in a week (3 more work days and i am on maternity leave.... forever!!!!!!) WOO HOO! i know, by being at home again, i will naturally fall into the domestic role, and naturally seek ways to please Master. i know that at least in that aspect, the submission will come fairly easily, and quickly.

i have so much more to say, but unfortunately, i have to go for now. Hopefully, i can chew on some of this, and focus my thoughts where they need to be so i can move forward.

I need sex!

2010-05-07T06:57:00.002-04:00

Welp! The title is pretty self explanatory! Ugh. Unfortunately, Master and i have had so much going on, we have not been able to enjoy and explore any intimacy lately. It's making me crazy!!

i am having an annoying pregnancy complication, and there is nothing i can do to fix it besides birthing... so that's just lovely. Still 12 weeks or so to go... blah. On the positive side, it's nothing that will impair my home birth... so yay for that! i guess i should just look on the bright side ;) It's just a little hard when your vagina feels like it's falling out, and you can barely walk because of the swelling and pain :( ugh.

Master was in a terribly grumpy mood last night! He wouldn't talk about why really, but i seriously think it had to do with His doctor's visit. Master has not been to a doctor's office as long as we have been together! He needed to go to the doctor for some help with His knees and getting a cortisone shot or two before He leaves (Oh yeah, i still need to blog about where He is going.. shit!) So, this doctor is pretty funny. He was saying how next to Master, He felt like a mosquito because of Master's physical fitness level and all. ha. The bad news was that for some reason, Master's blood pressure was high there, so they hooked Master up to this monitor that checks His blood pressure every thirty minutes at home for twenty four hours. *snickers* He is very annoyed. i tried to be supportive... you know... telling Him how sexy that blue cuff looks on His arm ;) but Master wasn't feeling it!

i figured i had better not push my luck, and decided to snuggle with Him last night while He watched a movie.

Hopefully, when He wakes up here soon, He is in a much better mood! After all, He gets the cuff machine taken off today... so He should be ;)

Oh, and i felt completely stupid because i attempted to finish the landscaping by myself last night, and i failed miserably. i could tell Master wanted to say so much more, but He was simply nice about it and said we would fix it over the weekend. Whoops! i was trying to make it easier for Him, and just get it finished, but what do you know? i make it more complicated and bring on more work ;) Seems to be a typical pattern in this house ha.

Everything else is going fine besides the lack of sex! Ugh. At the same time, i am so fearful to have sex due to the problem i am having down in my vaginal area. i really, really, really, really hope it gets better!!

Landscaping can kiss my ass :)

2010-05-02T22:21:00.001-04:00

Ever since Master and i moved into this house, i have had big dreams for what the front yard should look like. We are finally making progress on the front of the house, and today i begged Master to go to the store and get some stuff to tackle a garden and the front landscaping.

Now, i should explain i have never ever ever ever in my entire life done any sort of garden or landscaping task. i had no idea how much work was involved!! Honestly, if i knew what a task this was going to be, i wouldn't have begged to do it now because being pregnant prevents me from overdoing and pushing myself!

So, Master and i picked some flowers, loaded the soil, mulch, and tools into the vehicle, and headed home to put the kiddo down for a nap and enjoy some nice peaceful landscaping together :)

bahahahahahahaha. That fantasy was quickly ruined when Master handed me the ho (hoe?) and explained He was going to use the shovel to make the outside edges and for me to get to work. i grabbed the ho (hoe?) and stared blankly at Master and politely said, "ummm i don't know what a hoe does!" and then we both laughed as Master said "well kitten, that is a good thing!" Then, he proceeded to explain to me exactly what i was to do with it.

After five minutes, i swore my arms were going to fall off. Seriously. OMG! have you tried to use a ho(hoe?) to get rid of sod and grass?!?! This was the stupidest idea i have ever had in my life! haha.

i did pretty well though...and it was funny because our neighbors were making jokes about pregnancy labor laws and abuse ;) i am sure it was pretty comical for the people passing by because we live on a pretty busy street, and i am sure people were wondering what the hell this 6 and a half month pregnant lady was doing landscaping the yard haha.

i finally pooped out after a few hours.... and of course, Master had to finish the work for me. i am sure He didn't mind, but i could tell it was wearing Him out too. So i went inside and got a Him a glass of ice water, and heated Him up some left over pizza and went outside and fed it to Him :)

Unfortunately, our landscaping adventure is not finished thanks to the rain, and me being naive thinking it would be an easy task. ha!

Tomorrow morning (if Master and i can get our pathetic butts out of bed!) we will finish it (hopefully!)

i have some great plans for the area, so lets just hope everything goes according to plan :)

i took a few pictures of the before and "in progress" stages, so hopefully, when it's all done and looking great, i will post some pics.... until then? Let's just hope we can make it out of our bed in the morning! ha!

Lucky to be Alive?

2010-04-27T14:16:00.001-04:00

Today started out like any normal day. i kissed Master and my little man goodbye and headed out the door for work.

Well, on my way to work, i heard a loud nose and then heard metal scraping. i couldn't steer my car at all and was going about 50 miles per hour. i freaked out a little, but tried to remain calm as i tried to steer the car off the road ... which wasn't working too well. i was able to get my car to stop, but because i was unable to steer, i was stopped in the middle of the road. i started crying thinking i got a flat tire, and that i didn't know what the heck to do because i don't know how to change a tire!!! (That's what Master's are for, right?)

i just sobbed in my car, and this guy stops and comes to talk to me. He starts saying how lucky i am to be alive and all this other stuff. i was like, no Sir, you must be mistaking, i just have a flat tire. He laughed at me and told me to come look. No. It definitely wasn't a flat tire. The tire was fine.

Instead, my front axle and ball joint were laying on the road, and my tire was completely turned sideways. He explained to me that most people in this situation tend to crash and can be seriously hurt. All that did was make me freak out internally a little more. Lesson for every man out there:

DON'T FREAK OUT AN ALL READY FREAKED OUT PREGNANT LADY!! :)

haha.

So then i called my mom crying and freaking out, and she sent a tow truck on its way, and took care of everything for me because i just was not in the right state of mind. (pussy of me, i know!) Then the guy told me he had to leave to go to an appointment! i was like no wait! You cant just leave me here ha. Well, that's what i wanted to say, but he was off on his way :)

It was rather humiliating to just be standing on the side of the road pregnant and crying while on my phone while cars just drove by staring. What a great feeling that was! Needless to say, i was very thankful when my sister showed up and i could sit in the car with her and wait.

So the tow truck finally came, and the repair shop looked at my car first thing. i had my sister pick up Master and bring Him down to look at so He could better understand what was wrong. i just received the phone call that the car is going to cost us about $600 to replace the axle, ball joint, two new tires that were damaged, and a new alignment. Ughh. That's just what we need right now! Oh, and not to mention the tow itself was $100.

Now i am just stressing over that, and Master is trying to just reassure me, that things will work out, but i feel bad because He is wasting His precious breath telling me that (ha!). After all, i am pregnant and at a very emotional phase right now.

Oh well. Today i do feel lucky! The police officer said he gets calls about accidents that happen from things like this happening, and that i definitely had somebody looking out for me today. All i have to say is .... i guess my life is worth the $700 repair bill.... right Master? :-P

Dear Self

2010-04-26T22:19:00.001-04:00

Dear self 5 years ago,

You've just made a really horrible choice. Interestingly enough, you will eventually find out that making choices is sort of a gamble for you: necessary at times, but not something you are particularly that good at. That whole "fork in the road" thing? It is not really like that because everything you're going to do over the next 5 years is a choice, a decision point, that will take you to where I'm at now. Every single moment you'll do something that will change the course of your future. Some of the stuff is going to go horribly wrong. On some level, you probably all ready know this; and while we both wish you would have recognized this earlier, it is now much too late. I mean, it's not going to be good; you'll end up lying to yourself, to others, become numb, and lose who you are completely.

I know you want to be something better. You have always had that goal for yourself. Well, I hate to tell you, but you will only fail yet again. Another chapter of your life will be sealed shut, and a failure stamp placed upon it. Time to pack up and start over again, this time, harder to get up than ever. You will find only yourself there to make the choice for you to either persevere or give in, and knowing that making decisions is not something you're good at, you'll probably end up choosing the wrong one and continue down a path of self destruction. Just remember, no one can ever believe in someone who does not believe in themselves first.

Now listen, here's the good news - eventually, one day, all those trials are going to get you to a place where you will feel clean. You will be worse in the sense you will be worn down because of all of it, but as long as you can recognize this now, it may help you in the long run.

Despite everything, I am grateful to you. Some of the things that will come in the next few years are joyful beyond comprehension. Know also that this is coming too. Best of luck with it all!
Love you,
5 years

It's not always daisies and whips

2010-04-24T08:38:00.004-04:00

Sometimes i find myself caught up in measuring my worth based solely on how much hard core BDSM "playing" we do. Lately, due to the schedules and pregnancy, this has not been happening. i have found myself empty and feeling worthless. My personal view of myself is solely based on this simple calculation:

Sexy BDSM "playing" = my complete worth

Never mind me being a great mother to our child.

Never mind me working and bringing home a paycheck for us to live off of.

Never mind the cleaning and cooking i do when i get home from work or on my days off.

Never mind how i keep the financial stresses away from Master so He can be more relaxed.

Never mind all the laundry loads i wash and fold during a single week.

Never mind being the family schedule juggler to make sure everything is ready and works out just fine.

Never mind Master reassuring me 1,000 times how pleased He is with me.

Nope. None of that matters. That's just mundane stuff, and who cares?

i have a personal hang up on the way i am viewed as worthy to my Master. i need to fix this. i see how it can negatively affect our relationship. i wish it could be the fantasy world, where Master has me in a dark room, and i am left there just to my thoughts, with only the silence there to comfort me, until Master appears and decides He needs to use me for His pleasure. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Reality is that there are things needing my attention that are not so fun, not so sexy, and not so calm.

Someone asked me recently why i don't feel like me being a great mother is showing Master how much i value Him, love Him, and cherish the family He so graciously allowed me to have. My simple answer is this:

It's a mother's duty (vanilla or not) to take care of her children. To nurture them, love them, provide for them, guide them, and teach them to the best of her abilities. So what, or how, am i giving something to Master that is of worth if every mother/wife in this world does (or should be doing!) it?

i know Master is proud of how i nurture and parent. i know Master is proud of my holistic views. i know Master is proud of how i am such an advocate for home birth, breastfeeding, and not vaccinating. i know He is proud of most things i do. i know Master trusts me 100% with our kid's lives.

i guess i just don't hold any value in that, because every husband should be proud of their wife for her views... or why the hell are they together?

i would be so much more fulfilled if Master was able to brag about my amazing slave abilities. i was thinking while laying down in bed last night, what do i do within the pleasure spectrum of BDSM for Master that i know makes Him proud? i promise you i had that whole "deer caught in the headlights" look on my face. i couldn't think of a single thing.

i am sure there are some things, hell at least one thing. So why am i somehow lacking the ability to see it? How is my attitude towards slavery right now, affecting the way i serve Master? i am certain it pokes its little head through.

Oh, i know i used to take His cock deep in my ass. That was years ago. Oh, i know i used to have Master just fuck my throat and make a hot slobbery mess of my face... but that was months ago. i know i used to take all the pain Master could dish out, all while begging for more (including the time He broke a cane over my ass!) ... but yet again, that was a while ago.

i understand i am pregnant. i understand this means limits on what we do. So why can i not accept that and believe that whips and chains aren't necessary?

All through today, i have been making myself more aware of the mental aspect instead of moping about the physical aspect. It must be helping, because Master has noticed. i feel closer to Him today than i have felt in a while, and i honestly cant wait to get upstairs... snuggled up in our nice cozy bed and just worship Master's body tonight... yum!

Who get's sick at the end of April?!?!

2010-04-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

Seriously? Who does? Obviously i do, and i feel miserable :( ugh!!! Not to mention, since i'm pregnant, i do not take anything, soooo i am just riding the wave, and complaining to Master every chance i get ;) ha!

Hopefully, when i feel better, Master and i can get back on the crazy sex bandwagon ... and hopefully, that will leave me with so much to write about ;)

Absence Much?

2010-04-18T13:31:00.002-04:00

So i realize i have been gone from this blog. Life at home needed me much more than the internet, so that's where i have been! The big gray cloud situation is over, and while it didn't turn out quite like Master and i would have liked, we are very happy to just know it's over, and we can begin to move on with our lives. It's a little scary, a little intimidating, and sad to try to move on from this. We have each other's support, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and i am 25 weeks pregnant with another baby :) And here comes a baby girl! i have been feeling great, and just trying not to stress about the changes that are going to take place.

Master is doing really well. He is a busy man training Martial Arts, and preparing for a job change which i don't know if i should mention quite yet or not.

So there is a brief rundown. Very brief, but oh well.

i will be back on the blogging bandwagon... and i will stick around this time ;)

Trust me, there is so much to write about!

Woah Life is Changing!

2009-09-11T15:35:00.002-04:00

All right guys! So things have been weird. First of all, i got a new job :) i will be a nanny again! And the cool thing is this family is super laid back, and the kids are adorable! The parents told me their kids don't open up easily, yet, as soon as i met them, they chatted me up, and then the one hugged me before i left! It was cute :)

So what about working at the bar? Well, the goal is to continue working there as well as nanny. Of course, if i hit burn out mode, the bar will be the job to go. i just think this could be a job for a while to get back ahead and back in control of finances. it will be nice to make a set paycheck each week, and some extra cash on the nights i close the bar. i am feeling really good about this all!

Also, the one thing that makes me nervous is i am still in school full time. So i just really need to stay organized and focus as two jobs, a baby, being a slave, and school is quite the load!

So what about Master? Well, Master is going to be staying at home with the baby while i work. We are anti- day care, and we have made whatever sacrifices necessary to keep one of us at home with him at all times. At night, when i get home (and the nights i don't work at the bar) Master will be training martial arts full time, and eventually opening His own gym. This will take about hmm, 6 months to a year.

Now what about future kids? Well..... here's the cool thing. Master and i have talked and we want to have more children when he is working at His own gym. This way, i don't worry about maternity leave and force myself to be back after 12 weeks! Not the plan i want whatsoever!

So these are the changes that have happened this week! i am so excited and love this new beginning. The only task i have to do before work on Monday is start car shopping!! Tehehe. i have never been one for changes, but i know this is what our family has to do. For some reason, this time around, i'm not feeling all uneasy.

i am willing yet i'm so afraid

2009-09-06T09:50:00.002-04:00

i just can not understand why i have these big huge fears when it comes to submitting again. i mean, i did it before, and it was pure bliss.... so why the fear now? *shrug* All i know is it is causing some not-so-good-waves between Master and i.

All i want is for Master to be pleased. i want Him to be happy, i want to see that look in His eyes again. You know, the look where i feel like i'm not about to be replaced because well, i just suck. *shrug* Yet, some where along the way, i have lost sight of how to do this or when i am feeling extremely playful and ready to go, Master is not, and of course when Master wants to be pleased, i am about to pass out from being tired or just worked a double or whatever... so of course, my attitude is not where it should be.

i will be the first to admit i am beginning to lose faith in the whole d/s dynamic relationship stuff. i don't get how two people can want this so bad, yet not be able to make it work. Maybe it's from all the past hurt we have dished out on the other, maybe it's because we are just not compatible anymore like we were in the beginning. Who knows. All i know is i want to take that next step, but i cant get myself there. i know my heart wants to do it, but my head keeps running all these things through it as to what can go wrong, or how i will do fine for a few days, then things will go back to the "old way" and then i just gave Master a false hope. i hate that. i hate how it makes Him feel. i really do, and when i see it, it makes me shut down a little more. i am so afraid that eventually, i will stop trying to open up ... just shut down and stay that way.

i know this has been a bit of a big ramble, but i have to go work a double today... and i'm running a little late! Master just know i love You, and i want things to be better... i just don't know how to take that plunge anymore.

Life is rough when you're sick!

2009-09-04T07:46:00.000-04:00

Since Master has been home, i have been sick on and off. i know this mostly has to do with my allergies, but yesterday i was throwing up and just in so much pain it didn't make any sense. i had to work yesterday, but they sent me home, so now i am stressing about money and my job. *sigh* i feel much better today, but i am in severe pain in my lower back and it is shooting down my legs. i don't understand how i can be in this much pain.

Master massaged my back last night which felt wonderful :) Hopefully, today is the last day of being sick, and tonight maybe we have some play time ;)

Mind blowing reconnecting sex!

2009-08-31T15:35:00.002-04:00

Last night after the baby went to bed, Master told me to get my slave shoes on and some cute stockings. i came down the stairs and we talked for a while about some much needed stuff that needed to get out in the open. It was a little awkward for both of us as we both tried our past to change past behaviors of just getting upset and fueling a big fire. Instead, we both shared feelings, listened to each others thoughts/fears, apologized and moved forward. This in itself was a wonderful feat towards a better future between Master and i.

After all that, we both thought maybe, the other was too tired to do anything physical. i can not recall exactly what started the physical touches that lead to the next level but whatever it was...it was phenomenal. All i remember was taking Master deep in my throat and gagging (and not caring!) as i massaged His balls. i also remember feeling Master taste me and allow me some serious pleasure down there that is usually quite the special treat. Master began whispering "go deeper kitten" in my ear. i quickly responded by allowing myself to let go completely and head to the deepest part of sub space. i remember feeling Master push against my asshole. i wanted Him in all my holes so bad. i craved Him in my asshole. He started pushing it in, and i was grinding back on Him trying to take Him all the way in. i have never felt Master that deep inside my asshole before. He started pounding into me as i was rubbing my clit begging for His cum inside me. i wanted to feel full. Master decided we would cum together, and when He commanded me to cum, i started squirting!! i was so shocked by this that i started yelling "i'm squirting!!" (Now, i find it kind of funny) As i was squirting, all i could feel was Master filling me up with His cum. Master then pulled out, came up by my face, held me, and told me it was okay to come down... that He was right here waiting for me. Usually, it takes me a little while to come back down, but this time, i came down pretty fast. i snuggled into Master and we laughed about the whole experience.... how intense it was, and how we both really, really, really, really needed that!

We snuggled with each other for a while then headed on up to bed. All i remember after that was curling up in His arms and passing out. Last night was the perfect night to let me know that everything is going to be okay. After last night, i remembered why i fell in love with Master in the first place. i am more than ready to surrender, and He is more than ready to lead me where i need to go. i cant wait to see what happens next..... i will post more later but have to go to work!

Master is home!

2009-08-30T18:58:00.002-04:00

Master and our son are back home. It's been a great to be able to be a family again. Unfortunately, i am super sick between allergies and some crazy random flu like symptoms. i have been sleeping on and off all day today *sigh* Not quite the first day back we were hoping for of course!

Hopefully tonight when the baby goes to sleep, Master and i can get some quality time in to well... fuck like crazy! Hopefully, i am feeling better by then. i know i am soaking wet, and i noticed He was hard as hell this morning ;) now, we just need to do it!

So here's to hot-welcome-back-home-sex-mixed-with-the-flu-and-allergies!! Sounds sexy huh? i know you're jealous!

These final moments

2009-08-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

So where's the redone living room picture at? ha! Well ya see, it's still not done!! All though, it's looking so cute and i am really happy i started this hell-of-a-project! tehehe. i thought about posting a picture of it now, but i figured i would just wait until i am completely finished!

Master will be getting on the plane in a little over 12 hours to be on His way home! i am excited beyond any words i can spit out. i have cried a few times today because it's finally starting to sink in. This is my last night a-l-o-n-e!!

So i have been painting and cleaning all day, i have to work a 12 hour shift here soon, then i have the ex-room mate moving all her stuff out, then i have to get a shower and look all cute, then i'm off to the airport to pick up Master. Unfortunately, i have to work tomorrow, so i will only have a few hours with Him and our son :( but then i work Sunday, and off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday... so it shouldn't be all that bad! Lots of family time then! i just hope the adjustment back home is smooth for Master and our son. i have missed them bunches!

bippity-bobbity-boo!

2009-08-27T10:02:00.004-04:00

Here is a picture of the cozy and comfortable living room? i think not!! i have to get busy on finishing all this up because i work tonight and tomorrow, and Saturday morning the plane lands.... so today is all i have left!! eek!

Where is my fairy god-mother at?!?!?!?!

i will post a (hopefully) much better picture today after i get everything looking nice and finished!!

Ut oh!

2009-08-26T22:21:00.002-04:00

i talked to Master today on the phone for a while. i am super excited to say this ... Master will be home on SATURDAY!!! Yay! Only three more days! And the super duper cool part is that i requested Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off from work, so i will have some time off to spend with them! (all though i have to work Sat and Sun!)

i am picking Master up at the airport Saturday around noon.... i can not wait! i am super excited! i cant wait to smell Him, love on Him, and just feel His arms around me tight in that big bear-like hug that i really, really, really have missed this past month.

So, now do you guys want to know why i put the title as ut-oh?!?!?! Well, i got this genius idea to redo the entire living room while Master is away. Why? Because, well, i wanted Him to come home to it looking nice and new! Ya know, i wanted Him to feel like i was thinking of Him and His tastes even though He was not home. i want Him to come home to something comfortable and cozy :)

So here's to the next few days of chaos until i go to the airport and pick Him up :) i am super excited!! Just two more days!

Breakdown 101

2009-08-25T08:52:00.004-04:00

Last night, i had a breakdown. i am trying to get to the root of everything, and sort out everything, but when i do, i just get more confused and feel less and less of a person. i cant explain what goes on in my head, and i know if i cant communicate that to Master, then how can i expect Him to help?

i don't know exactly what started me off in the wrong direction yesterday. i couldn't sleep Sunday night, so it was hard waking up for work yesterday morning. i also woke up to my lovely time of the month ... so i know that explains some of the yucky-ness feelings. i also had a bad day at work because i got stung by a bee, and got degreaser chemical splashed in my eyes. i also know i am not handling Master and our son being gone anymore. i feel like it's been long enough, and honestly, i am just downright sick of being alone. i failed my class in school that i needed to pass, so now i need to come up with $1,500.00 to retake the class. On top of it all, we have to go back to court for the "big gray cloud situation" here soon, and my stomach gets tied up in knots just thinking about the situation.

So, last night Master calls and we start arguing over getting money to Him. i guess before He left, we just thought it would be a simple process... send it in the mail. Well, it's taking too long to send it to Him normally, but it's expensive as hell to send money to Him overnight/priority mail, and it's annoying on top of that. So Master is getting frustrated on the phone because of things, and i'm getting frustrated because well, because He is. He felt i wasn't putting Him and our son as a priority, and i felt like no matter would i could give or do, it wasn't enough for Him.

Not to mention we were fighting on the phone and i was in front of my mom, which my mom hates Master as it is, so that just fueled everything. Of course, then my mom was yelling at me, so now i have Master frustrated in one ear, and my mom yelling and throwing her crap on me in my other ear. i couldn't take it. i got money to Master, and then Master was relieved and felt everything was okay. Everything was not okay.

i begged my mom to take me home, and when we were in my driveway, i said "i'm sorry you got stressed out by my situation, thanks for running me to get Him some money, i appreciate it, and He appreciates it!" and she said nothing. Just sat there. Seriously? So, i got out of the car and was like, "or not!" (maybe not the smartest thing to say) She then starts screaming and yelling and causing a scene in my driveway, to which in the middle of her ramblings that i was trying to ignore she said "don't call me for anything! You cant have the car ever again, don't call me to take you to or from work, and don't bother me anymore! you have a stupid relationship and the only thing good that came out of it was your son, but you are just going to mess him up!" Wow. Hurtful. Thanks for the support mom!

i understand she said that all in the moment, but still. She means what she says. my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship, and have never been all that close. She is never really supportive of anything i do, and i've learned what she says to my face, is never what she says to the rest of the family about me. i cant trust her, and i was surprised she made it this far into Master's being gone before she finally blew up on me and pounced on me since i didn't have Master there to back me up.

So, Master is a thousand miles away, and everything is fine in His world because i got the money situation taken care of, but little did He know things here were not okay. Then, i get on the phone with Him and i try to keep everything off of Him, but of course, i just start crying and telling Him nothing is okay. i just remember saying come home!! Is life there that good with out me that You don't want to be here with me? i don't understand.

i know i was a wreck, and i know Master probably really does not want to come back to hell here. i just feel like He's abandoned me, or that He doesn't care. He kept trying to calm me down and tell me i would be seeing Him in about a week. A week is one week too long. i needed Him last night, and He couldn't be there.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. i mean, He was there over the phone trying to calm me down, trying to reassure me about everything, but i was such a wreck, that i needed Him physically. i cant explain it really. When i have really bad breakdowns, i go to a scary space. The best way i can explain it is like this:

It's like going to sub-space; except it's not a happy-endorphine filled space. It's all negative, it's scary, and it's dark. i lose all control of myself, i go so deep i don't remember what i'm doing in the moment, and sometimes, i see things. Scary things. In the moment, i tend to hurt myself, i start throwing up, and i cant breathe.

Master knows how to help me in these moments. Yet, last night, He couldn't be there to help me. i was left to my own defences, and that just made me panic even more because i didn't feel safe in the breadown. All i needed/wanted was to lay in His arms and pass out. i couldn't communicate to Master what i needed because what i needed, couldn't happen. Finally Master went to bed and got off the phone. i just curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor (i was throwing up) and just sobbed until i eventually passed out.....4 hours after He went to sleep.

Now, i know people before have expressed needing help for all this. i agree. When i reached out before to a counseling place, they seemed really helpful and things were fine. The only thing was though, is they just tried to drug me up on a shit ton of powerful mood stabilizers. i begged Master not to make me take them, but He felt helpless and said to just try. i felt horrible on all that stuff, and Master and i realized meds were not the answer. We even tried other kinds and still nothing felt okay. On top of the med issue, they reported me to Children's Services and i'm sorry, if you want to see "psycho" take my kids away from me. Nothing, and no one will come between me and my family.... so i said what they wanted to hear, and put on the fake side, and of course, the investigation was all closed. i never went back to that place again. i feel like if i am honest, then boom! my kids will be taken away because i'm "psycho" or something crazy like that...even though all i am trying to do is get help and be better for my family. So, i have shut up about the whole thing.

So, i am left to only being able to be honest to Master about everything. Which means, i depend on Him when it comes to my emotional state much more then the average person does to their partner. The breakdowns are not all that frequent, so i guess in mine and His minds it's "worth" the hell to keep plowing through. *shrug* They happen less then once a month usually, and sometimes i will go months with out one. It really depends on the situation and all.

So yeah, there you go guys, i hope this helps, and i hope it gives more understanding into things. i know someone left a comment about finding the root of the issues that lead to the breakdowns, and i plan on posting on that tonight or tomorrow. It's just this is long enough as it is!

This sums it up!

2009-08-24T01:09:00.002-04:00

i feel like i am really grasping and understanding why Master wanted me to be alone and stand my ground. The weird thing is, now that i feel like i have learned this... i am craving His presence more then ever before. Just a little more than a week left!! *sigh*

i have learned that there comes a time when you have to stand alone. you have to feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams. you must be willing to make sacrifices. you must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be reached. Sometimes familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities. you need to be strong enough to at least try to make your life better. Make sure you appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunity to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life. Do not stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way!

Master, i love You so much! i miss You more than words can say. Since learning all of this during Your time away, i find myself anticipating Your return home so i can surrender it all back to You. Thank You for all You do, and i cant wait to see where we go together in life in the future.

Yours always and forever,
kitten

i did it?

2009-08-21T17:35:00.002-04:00

i'm not really sure this is something to be all that proud of, but i kicked my room mate out today. Yep! Ya see, i knew when Master got back, that He would lay down the law and not put up with her shit, and ya know, it was tempting to not take Him up on that and just let Him be the "bad guy" Well, i decided it was time for me to do some dirty work for once. So, i talked to her today, and she did not have much to say. She still didn't even apologize about the dog, and she certainly did no talking about the money situation (go figure)

i feel really bad, but at the same time, i feel like i can breathe with out this unnecessary stress! i can breathe in, and breathe out, and know that i am doing the right thing for my family. i also know that Master will be coming home to a sanctuary :) a nice humble house (with some majorly kick ass remodeling/redecorating) and a healthy, happy slave who cant wait to have Him in this home again.

The days are creeping by, but at the same time, i feel like i don't have enough days to get all these projects finished!!! ahhhh come help me people? lol.

A few lessons learned on a road never traveled

2009-08-21T03:36:00.002-04:00

It's just after 3:30 in the morning. i had a good night at work, and i am feeling good about life. i have done a lot of thinking about things, and here's what i have learned since Master has been gone.

1. i have learned that no one in this world has my best interest at heart..... except Master.

2. i have learned that one bad apple does ruin it for everyone at work.

3. i have learned that being the nice person, well, sometimes that means the wrong people walk all over you

4. i have learned that sometimes, caring so much about a "friend" only leads to heartache

5. i have learned that trying to do a mans job (aka: remodeling the house!) while He is away is not the most genius idea (sorry now Master if You come home to a mess!)

6. i have learned that miserable women who are jealous of your relationship with Your man/Master will do anything at your expense to end it because of their own misery

7. i have learned that when two people love each other, nothing can stop it from working out

8. i have learned that there are genuine nice people in the world

9. i have learned to stand for truth.... even if in the moment people don't believe you, or that it seems you are being "punished" for it by someone (aka:managers at work)

10. i have learned that nothing feels right when Master is gone

11. i have learned that the only "safe place" is my home. In these four walls, all i should find is comfort, security, and love.

12. i have learned that everything happens for a reason... and while in the moment it doesn't make sense, that one day, it all will, and i will be thankful for the experience it gave me

13. i have learned that nothing matters more to me in my life than Master and our son

14. i have learned that while Master and i are suffering through the expense of a corrupt court system, that i will not lose faith, and i will trust that good prevails over evil

15. i have learned to believe that karma can kick some mean ass!

16. i have learned to believe in standing up for what is right.... even when you are standing alone

17. i have learned that by taking a step back from a situation, it never looks as big

18. i have learned that Master's love for me, and my love for Him is unbreakable.... just look at all we have endured

So i am sure there is more, but right now, that's all i can think of. Tomorrow will be hard. i need to talk to the roomie and i need to kick her out. It's not about waiting for money anymore, that's the least of my worries, it's all about moving forward, and keeping my house a nice, calm, cozy sactuary. If someone wants to ruin that, then they can get the fuck out! You took my dog, you tried to ruin things with my man, and you've started shit at work.... i'm not going to sit back and stay nice.... i know if i do, then Master will clean house when He gets home. Well guess what? For once, i'm not going to make Him look like the "bad guy" (even though He has no problem with that) For once, i am going to take charge of my life, and my family's life. No one will come between that. It amazes me when someone tries to upset my family, how quickly i turn into the "protective momma bear!" i guess something good has come from Master being gone? *shrug*

So, since i've learned a pretty big "lesson" so to speak, Master can You come home now? *giggles* It was worth a try ;) Only 12 more days or so til He's back.... i'm going to make it, and things are going to be okay!

Thunderstorm!

2009-08-20T01:55:00.002-04:00

It is storming like crazy outside. i am scared, and Master's arms would be perfect right now. The end.

(wow, deep thoughts huh? ... remember, i am just walking in the door from a 12 hour shift at work)

Breakdown

2009-08-19T11:11:00.003-04:00

i feel horrible. i wish i could just talk to Master, but i am certain that after last night, i am the last person He wants to talk to. This post is going to be hard to get out, but i am going to try.

Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.

Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.

i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.

i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.

So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.

First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.

Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.

i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.

i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.

In over my head?

2009-08-18T15:55:00.003-04:00

So, Master and i are doing much, much better!! i have been planning a bunch of surprises for Master to come home to. You know, show Him that while He was gone, all i could think about was Him! Of course, with all these things planned, i am feeling totally overwhelmed! *sigh*

Let's see, the projects i have started are:

1. Completely remodeling/decorating the living room- this is a HUGE task because our living room is three times the size of most living rooms. That was our problem with it. It was too big, and not cozy or comfortable. So, i took it upon myself to start painting, purchase a new couch, and toss up some fabulous decorations.Oh, and get some new molding to go around the top of the walls. Right now, my living room looks like a disaster zone, but hey.... i have two weeks until Master gets home!

2. Our Bedroom- i wanted to surprise Master by actually paying attention to our bedroom. The kid's rooms are beautiful, the rest of our house? Getting there. Our bedroom? Well, it's boring, plain, empty, and definitely not a spot that screams romance and intimacy for either of us. So, i have found some paint colors, new bedding, restaining the dresser, hanging up the mirror, setting up a cage in the room (shhh!! This will really surprise Master i know it!) oh, and i found some cute quotes i want to paint up on the walls about love. i hope to have the room done when Master gets home, and have some cute lingerie laying on the bed since i've been working out and all (all though, i don't feel like i have toned up quite yet.... i will get there soon!) i also wanted to create a spot to have our toys in, and have my costumes that should be hanging up in the closet back up there for some fun play when He gets home.

3. Working out- i have been working out regularly for Master since He has been gone. Now, i have no excuses, i have enough time, and i wanted to start this habit now before it's even harder later!

4. Eating healthier- this has actually come pretty easy. i have been really surprised by how healthy i am eating, but i do still crave some yummy chocolate sweets sometimes!

5. The bathroom- well, i painted up a really cute quote in our bathroom, and i changed out the hardware in there to match the remodel. i still need to get a few things for the bathroom. i need to unclog the drain (drain-o didn't work... any ideas?!?!) and i need to buy some matching decorative towels, and a bath rug to step out of the shower onto that actually matches. That's all that's left in that room

6. The playroom- this is mostly for our son. i have missed him the whole time he's been gone, and i've cried many tears! So i want to have the playroom completely finished when he gets home. Sort of a gift to him. i have the walls mostly finished, i just need to buy some stuff to furnish it with, and finish painting the lower corner of the one wall.

7. Schoolwork- This has been difficult. i'm actually failing my class, but i am working hard on my final project to hopefully bring my grade up! i know this is one that Master really wants me to focus on... so i need to get back on track!

So yeah.... these are just some of the projects i'm into right now. Ugh! i have this huge tendency to get in over my head a lot. The only difference is i don't have Master to help me ;) i have to get myself out of this mess all on my own! haha! Oh goodness! Hopefully, i can accomplish all this in the next two weeks before He gets home and freaks out! i want Him to come home to a nice, cozy, comfortable house. With everything in order, and a slave who looks sexy and happy to see Him! Not a frazzled, sleep deprived, fat slave, in a house that every room is tore up and everything out of place!

2009-08-16T20:59:00.003-04:00

"Just as we would not brush our Masters' hair with the same brush we use to clean the toilet, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck and serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world."

Hmmmm! i found this today and it kinda made me make that deer-in-headlight-look! This is something i definitely struggle with. i love to crack jokes, i love to be a bitch sometimes, and sometimes i can be downright mean to people. However, this made me start thinking. Maybe, just maybe, i could be nice and realize that just because i would never say those things i say to others to my Master, that when i say those things to others, i am still a reflection of my Master.

i definitely at times can have a Fuck you attitude to the world. i think this happens mostly when i'm really stressed, and really mad at something inside myself. So maybe, instead of turning it all outward, i could focus inward on what is going on. i would probably accomplish much more this way i'm sure! :) So here's to thinking before i speak....something i've never done before in my life, ha!

i miss Him

2009-08-15T22:40:00.001-04:00

Oh this seems like such a lullaby while Master is gone...... oh how i miss Him!

RIP my Bella-Bean

2009-08-15T21:22:00.003-04:00

So, unfortunately, i had to take my puppy to the vet to be put down. Leaving there without my puppy was the saddest thing ever. i wanted so badly to run in there and take her back, but i also know i didn't want her to suffer, and unfortunately, i didn't have thousands of dollars to keep her alive. i cried on the phone to Master about it, and He just kept reassuring me that it was going to be okay, and that He wished He could be here for me, and that He wishes He could have been there for our little puppy :(

i am heartbroken, and it was extremely hard to sleep without her. And it sucked worse to come home to no happy go lucky little puppy prancing by the door waiting for some attention. i kept her collar, and i plan on keeping it forever. i don't think that dog could ever be replaced. She was pretty kick ass.

So my little Bella-bean.... i'll miss you and you were a kick ass dog. i'll miss you prancing around the house, i'll miss you tearing up stuff, and i'll miss you playing so well with the baby :(

Now, the house is really empty, and i leave myself wondering if there is anything else in this world that can be stripped from me right about now? i mean honestly. *sigh*

i mean really!?!

2009-08-14T09:28:00.002-04:00

Everything in my world continues to crumble. i swear i will have nothing left here shortly. Yesterday i thought Master and i finally got somewhere. When i got to work and talked to Him briefly, i thought to myself, "Wow, it really is going to be okay." i changed my attitude to adapt this, and had a good day at work. Then, i get home, and everything unravels.

So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.

Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.

So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.

We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!

i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?

i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?

i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!

The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.

i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.

Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(

i don't know who i am without You

2009-08-10T10:41:00.002-04:00

i should be proud of myself i guess... but for some reason, that's not what i am feeling. So, i know i've mentioned before about the alcohol issue. Well, last night i didn't drink at all. i laid in bed, struggling with sleep. Crying into my pillow, and holding my special stuffed animal Master got for me years ago. i regretted not buying a bottle for last night many times. i think i had to experience the pain raw and real for once. i had to be exposed to the true feelings inside myself. There was no more running from the pain. i had to deal with it.

i think i have been afraid of these feelings, and honestly i know i have reason to be. It's hard. It downright sucks. And it's unsure of what happens from here. i have decided to start working out and eating better to give me something positive to do and try to help keep my mood stabilized. i started this on Wednesday, and it's been going well so hopefully i stick to it, and look sexy when Master gets off the plane!

i think i am going to send a package to Master and our son. Any ideas what to send? i mean, He's with some family, but obviously i want to throw something sexy and adorable in there. Gotta tease the man so He cant wait to get His hands on me when He gets back ;)

Ah! i am coming back into myself all ready.... i love it! :)

Goodbye to you ...

2009-08-09T12:22:00.002-04:00

Well, i just said goodbye to my biological dad. He was in town visiting for a week, and like everyone else in my life, time has come for him to go. i cried. Like a baby. And felt stupid. i know we haven't ever really had a relationship like we should, but before he left, he told me to hang in there and that he understood. He shared a moment with me about his own life... something i never knew much about. i will hold on to that moment forever, and i will make sure he knows how special he is to me. i might be grown up now, but girls forever need their daddies. It was really special to have my dad love on me at a time when Master cant. Especially because of how we don't really have a relationship.

i knew today would be hard. i know my brain wants to go to abandonment as everyone is leaving, but my heart knows otherwise. i am planning on hanging out with my brother today, and that's always a fun and exciting time. We are actually going gun shopping! ha! And then to the mall for some other shopping.

Oh, and i have set some goals for myself while Master is gone. Since Wednesday, i started a new diet plan. i have not cheated.... not once! i just started working out today. It kicked my ass after only five minutes! i didn't realize how out of shape i was, and how far from fit i have gotten. i just imagined this image of me being at the airport waiting for Master and our son, and do i want to look like a wreck? Or look like i really genuinely missed Him and cherish what we have? i think closer to the time they will be back, i will be going shopping for a sexy little dress or something! i figured some 50's style pin up girl would be adorable :) i just see Master's face beaming and Him wrapping me in the biggest hug ever. i know it would be a cute surprise to Him!

So here's to moving forward, and trying to think positively. It's not easy, and i'm not saying i'm emotionally okay. Reality is, i'm not, but if i can take a few steps to try and change things, why not?

i cry out with no reply
and i cant feel you by my side
So i'll hold tight to what i know
You're here, and i'm never alone

PS- i love you Master!! Only about 28 more days or so *Sigh*

Another sleepless night

2009-08-09T03:14:00.002-04:00

It is after 3:30 in the morning, and i should be asleep. i cant. It was UFC night at work, and of course, it made me miss Master bunches since that's kinda "our thing" together. i miss His smell, His comfort, His touch, His control, His love, His smile, His strong arms that hide me when He holds me, and everything else about Him!

i hate the uncertainty in everything right now. i hate that we are at this place in life that due to outside circumstances, our relationship can crumble. i hate that we have blamed each other through this, instead of clinging to each other for hope. i am upset with myself for the way i have been acting since Master has been gone. i know Master would be upset, and i want to break the patterns, but it feels like the worst kind of addictions, and i am left to fend for myself.

Since Master has left, i have had a problem with alcohol. My family members are alcoholics, and my grandmother even lost custody of all her children due to her addiction to alcohol. i can see how i am heading down the path to addiction. i also know one of Master's rules for me is i can never drink unless He is with me and grants permission. So, i know i am breaking a rule, i know there are consequences, and i know that i have predisposed genetics to possibly becoming an alcoholic, yet i cant bring myself to stop. i can not lay in our bed without sobbing, so some alcohol allows me to relax, and pass out with out the tears. i cant bring myself to come home after work because i am coming home to no Master and no baby, so i stay after work and drink a few drinks so i am in a cloudy state of mind and can go home with no problems. When i am at the house alone, i drink to cope. i don't know a different way, and i don't have anyone here to help. All i have is my family, who see nothing wrong with drinking. In fact, my mom bought me a bottle of liquor the other night! So that should tell you things.

i feel heartbroken inside. i know i am ruining things for myself, but it's because i need that control. i need to know Master is here for me, even through the distance. i need to feel it, know it, and believe it. i need to trust. i need to remember how to follow. i need to remember how to keep my opinions out of things unless asked. i need to remember this is not my body, this is not really my life, it's His. But at the same time, He is not here, He is not really in control because He's so far, and we don't even get to communicate to each other, so it's not like He can from a distance.

i wonder how disappointed Master would be if He found out. i mean, i need to tell Him. i know that. i just don't think it would help anything since He cant help. i need His love more than yesterday. i need His love more than words can say i need Him more than ever before. Yet, i cant have Him.

Tonight when i was done with work, i got offered a few shots. i don't know why, but i turned them down and came straight home. Now, i find myself unable to sleep. Craving the alcohol to put me there. i cant turn off my brain, and i cant keep my heart from aching. i sat outside tonight and looked at the stars. i wondered if Master was where He is, looking at the stars too... i remember a night we had a wonderful talk outside, underneath the stars, and it made me smile and feel Him close in my heart. i clung to that, i held onto those feelings like i never thought to be possible. i want to think of that as i drift off tonight.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough Cause i'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when your asleep
to hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
So tonight I drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough cause i'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

i'm tied together with a smile but i'm coming undone

2009-08-08T14:17:00.003-04:00

i have come to this blog over the past few days in hopes to post, but the words have never come out right, and i have been hesitant to post my true feelings. i am afraid to be completely exposed, i am unsure about some of my feelings, and i am heartbroken over the current situation.

Due to life circumstances, Master and our son are gone with His family for the next month. Master said He wanted this to be a time i learned to be okay without Him, stand my own ground a little, and continue to hold down the home front. Well, i am failing. Miserably. Things at work are crumbling, my friendships are crumbling, i feel so distant from Master, and at home? Well, things are extremely lonely.

Thanks to the "dark gray cloud" situation, our lives became fuzzy and nothing seemed to make sense. Tension rose like crazy, and life seemed to be slipping through our fingertips. So, we did the logical thing... we fought with each other. Like crazy. Through this came hurt, mistrust, anger, frustration, and a longing to have things be the way they used to be. No matter how hard we tried to piece our lives back together, it was not happening. Neither one of us wanted things to end, so we kept working at it. Unfortunately, to no avail... so far.

So, now due to life, Master and our son are gone for the next month. i am left at home, by myself, heartbroken, and hurt. Not hurt by Master, hurt by the circumstances. Hurt that all i could do was push Him away, and now all i want is His control and love. i crave it. i want it. i need it....and i cant have it. We only get to talk once a day, maybe again right before bed depending on my work schedule, and it downright blows. When we do talk, i just start crying because i catch a glimpse of that safe haven he provides, and then i just fall apart. i hate talking on the phone, because there's really no way to sort out your thoughts, it's just a free for all whatever spills out in the moment. As soon as we hang up, i kick myself thinking of the many things i needed to say that i couldn't.

i feel so empty without His presence, and without His control. i cant live like this. i have all this freedom, and i hate it. i am drinking at night just to try and hide the pain that comes from sleeping in our bed alone. Yet, i know one of the ground rules is no drinking without Master. So why? Why cant i control myself? i am holding everything inside, because i cant trust anyone around me. My family is lame, they aren't there, and friend wise? Well, they don't get it. They would love if their men were out of town... freedom calls ya know? i guess that's just a downfall to being so young and having a family. All your friends are at different spots in their lives, and they cant relate.

i miss our son so much. It sucks every morning to not wake up to hearing him laugh and play downstairs with his daddy. It breaks my heart to only be cooking for one person, not my family. i know Master and i are still together, but it doesn't make sense. i'm craving his control, and i don't know how to function without it. So, instead of just somehow holding myself together, i'm falling apart, and spiraling into a deep, dark place that i know is not what i want. i don't know how to express this all to Master. i mean, i don't want Him to worry, and i get so caught up in the moment when we do talk, that i don't talk about what needs talked about.

i have a lot more to say, but i need to get ready for work. i just want things to be okay. i want the normal life back with Master. That is all. i want Him with me, i want our son with me, and i want to take care of my family again... not myself.

Big Gray Cloud

2009-06-26T21:04:00.001-04:00

So, i just wanted to post that things with the big gray cloud have gone in our favor for once! Thank you God! So, we are back to functioning as a happy family after battling this crap for the past six months. Now, it's not over yet, BUT it will be shortly. i don't want to count our chickens yet, because anyone who has ever dealt with our corrupt court systems understands completely how crazy they can be. Sometimes, that means making the wrong choice. As of right now though, things have been going in our favor, and hopefully, it stays that way! :)

i just figured i would give everyone an update. Thanks for all the prayers guys!

The End? Sad possibility

2009-06-11T22:58:00.003-04:00

i am probably the world's biggest over thinker. Seriously. Which, leads me to this post. Things have been rough. To the point of maybe no more relationship with Master rough. i am really unsure of where to start, but basically, Master and i can not seem to get back to where we were. i am unsure of what is causing this. i would love to think it's circumstances regarding the "big gray cloud situation"but now, i am beginning to think otherwise.

i guess i can, and should, only talk about the issues i am personally having, and try to fix those first....so here it goes! i am losing/have lost my willingness to serve. i am sick of trying, i am sick of failing, i am sick of it not being enough. i am tired of being tired. i am emotionally, and physically drained. i am stressed beyond belief, and unfortunately... everything is going to hell because of it. And trust me, this is not me just having a bad day, or pms.... god i wish it was just that simple!

i feel like in my heart i know my role, and i know who Master is.... in my head? it's a whole different story. i am questioning if i am a slave anymore. i mean really... maybe i have it all wrong. Maybe i was pretending to be something i simply am not. Maybe i turned to this lifestyle because i was so young and on my own (moved out at 16) and i was searching for a no bullshit relationship i could blossom in and feel secure. Maybe i really do have abandonment issues from my dad, and that's why i turned towards a Master who has a decade on me. Maybe i felt like a helpless woman(eh, girl... i still don't even feel like a woman) who could only be something with a strong, intelligent, alpha-male who had life figured out. Maybe i am stupid for believing it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and put yourself out there for someone you love. Maybe, just maybe, my mom is right... she always says "You cant depend on anyone but yourself!" But i thought she was wrong because she's been single for the past 20 years straight, and her marriage crumbled. i am slowly beginning to understand her logic. Sadly.

i am completely unsure of who i am, or what i want, because i have spent the past three years of my life shaping myself into what would please Master, and changing my thoughts as to what is sexy, beautiful, and pleasing according to His views. While i understand this, it leaves me completely vulnerable, and to the point where i feel i am nothing without Master... which then leads to problems of "not being able to hold my ground" without Him, and then, i'm"too dependent" which only causes some crazy problems in and of itself.

So, i am left entangled in a web of uncertainty, unwanted stress, a Master who feels at His limit, a "slave" (if you can call me that anymore) who is afraid to submit to a Master who is unsure if He wants to stay or go, a "big gray cloud" of a situation that is spiraling out of control, financial stress and just about to lose everything we have, oh... and sprinkle some love in there... and there you have it.

i cant sleep, i cant eat, and i don't want a life without Master. This "dark gray cloud" situation needs to end. Let's just hope we can hang on to each other long enough to make it through this.... then maybe, just maybe, we can work on everything else and get things back into place before the situation happened.

Until then, Master, just know, i love you. Just know i am giving every piece of me that i can. And just know, that while this situation is scary for you, it is for me as well. You cant even imagine some of the feelings i have towards it. Just think, the fate of my family, my life, and the dreams i wanted to make reality are in the hands of someone from Your past... that's not cool. Yet again, i am in the shadows... a no one. Now, don't think i am blaming You for this, i know it's not Your fault. So, before You go off the deep end on what i just said, please, just let it soak.

She goes about her day to day, attempting to do her duties to perfection,
She cries alone each night, and by day, work her way through the fears and self rejection.
No one knows this woman is carrying such grief,
If they would only see a glimpse of things, they would shudder in disbelief.
Her heart aches with loneliness, and her tears? She tries to disguise with pride.
Why does she continue to care what they think? It's becoming too much for her to hide.
She sits at home and pours her heart out to a man who is hurt himself, so can he really care?
He seems to not hear a word she says, looking through her as if she's not really there.
No friends to confide in, no family who has not gone astray,
Alone and broken hearted, she begins to wish she could fade away.

Home Sweet Home

2009-05-28T08:49:00.004-04:00

i am so proud of myself! Check out this amazing loaf of bread i made all by myself this morning :) yum!!! It's quite amazing if you ask me ;) haha.

So Master and i moved on Monday (great way to celebrate the holiday actually!) We are getting situated in the new house...yes house! :) It's great to have the baby out of our room now, but he's having issues sleeping the whole night through because he's by himself now, and it's a strange room (no less filled with boxes and furniture stacked floor to ceiling!)

It's actually pretty humorous because the first night, Master and i got the baby down, and then we laid down in our bed, and guess what we did!?!? We whispered! Seriously. Habit i guess :) i started laughing to myself because it's funny how being a parent to a little one changes you.

Master and i are excited to get settled in here. It's beautiful! The landlord came by yesterday to ask us about the deck we are going to be building on the house :) I cant wait! i am really hoping this is a fresh start, a new beginning, and that soon, things will just work out and go back to normal.

i loves Him!

2009-05-21T11:28:00.002-04:00

Lately, i have been working my butt off at work! i have been getting overtime every week for the past month now, and quite frankly, i was really beginning to miss Master and the baby. To top it all off i got asked to work on my DAY OFF yesterday, and it ended up being the worst day at work ever (of course....right? lol)

On my way home all i wanted to do was cry. i was so happy to find that Master was awake waiting for me when i got home :) It made things a lot better of course! We talked and then decided to go to bed shortly after, and spent some good snuggle time together. Then the best thing in the entire world happened ...

We had great sex, followed by Master allowing me to fall asleep with His cock still inside me. MMM! There is nothing sexier than that to me ... i mean really? It drives me crazy, it makes me feel whole, (er, full?) and there's something to be said about a man who can keep His cock hard and in my vagina until i fall asleep :) i loves Him!

Master and i had not done this since, oh years ago! Before i was pregnant at least!! It was amazing, and it made me forget about all the yucky stuff from work!

Besides that, things are going okay. We are still dealing with this "dark, gray cloud" but that situation SHOULD be over in the next two months or so *Sigh* please? Master and i are also trying to get the apartment packed up and ready to move into the house (my dad's house that we are going to rent) and that is an amazing blessing in itself because now, we will have our bedroom back and be able to be intimate, and we can go back to hot amazing screaming sex since baby wont be in our room anymore! yay to that! Bring on the intimacy!!! *giggles* i am excited about this move, but i am definitely not enjoying the packing and painting that comes with it! The new house should be great though... big back yard (fenced in no less!) enough bedrooms for everyone, a playroom for the kiddos.... oh, and not to mention the enormous living room! i am super psyched! Hopefully, everything works out and starts falling into place.

Confession time...

2009-05-04T10:19:00.002-04:00

i have a serious confession.... i think i have been trying to deny it for quite some time, but this past week it has consumed my every thought. My confession is that..... I HAVE BABY FEVER!! i find myself longing to be pregnant again. Longing to carry Master's child, and longing to make our family bigger. Our baby is about to turn a year old, and honestly, i have been crying this past week every time i hold him and play with him because i'm realizing he is not a little baby anymore.

i finally told Master what i have been feeling in my heart. The sad thing is, right now does not seem to be the right time. In fact, i don't see it being the right time for a while. The "big gray cloud situation" needs to be over before we even think about it. i know that stress would not be good for a growing baby. i am the only one working now since Master has been laid off (stupid economy!) We are getting by, okay that's a lie, we are struggling daily to get by, everything has been closing in around us, and we find it a constant struggle to provide the important things.... so why add another baby? No less factoring in maternity leave from work, and then add on the thousand dollars for the midwife and the birth? hmm. Obviously, it's not that logical of an idea.

So how do i tell my heart that something it longs for can not happen right now? i think a lot of this is fear. Fear that when the situations work out and we are actually feeling that baby time is okay, that we will have all the conceiving issues we had before. It took me over a year to get pregnant with our son. Add in the miscarriages, the pain of failing, and a mother's heart? Yeah, it was definitely not a pleasant chapter in my life. i am also scared because i made the decision to go back on birth control... which, is probably the whole reason we had such a hard time conceiving. So now i am just really concerned about things.

What i want more than anything is to start trying for another baby. i think right now, i would be okay if i didn't get pregnant for quite a few months, but what i don't want is to wait until everything seems "perfect" and then start trying, because that is when i would really start losing it over not getting pregnant right away. i don't want to experience heartache likethat ever again.

i have always been one to follow my heart, even when things were kinda blurry and didn't always make perfect sense.... i just always trusted that by following my heart, it would always work out. And it always has. Now, i find myself unable to follow my heart due to life circumstances, and the turmoil inside of me that is following is not a pleasant feeling. i just had to get this out of me, so i could focus. It consumed my thoughts while sleeping last night.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

we're gonna make it after all!

2009-04-14T07:53:00.002-04:00

Go figure. i am all ready sitting here with tears falling from my face. My heart is so heavy and broken. The big gray cloud? Well, let's just say things with that situation has taken a turn for the worst. Nothing makes sense, and it really honestly feels like Master and i didn't even get a chance. Now, we find ourselves struggling more than ever before. Everyone is saying "justice will be served" or "everything happens for a reason" or "good always prevails" and "God has a plan for this, and everything will work out all right" Master and i have wanted to believe what people are saying, but at this point all we can do is surrender everything and be at the mercy of a court who seem to only want to say F you.

Oh, how i wish i could just spill here. i wish, behind the "Secret" identity, i could just write everything out, but unfortunately, due to the nature of what is going on, i can not. i could really use the support from all of you who read this. i am so thankful for being raised in a Christian home where at least Hope and Faith have always been talked about. Right now, Master and i are so low on both. i know we need to be strong, especially for the children, but it's proving to be harder and harder

Master, i want You to know that i am here for You. i want You to know that You and i have made it through some tough times. Sure, nothing near as tough as this. Sure, nothing that ever came close to ruining our family like this has. There is nothing You and i cant walk through together. Our bond and love is too strong to crumble in a situation like this. We can make it through anything.

i am alive

2009-03-11T04:03:00.002-04:00

So i just wanted to post real quick. i don't want you all to think i have abandoned my blog. Honestly, so much is going on right now, i can not even find the right words to say. Master and i are fine, things are just really stressful right now. Remember that dark gray cloud of a situation? Well, we are just trying to deal with that. When all of it is over, i will gladly share about it. Anyways, thanks for all the support guys! It's much appreciated!!

Oh, and check out my new babies!! :) Their names are Abby (the bigger one) and Bella (the little one) These are chaweenies!! Only the cutest dogs in the entire world ;) They love the baby, they are gentle, oh and Master (Mr. i want a big huge big manly man dog!!!) LOVES them :) He wont admit it, but He does...

Oh, and i am predicting that every man in the world is going to want a Chaweenie..... seriously. What man doesn't want a cute, small little dog to attract the ladies, AND what man can go around asking women if they want to pet his chaweenie!?!? Well guys... that's my prediction! :) lol. i will post more pictures soon!! They are soooo adorable! Thank you Master for allowing me to have such adorable dogs ;) hehe!

Fuck Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T22:35:00.001-05:00

Just like the title says....

FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY!

Nothing went as planned, in fact, it turned into a huge fight. So yeah, i am frustrated, Master is frustrated, and the baby? well, is sick... and awake.

forget life. forget everything. seriously, why do i try so hard for it all to crumble?

Dear Body

2009-02-09T09:47:00.004-05:00

Dear Body,

First, let me say that i'm sorry i continuously call you fat. You're not. i promise. It's not your fault i failed to see how great you truly are. You always let me know when i'm not treating you right. While sometimes, i might not like the feelings that come with that, i appreciate your honesty. It's rare these days, you know. You have your weaknesses- especially that major one that we rarely talk about with anyone- but overall, your strengths far outnumber them. Thanks for sticking with me for these past 21 years.

Hair! You rock at life. i hope you know that. You always have a way of making me feel better. Thanks for cooperating with me each and every day. You don't even know how great it makes me feel to start my day off with us working together. i'm sorry that i've practically killed you on more than one occassion with dye, straighteners,hair dryers, and Master's hands pulling you. And i'm really sorry about the time i tried to dye you red... i'll never put you through such a horrendous act again. i love being blonde. Thank you for showing me, and i'm sorry it was at your expense.

Eyes,you are gorgeous in case you were wondering! You've helped me so much throughout my life. i'm such a visual person, i would be entirely lost without you. i love it when Master can look at you and know exactly what it is i am thinking. Oh, and i'm also sorry that sometimes, i hide you with my hair. It's honestly not intentional.... it just falls there.

Nose! Thanks for allowing me to smell some wonderful things (and some not so wonderful things!) in my lifetime. Thanks for being so perfect. You're not too big, not too small, you're just right, and i love you. Thanks for being so cute and perfect.... and i'm sorry i bashed you into Master's elbow the other night... trust me, i felt your pain! i promise to talk to eyes and have them work on where we are going ok?

Hands! i owe you everything. There is no way i would be where i am in my life without your fingers guiding pens across paper the way they do. You were my ticket out of a place i felt was suffocating me. You didn't let me down. Thanks, hands. i owe you one. i'm really sorry about the knuckle cracking and nail biting business. i'm trying really hard to stop. Oh, and i'm sorry for not really ever liking you for the fact i have my "daddy's hands" ... and well, you've served me as a reminder of a man who has hurt me throughout my life by never being around... i am sorry for holding that against you. It's really not your fault.

Feet! i'm sorry i don't let too many people see you. You're pretty nice, actually. And i'm sorry i enjoy torturing you by wearing those beautiful 6 inch heels for Master's pleasure. We have been through some good times together... and some not so good times. Do you remember the time we ran away? i do. You were so tired that day. Do you remember how much trouble we got into? Yeah, that wasn't fun. Let's not do that again... No, i'm not blaming you, but let's just not do that again ok?

Arms, i'm sorry you're so sore right now. It's for a good cause, i swear! We need to work on you a little bit. Since the pregnancy, well, you're a little flabby and scrawny. Especially you, left arm. We're going to work on that though, we'll get you into shape, don't fret! i am sorry i feel bad about you sometimes, but we will get there, we will make it in time for summer. i promise! And then, i'll expose you to the world :) Deal? Oh, and wrists? i'm sorry i was so rough on you during those really hard depressing times. Thanks for not scarring, now i can move forward, and i promise i will never do anything like that again.

Mouth, oh boy do you get me in trouble sometimes with Master! ugh. Thanks for allowing me to make all those funny faces to the baby though :) Oh, and thanks for providing a tongue that was pierced for Master's pleasure a while back... i really love it! It wasn't that bad was it? Thanks for allowing me to quote Billy Madison all the time, i think Adam Sandler would be proud. Oh, and i'm sorry that sometimes, we push things to far and have to wear the gag for a while.... i will work on that.

Boobs, oh i used to love you so much, but lately? not the case. i am sorry i am so harsh on you! Honestly, i should be thanking you for providing the baby with some wonderful, and abundant supply of milk. You did great! Also, thanks for being so big... i love you for that! i know you make some other girls jealous, but hey, don't feel bad... thanks for giving me something great! Oh, and i know you endure a lot of pain for Master's sake... thanks for being so tough! And you have to admit, when He rubs you afterward, the pain disappears and it feels great right?

Legs, man i love how everyone says you're so long! You make it kind of difficult to find jeans that fit perfectly with heels, and without, but hey, we are working on that. i love you anyway. Thanks for being my most dependable means of transportation, even though i complain when i have to use you instead of the car. i know you need some toning up for summer. We will be hitting the gym here soon... so i know you will be sore for a little while, it will be worth it when i show you off in some cute dresses Master picks out for summer!

Ass! Well, thanks for taking all those spankings from Master i love so much. Oh, and that punishment with the cane? i promise i will do whatever i can to make sure that never happens again. Also, thanks for relaxing and taking Master all the way inside you. i know it was hard at first, but look how far we have come! Speaking of cum, thanks for always taking it! You do great! Oh, and i'm sorry that when we are in public, i hide you by begging Master to have His hand there... trust me, it's not because i don't like you, it's just that i love Master's hand on His property in public. It's a sweet gesture of our love and bond. It has nothing to do with you. Oh yeah, and thanks for not being hair or moley... we might have some issues then!

Stomach, i'm learning how to like you more every day. Like i said earlier, you're really not fat. i can even see fun little tones if i turn just the right way. i'm sorry i can only eat bland foods on this new diet. Just remember to savor the flavor on those once a week cheat days ;) Do you remember that time you had an ulcer? Man, that was awful. Thankfully, those drinking days are over, and i promise to treat you better. Sorry in advance, you're probably going to be mad at me soon... mouth made me eat BBQ Chicken Pizza about thirty minutes ago.Please go easy on me ok? Thanks in advance.

Well body, that's about all i have to say. i'm glad we are still friends, and i'm going to work on complimenting you more every day. In fact, i will make sure from today on, i say something nice every morning when i wake up. i'm going to treat you better, love you more, and let you know how much you mean to me. i'm really trying body,please know that! This negative body image crap has got to go. With Master's help, we can do anything... we've seen that become truth many times before. Trust me okay?

Love,
Me

P.S. i am trying to work on this whole compromising on the height thing.... well, i wish you would just grow one more inch. Please? Or else i am going to have to torture legs and feet and start wearing 7 inch heels.... it's up to you body. in the mean time, i will keep my fingers crossed!!

inside my own head

2009-02-09T07:06:00.003-05:00

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant

my day has just begun, and i am all ready inside my own head stressing myself out. i am nervous. Since Master and i have been together, i seriously have MAYBE worked a total of 6 months. Master has been a great provider, and has allowed me to stay at home with the children and focus on school. Due to the "big gray cloud" and a dakjdgblbghbghdb of a person (That would be me wanting to use swear words but choosing not to) who is now involved in the situation, we have been barely scraping by since we have spent over $5,000.00 on legal fees and court costs to get this situation over with! (in just the last 2 months thats what we have paid!!!!) So seriously, i have been forced into getting a job to help out for right now.

i had an interview on Friday, and got hired on the spot. That made me feel good, and i was like, hmm maybe i can do this. i am going to be a waitress again, (since it's what i do best!) and it's at a sports bar/grill so i should make decent money thanks to serving alcohol. i have friends who work there, so that's always an added plus. So really, i am trying to look at the positives!!!!

i am scared because without working, i am struggling from day to day to manage the house, the children, Master's needs, and school. i cry every couple of days because it's overwhelming. The baby has stopped sleeping through the night, so i don't sleep very much and i am just drained! The house looks so gross, and when i can pick up a little, it doesn't even seem to make a dent in what needs to be done. So now somehow, i need to juggle work on top of this? i feel like i am setting myself up for failure to be honest.

i am going to be working 4-5 nights a week. So, Master will get home from work around 3:30 and i will have to go into work until late at night. Then, i will get home, probably crash, just to get up with the baby somewhere between 2-5 hours later... that's scary to me. i know myself, i know i cant function like that. i need my sleep or else i am worthless.

i have also heard the management at this place are hard to work for, expect a lot, and if its not done the way they want when they want... there's the door. i really shouldn't judge before i go in there, but i am nervous to say the least!!

Also, since money making nights are the weekends, i will be working Friday and Saturday nights. Now, that means i wont be home until 1-3 am!!! Then, i will come home and want to sleep, and the kids will be up between 4-7, so there's the issue of sleep again. Plus, even if Master does get up with them, i will be sad for missing out on some family time. i don't see us getting much, if any of it. And why? All because of this dhgdjagjdb person i am forced into working. A person i hate, a person when someone mentions their name, i just fill up with anger in 2.5 seconds. i hate the fact that this person is trying to ruin our lives, and in the end, i know karma will get her... but seriously, it's annoying to deal with... at the expense of my family? i don't think so.

i know there are thousands of moms across the world who work and take care of things, i guess the reasons i am upset is because #1, this isn't something Master and i wanted... it's something forced thanks to an annoying situation, and #2, i know myself, and i know my abilities, and right now, with the baby not really sleeping, and me not even taking care of myself, well, i cant even begin to think about adding MORE responsibilities.

Another huge thing that i am really nervous about this job is that i am afraid i will see young people my age out partying, having fun, with no cares in the world... and want that way of life back. i moved out of home at 17, fled to Michigan where i was in a D/s relationship that i knew was abusive, but it was my ticket out of home... so i went. When i got on my own up there, i joined the local scene, but downward spiraled into alcohol and partying. i am proud to say, that since meeting Master, i have never been drunk. Sure, i've enjoyed a drink here and there, but never like it was. No more hiding myself in alcohol. So i am just afraid that being around it, will make me want that life... and now that i am a mother, and have to care for others, i am really hoping it's not an issue. i know Master is here for me, but i would just hate to have to struggle with this again.

i just feel like i have a lot of pressure to do this. i have no clue how i will manage everything, and i really honestly do not see this working out (sorry, but at least i am honest) i am going to go in with a positive attitude, and really give it a try. i just don't want to let Master and the kids down.

A butterfly for remembrance

2009-02-07T18:37:00.008-05:00

There are moments in my life when i really feel that God is looking down on me, watching out for me so to speak. There are moments when you understand why a tragedy happened, or well, can finally come to terms with what happened. As personal as this story is, i have to share it.

Master and i are getting married in July. We were having issues as far as where the ceremony should be. Master wanted woods, i wanted gardens, Master wanted outdoors, we both wanted a sunset wedding which, was proving harder and harder to come by.

Today has been a not so good day, until this! Even on the way to the location, i was pissy, and begged Master to let me call and cancel our appointment! Of course, He said no lol. (Thankfully) We got there and began the tour of the gardens. Well, every garden was beautiful, they were all too small to hold the number we needed (over 150 guests) i was feeling a little defeated! The wind was blowing the chilliest breeze, and the snow had all turned to ice, so seriously, i thought i was going to fall at any given second. We were all the way to the other side of the gardens, and i saw this beautiful garden, and it looked big enough! As we got closer my eyes began to light up, and guess what was in the backround of the garden? WOODS! So Master was getting all smiley :) Then, as we approached the garden, i saw a memorial sign. The garden name? The Kristen Jackson memorial gardens..... i immediately began to cry, and my heart started racing.

You see, Kristen was a good friend of mine. We grew up together in church, and became close friends. Kristen was there for me through a horrible event in my life (a sexual assualt...followed by an unwanted pregnancy) Here in this small town, the most excitement happens in September, just after going back to school.....The county fair (lame, yes i know but that's a small town for ya!) Well, it's such a big deal, that all the schools in our county shut down for one day, and it's considered fair day! All students get in free, and it's just a really, really fun time. i passed by Kristen throughout the day, never knowing that would be the last time i would be so blessed to have known her.

Kristen went missing for days, none of us could go to school, and at church, we just prayed, and sobbed. We knew Kristen was not the type of girl to run away, and at that point, we knew something tragic had happened. Joel Yockey was later arrested for her murder. Kristen was seen by this monster walking home, (he happened to be a near by neighbor of hers) He offered to drive her home, and she got in the car with him. From there, he raped her, murdered her, and chopped her body into several pieces, and disposed of her in a nearby swamp. Her young life over. Gone just like that.

Kristen's death ripped our whole community apart, and the impact to her friends was devastating. While Kristen was taken from our lives 7 years ago, i still think of her often. These gardens were beautiful, all most as beautiful as she was. i just cried as i realized i am going to be getting married in her garden. What a wonderful way to honor her. Also, her garden is attached to the butterfly gardens, so instead of doing bubbles or a dove release, we have decided to do a butterfly release.... to honor our marriage, and Kristen's life. my heart is overjoyed.

Kristen's death made me think why me Lord? Why did i survive my sexual assualt, and not my friend? Through speaking with her family, and our pastors, i was able to move forward with what had happened to me, by seeing that i lived. i survived, unfortunately, my friend did not. Guilt took over me, which turned to depression, then acceptance, and a vow to never be a "victim." Instead, i became a survivor, and i volunteered to teach a support group for sexually assaulted girls later on.... i did this to honor Kristen. i did this, to let other girls know, not everyone lives.

i cant even really explain how i feel.... i know this is a God thing. i know He is there. This is not fate, it's been part of the plan all along. i cherished my friendship with Kristen very much, but i honestly can not say i would be here if she had not died.... the depression from what happened to me was rotting away my spirit, slowly taking over every part of me. Through her death, i saw light. After the grieving process, i found strength, i found a way to love myself, move past the pain, and appreciate the fact that i was still alive. i knew Kristen would want me to see how fortunate i was. While i mourn the loss of my good friend, i have been able to turn a negative life situation into something positive.

i called my mom immediately from the gardens today and told her the news, and she started crying.... she got in her car, and drove over to see it. We cried and hugged, it was a moment i will remember forever. i am going to make a board and put it next to the memorial sign in the garden. i want people to know who Kristen was to me, and the special life she lived in her short time here. i want to lay some fresh flowers down privately there, probably before the wedding, and just have a moment with her. i honestly do not believe it could get any better than this.

This was the song that was played at her service... Kristen.... thanks for 14 fun years of life. i was honored to call you friend.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin

Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

i am crushed! ugh

2009-02-06T18:59:00.002-05:00

Ok, so this is a pitty party post!!! Truthfully! i am so pissed right now! i spent a long ass time last night completing a 2,000 word essay for my final project. i was exhausted before i even started, and by the time i was done, i was whipped. So, completely without realizing it, i posted my assignment in the wrong folder online. Now, this doesn't sound like a big problem right? Wrong!

Apparantly it's school policy that if it's not submitted right, it cant count at all... nope, for nothing! So my mistake, just cost me my whole grade, and now i stand no chance at passing. Not only does my effort for that assignment go out the door, but all the time and effort i have put into this class over the past 9 weeks. What the hell? i am so angry, with myself, and the stupid school policy. It's not like i didn't complete it!

i just started crying when i read that from my proffessor. Master understands why i am upset, and feels horrible because He knows how hard i have worked in my classes. i just cant believe it's over just because of one assignment! Now i need to take the class over, and pay an extra $950! Out of pocket, i cant take it out in a loan because i failed. Ugh. This is some serious bull!!

i hope my proffessor replies back with some better news, but it's definitely not looking good whatsoever! And to think, i was going to have a good night tonight... now? ha. Forget it. i wonder why i even bother thinking i can do something. It's times like this, i really wonder.

Anger breakthrough

2009-02-05T13:27:00.002-05:00

Last night, was a breakthrough. At least, i hope so. Master and i got the baby to bed, and decided to spend some time snuggling. Master was sprawled out all comfortable on the couch, so sat my butt down on the floor, and laid my head in His lap and watched some tv with Him. Together, we shared that moment, laughing, talking, and just relaxing in the comfort of each other. Mater was touching me, i was touching Him, and we were both enjoying the moment.

i closed my eyes and yawned, just laying there, and Master asked me if i wanted to be dismissed and go to bed, which of course, i said no thanks :) Master allowed me to just remain there, relaxing in His comfort, and He then told me to take Him in His mouth. i happily obliged, and really got into it faster than most nights. i began worshiping my Master, a lot of love behind it, getting sucked into the moment, and just taking in the feeling of Him in my mouth. i did not think about anything during that time besides serving Master, and making sure He was happy and pleased! It was such a wonderful feeling, very freeing.

i begged Master for His cum in my mouth, and Master happily fed me :) ... a rather big load i might add ;) After it all, i laid and rested my head into Master's belly, thanking Him for what He gave me, and for allowing me to snuggle with Him. Master and i whispered some "I love you's!" and continued watching whatever was on tv.

This is where things sort of get a little shady in my mind. i remember feeling something brewing up inside of me. i can not explain exactly what it is, or how it exactly felt. i just know, that my attitude started changing.... for the worse. i started whining, i started pouting, and i just don't know... something was not right. i looked up at Master and said, "for some reason, i feel like i have an attitude." i said this to Him, because i was so confused. Why? Master and i just enjoyed a wonderful time together, nothing was wrong, and i was very content and happy where i was (so i thought!)

i don't really recall what happened next, but i do remember Master saying it was bed time. i went up to bed, and got all snuggled in and comfy, and then Master came up shortly after and joined me. i love laying next to Him in bed.... my body fits so perfectly into His... and it's the most peaceful and loving way to end every night. Last night, was just a little different. Oh, i loved being there, and it was wonderful, but for some reason, the attitude was going away, but was turning into anger. i have no clue why, well, it kind of maybe makes a little sense later... but at the moment, i was totally lost.

i was on the verge of crying. In fact, i actually believe i started crying, but i am not quite sure. i definitely was not all there last night because i can not even remember it all *sigh* i know i felt a strong urge somewhere from the anger that i needed a release.... (yes, this means orgasm, but i didn't need it in a sexual way... more like get whatever it was out of me, so no, it wasn't like i just want my nut cuz Master got His!) Master was trying to talk me through the emotions, letting me know that my anger was getting more and more intense. i toldHim i just felt i needed to release whatever was inside of me out. i was begging for His touch, and i was begging to get whatever it was out of me. Master began touching me down there, rubbing slightly, and the feelings intensified. i was on this weird emotional edge. i cant even explain what was going on. i begged Master to allow me to release. He allowed me to, and the next thing i know my whole body was just shaking uncontrollably, and this release was turning painful. Shaky legs all tensed up, and moving uncontrollably, my heart was racing, and i just immediately started crying. After about five minutes of this (yes, 5!! and Master had stopped touching me right after He allowed me to release!!!) i finally started to stop shaking as much, all though, the tears were still flowing. i was slowly beginning to melt back into Him, where i always lay, and Master just held me.

i have no idea how to explain what happened. i have no clue what was really going on inside of me that needed to get out, but i need to find another way to deal with this "anger" and not have it always come out in that way. i need to talk to Master about it again when He gets home so that i can piece together what He remembers (as He will remember it all) and then hopefully i can match it up to what i remember, and figure out things emotionally and mentally.

Has anyone had a similar experience like this? It doesn't really make any sense to me whatsoever! i don't understand why i have these intense emotions at times. Some days, it's perfect and my emotions are cool, but others? oh man. Not so much. i know it probably comes back to the post partum depression i experienced, but i am beginning to wonder if it's something deeper from my past or something. it very well could be, but there's no point in bringing that all in to this until after i talk to Master. Who knows.

Just a simple rambling

2009-02-03T09:39:00.003-05:00

First of all, sorry everyone (especially libby!!) for my absense these past few days!! i have so much to update, and unfortunately, time seems to be my biggest enemy right now. i have to talk about the other night! Ever since i had my homebirth (natural delivery obviously) i have not felt "back to normal" down there. i mean, we have had sex for quite some time, but i think because we decided to have sex just a few days after i gave birth, that i didn't allow myself to heal properly. (it was not painful though...and we went easy) Well, i never realized how much this really bothered me until the other night.

Master and i went to bed, and started touching and loving on each other. Of course, one thing leads to another, and well, you can guess the rest! From when Master and i first got together, to right before i became pregnant, He was able to make me orgasm and convulse beyond anything i could ever imagine. It would seriously, never stop....eventually becoming painful and would take me to that deep sub space that is so comforting. Well, unfortunately, i have not been able to experience that since i had the baby. i have had orgasms, but they are painful, or short, and then after i have it? forget it, i'm done lol. i just crash! Well, the other night was different. Master allowed me to orgasm, and it was like how it used to be.

i went so deep, i loved it, i loved Master for allowing me to experience this all again, i loved Master for being right there through it all because honestly, it caught me off guard, and i actually had to deal with some things afterwards. i loved my body for finally healing, and i loved the fact that i was able to release something that i had no idea was bothering me in the back of my mind for quite some time.

Afterwards, i seriously cried. i just laid in Master's arms crying and touching Him gently. i know He had to feel pretty good about it all as well :) i'm so thankful i am finally getting back to pre-baby...even down there! ha. i cant wait for another night like that ;)

Everything else this way is going well. Master and i have just been busy!! We have wedding appointments today, and i have my wedding hair appointment practice scheduled for Friday the 13th! haha. Ummm, should i be worried? So i am just excited for that. The wedding dress i ordered should come in in about 2 more months, and i can not wait to try it on after all the customizing and all :)

Well that's all i have time for.... i am going out with my sister and her kid for lunch! :) Playdate!

Inside Men and Women's Souls part 2....(fakeout!)

2009-01-30T23:14:00.005-05:00

Okay guys.... so i am not done with this post.... i had to run thanks to the baby :) BUT, i will be writing part 2....tomorrow :) heh...suspense! i know, it will kill you!

Moving on:

i have to say, i am actually quite disappointed with what i have seen on Fetlife so far. i just created my profile recently, and started posting in some groups (slave related groups) and i am severely disappointed. Maybe it's just me being "old fashioned", educated, and trying to have class sometimes. Maybe it's because i know what i want, and i've fought hard for everything i have gained. Maybe it's because i have an amazing Master who i really just sometimes forget how truly wonderous and smart He is when it comes to the lifestyle.

i log onto fetlife, hoping to stumble across a post that's actually not a "stupid question" and something i can really benefit from, and honestly, i would post comments on there, but i know i would come across as a huge bitch. i have never been one to classify myself that way, but i have never met so many (in my opinion) dirty, trashy, posers in my life! Maybe i am just missing it right now. i don't understand how you can praise infidelity and deceit.

Ahhh i have to contain myself :) i am not saying i think everyone on there is fake and dumb, but majority? That seems to be the case. i guess it would be no different than collarme or alt if they had groups and forums, but wow; just wow. And people wonder why BDSM is viewed so negatively. i seriously think there's something more here, but right now, all i am is shocked. Maybe i will be able to pin point it later and write more! Who knows. Something is just rubbing me wrong in some of those groups.

Oh, and libby dearest.... i am sorry i have not replied yet :( i apologize!! i have been thinking about you a lot though! :) Have fun with your sister tomorrow!!

Inside men and women's souls

2009-01-27T11:15:00.003-05:00

i have seen quite a few posts from slaves and dominants on blogs here, and on fetlife, and i figured i would finally post on this issue as my personal view is completely different than most. The discussion mostly comes down to this issue:

Are all women submissive, and are all men dominant. Also, along with this, should girls/daughter be raised to be submissive little housewives, and should boys/sons be raised as strong, dominant, manly men.

This might be just a little long, so please hang in there, but this is something i see as a huge problem.... all most an epidemic if you will. First, i should say that these views are my opinion, based on what i have seen as a young woman with many friends, an adolescent biopsychology backround thanks to college, a child care certification for preschoolers and elementary, a mother, and as a midwifery student.

i believe women and men were designed to compliment each other perfectly. i do not believe a man, or a woman, was made to be alone. If you look through the history of humans, women have usually, if not always, been the submissive gender (look at Victorian era....all based on rank and respect; even up through the 1950's which was the Leave it to Beaver family dolled up picture perfect submissive wife/mother.) i believe there are longings of both men and women, that are deep inside every man/woman's souls.

A man is obviously much less complicated than a woman (i don't think anyone would disagree with me there!) i believe every man wants to "battle a fight." Think about little boys; they love weapons! Whether it be light sabers, knives, guns, or pirate swords. Look at the movies men love to watch; Braveheart, Gladiator, Top Gun, Saving Private Ryan. i also believe men long for adventure. Think back to little boys; they love to climb, jump, and see how fast they can ride their bikes...backwards....and without hands! Adventure requires something of a man, its putting them to the test. Though some men can fear the test, at the same time they long to be tested so they can discover whether or not they have what it takes. Also, i believe every man longs for a "Beauty" to rescue. Where would Robinhood be without Marian, or King Arthur without Guinervere? So, when you put these pieces together, you see that a man doesn't want just a battle to fight, he needs someone to fight for. i believe, nothing inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves. Most of the daring (and sometimes borderline stupid) things younger men do are to impress the girls. Come on ladies, we all can name a few from our high schools, hell, probably even from college. What about the men who are fighting in Iraq? They are carrying pictures of their women, tucked into their uniforms while they are fighting. It's the perfect metaphor for this deep longing inside their souls.

Now, i am not saying that a woman is a helpless creature who can not live without a man. So, don't think that for a minute. Now.... bring on the women!

i believe inside every woman's heart, is a desire to be romanced. Women long to be the "beauty," abducted by bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero/prince. Think of the movies you loved as a little girl; Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, The Last of the Mohicans, Sense and Sensibility, The Sound of Music, Little Women, a Little Princess, Sarah Plain and Tall. Little girls long for romance, to be seen and desired, to be fought for. Every little girl wants to be precious to someone- especially their Daddy. As a woman get older, the desire turns into a longing to be pursued,wanted as a woman. We want to be a priority. Also, i believe women want to play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure. We want to be a part of something good that requires all of us, something dangerous and worth dying for. A woman is a warrior too, but in a more feminine way. (All you have to do is inslut a woman's children, man, or best friend and you will get a glimpse of it!) Most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play; they want to believe that there is something in them that is needed, and wanted desperately. Women were made to be a part of an adventure that is shared. I personally believe that a woman does not want the adventure for only adventure's sake, but for what it requires of her for others. The other main thing i believe is in the core of a woman, is we want a beauty to unveil. Let's face it, women want to be beautiful. They want to be breathtaking, captivating, and lovely. Why do you think little girls play dress up? They put on their mother's clothes and makup, shoes many sizes too big, and twirl in beautiful sparkly and shining skirts. It's inside a woman's soul from a young age to be beautiful have "sparkle" in her life. The desire to be beautiful is an ageless longing. Compliment an elderly woman, and see a face light up, wrinkles and age spots disappearing, and beam with delight. It never goes a way. Sort of.

Now, based on this. i can actually answer the questions at hand. Women and men, were designed completely different, to compliment eachother. Cant you see how they go together so beautifully?A woman, in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to bloom and his pursuit draws out her beauty. A man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, which draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero. This is how i believe it was meant to be.

Somewhere along the line, we have lost sight of how men and women were designed. Now, we have passive men, men afraid to stand up for anything. Now, we have "Dominant, strong, independent women" who somehow believe they are better then men. We have fathers (and mothers too!) who crush the spirits of their daughters by not being there, or not making them feel delighted in. We have mothers (and fathers too!) breaking the spirit of our young boys for their "violent" play. This causes wounds. Deep, hurtful, even shameful wounds. Wounds that scream, "I am not good enough!" "I am not delightful!" "I am no hero!" "I am not beautiful" it's damaging.

i believe, based on everything i have said this far, that men are natural born leaders, and women take the irreplaceable "supporting" role. This would mean that women are more naturally submissive, and the men are obviously, naturally dominant. The dynamic works that way. Let me provide a few examples.

i am Master's slave. Obviously, He is the one in charge, and i follow His lead. Should i feel that i am somehow less than He? No! Why? Because without me, He would not have a slave to be dominant over. He would not be able to be what he truly is. i play an irreplaceable role, and i know i am His beauty. i am completely vulnerable and open to bend to His will, and He is vulnerable and completely opened to me, as i am in a position where i could easily hurt Him. This dynamic works.

i am a mother of a boy, and a girl. When i get alone time with my daughter, what type of activities do we do? Well, we play dress up, we brush eachother's hair, paint our nails, sing songs like we are pop stars, we talk about beautiful things, we watch sappy love story Disney movies, we go shopping for beautiful clothes, and we delight in eachother. Now, my son is only 6 months old, but when i get some alone time with him when he's older am i going to sit there and brush his hair? No. We will go out and seek some kind of adventure. i delight in my daughter, i try hard to nurture her feminine soul, and with my son? Well, when he gets older, i hope i bring out the "hero" in him. i hope i am able to nurture a creative, heroic, adventuresome boy.

Another example is that in July, Master and i had a planned homebirth. We decided we would welcome our son into the world in a baby pool in our bedroom with close friends and family around us. This was a very intimate and emotional time. Master could not be the hero in this situation, i had to be the warrior. i knew Master was there for me, and He did all He could do to make sure labor and delivery was pleasant. i knew i was in an adventure, not for just myself, but for Him! For our family! And for a lifetime of happiness. It was so amazing to deliver our son, and hear Master praise what a lovely job i had done.

Also, there is a woman i looked up to. Strong, driven, beautiful, rich, and married with 3 children. Oh i wanted to be her so badly! She didn't need her husband, she didn't let anything stand in her way, and she was president of her company. It seemed like there was nothing this woman couldn't do. As i got to know her, and her family more, i saw the brokeness in that home. Her husband was the most passive man ever. He felt like he was merely there to support his wife, and sit at home, cleaning, cooking, and tending to the children. There was no adventure, there was no hero, his wife was that. Her children longed for her at home. They wanted her at home. They wanted to feel like they were important enough for her presence.

i am not saying be a weak, vain, woman. Nor am i saying be a tool of a man. i am saying it's perfectly okay to be strong, but not stronger than your man. Don't overshadow his leadership. i believe that in most cases, female Doms, and male submissives, simply have so much hurt and shame, that they hide behind these walls that put them in the opposite behavior. Think about a woman who was in love. Oh, she was romanced and taken care of. Swept off her feet. Then, the relationship ends for whatever reason. What happens next? She becomes a "strong, independent, woman" She doesn't need a man in her life, she can do it without him. It's a defense mechanism. The next time she meets someone, she's got walls in place to protect herself, she defames him and his spirit, and drags him down. It's damaging to both sides. Why not express the hurt, work through it, and next time, choose a little wiser to who you allow yourself to be vulnerable to.

So, in case you couldn't figure it out, i believe we need to nurture our daughters into the domestic, submissive girls. i believe we need to nurture our boys to be strong, loving, leaders. Let them know it's okay to seek adventure. It's okay to fight for the Beauty. i am not saying that every man and woman would end up in the BDSM world, but i am saying that naturally, men were meant to lead, (maybe not tie up their slave of a woman and flog her regularly) but simply, guide the family in the direction he believes is best. i will teach my daughter how to fold laundry, how to sew a hem, how to put a tie on her man, how to iron, cook, clean, etc etc. i would want my son to know how to mow a lawn, do minor house repairs, work on cars, etc etc. Sure, they can learn the other stuff, so if they ever have to do it, that's great.

Moving Forward?

2009-01-27T05:23:00.002-05:00

Last night was a bit rough. i'm slowly moving on from the hurt, but i am mostly just bummed. Bummed that Master and i continue to allow this person an ability to upset us, and allow anger to be exchanged between the two of us. It makes no sense really. i cant believe, a person who means absolutely nothing to us, can cause so much tension, that Master and i end up hurting eachother.

i understand this situation is very, very stressful; and i know Master and i feel like there is this huge gray cloud above us all the time, but ultimately, this will be over soon (hopefully!) and we can move forward with our lives; being the happy family we usually are :)

Honestly though, when we used to have fights over this person, they were much worse. Last night, we fought, then cooled down, and actually snuggled in bed together, in fact laughing in bed together. So for that, i am thankful. Thankful that we are recognizing the "power" we are letting this person have over us, and seeing that we obviously don't want to continue in this pattern.

Oh, but on a much lighter note.... last night, we were laying in bed, and i received a text message from a friend and started cracking up, Master grabbed the phone and started laughing as well. i went to grab my phone back, and obviously it's dark besides the glow of the phone, and i slammed my nose into Master's elbow. Yes, seriously. i started crying (instinct!) and i was afraid i broke it or it was going to bleed everywhere. Master starts laughing!!!!! lol. Crazy sadist! Well, ok, to His credit, i am pretty sure He was laughing as He checked my nose and all (which, it's not broken, and it didn't bleed!) But it hurt like hell!! Then, Master seriously was cracking up so hard, He had to shove His face in the pillow so the baby wouldn't wake up. i kept telling Him it wasn't funny... that it hurt. And finally, He was like, can you imagine if we had to go to the hospital and explain what happened?

"No doctor, i swear, i slammed my nose into His elbow!"

Sounds like a cover for some serious abuse lol. Oh well. Ultimately, i was laughing, but wow, i really need to learn how to be careful!

Interesting 24 hours

2009-01-26T16:54:00.002-05:00

So last night, Master and i (and my mom!) went to the bridal store. We had all ready picked out one dress, but for some reason, i was still holding on to a dress i tried on a while back without Master there....so i wanted to take Him and see what He thought about the dress. Oddly enough, we ended up finding a different wedding dress that we both adored way more there....and it was $250 cheaper! So that was pretty awesome! So, then, it came down to paying for this dress. Well, for some reason, i decided to call my dad up (yeah... the one who just said he wasn't going to help at all with the wedding, and the one who walked out of my life when i was 3 years old) and guess what?!?! He helped me get the dress!! :) i was so shocked! My mom actually started crying! Here's to hoping we have a better father/daughter relationship together! Obviously, this is just the first step of many, but wow, i was just blown away. So that was a pretty great night!

This morning, i got the baby and myself ready for a funeral. That was pretty sad, but afterwards, my best friend and i did what we do best... shop! Yeah! So, we went to the mall....through some serious snow... in 4 and 5 inch heels.... lugging a baby around! (yeah, funny picture i know) It didn't take us long before we stopped and bought some flip flops! lol. We shopped and grabbed a whole bunch of stuff!! Pretty fun :) Started shopping for wedding night lingerie (ooo la la!) and a few surprises for Master for Valentines Day!

It was nice to be able to let loose and just have fun for once. i really needed that :) i am so refreshed, and am happy to be at home with Master tonight....hopefully, we can snuggle, and i can serve Him tonight. After a "lazy" day, i'm ready to do some serious service ;) heh heh.

i am excited to see how tonight goes with Master. i know He's tired, and His back is hurting, so maybe i can give Him a good back massage ;)

Updates... nothing too exciting!

2009-01-25T14:24:00.003-05:00

So i have to start out by saying i joined this new group through our church (yes, we go to church) and it's for young-er/ish mom's. It's a group where you have older mentors (who are married women that now have grandchildren) and we meet once a month at one of the mentors' house. They cook a 3 course meal while teaching us how to make it (they also give the recipes!) and then while the food is baking,we discuss our lesson for that month (This one was on kindness to our hubbies, our children, and ourselves!) the other lessons are submission to your hubbie (or Dom haha) and loving your children, loving your hubbie, and loving God. It was so fun! i really enjoyed the group, and i cant wait for next month! lol. The only hard thing was leaving the baby and Master. i have only left the baby a handful of times, so that was difficult, also it's hard for me to leave and do something for "myself" if that makes sense. i dedicate all my time to my family and others, then when it comes time for me? Well, i don't allow that to happen. lol.

Also, i am very excited i have found a sub friend who, well, has a lot in common with me. i am so excited to see how that works out, and since we have a lot in common, it's easy to talk about things! i am really excited to see where this goes with that....you can tell she's very dedicated to her Master and her baby. It's really precious to see :) err read? whatever!

Oh, and so last night, Master and i didn't do a good job communicating to eachother. :( It seems to be a problem that started after my depression started when we had the baby. It seems like neither of us can communicate what we need without yelling/crying/throwing anger. Fortunately, we talked it out today, and actually took a step forward! So that's nice! i have seen so many changes between Master and i lately, i cant wait to see how things continue to change and go back to how they were before the depression and breakdowns. i just hope Master knows i am trying so hard, i hope He sees my heart, and sees how all i want is to please Him!

Well, that's all i can write for now, i am off to the bridal store to show Master another dress (we have one picked out but for some reason i cant get this one out of my mind!!) so, i am taking Him to see it! So wish me luck :)

Anal Whore

2009-01-22T05:13:00.002-05:00

So last night was amazing! Master and i were both extremely tired, and i honestly thought it would be just another lazy night. i got the baby to sleep and sat down in the cozy rocker to watch .... American Idol! (Thank you Master by the way... i know it's not Your favorite show)

Now, i am assuming Master was getting a little bored, as He came over and had me get on all fours. He began touching His property with His hands (still allowing me to watch American Idol....what a nice and loving Master!) and to say i got worked up, is a huge understatement.

He started teasing my ass with His toys. In between my legs, the wetness was just dripping down! i quickly forgot about all that was around me, and drifted into subspace. After a few playful spanks, i started slamming into the toy in my asshole; oh i wanted Master in there so bad! i started begging for Him to put His huge cock in me.

It was one of those truly special moments. No lube, no tensing up, just a heart and mind needing to surrender and serve. It was beautiful and i felt so close to Master.

So, i would love to tell you all that afterwards, i was a graceful, proper slave.... but of course, that would not be me whatsoever. lol. That's not my style ;) ha. So i seriously couldn't move after Master emptied His load in my ass. i just laid on the floor groaning ha. Finally, i started crawling towards the bathroom, Master enjoying some laughs and calling me a drama queen. lol. i made my way up on the toilet, and the next thing you know, i hear Master yelling, "kitten are you okay?"

i looked up all distraught and realized i fell asleep on the toilet. Yes, you heard me correctly. Seriously who does that?!?! So yeah, Master enjoyed laughing about that for a while. i eventually gathered myself together and curled up at His feet and laid there for a while with my hand touching the top of His foot. After a little while i went to bed and Master joined me shortly; snuggling me and holding me as we drifted to sleep.

Seriously, it doesn't get much better than an awesome anal session and some snuggles!

Time for change?

2009-01-21T16:02:00.000-05:00

No no no, don't think for a minute this is a blog about the new leadership changes in our country (trust me, you don't want to hear my opinion on this issue!) i am simply at a point in my life of growth and changes. i tend to go through these phases about once a year, and it always seems to be near my birthday (December!) This year was a huge birthday.... the big 21! yep. lol. Master says they are all downhill from here!! Come on Master, remember they say 40 is the new 30, so it's okay ;)

Anyways, a lot has been going on. Master changed jobs, we had a baby this past summer, it was a completely picture perfect pregnancy, labor, and delivery at home in our bedroom :) (yes it was planned!) we moved to a different state to be near my family for support with the kids as we finished up school, and now we find ourselves making wedding plans :) yep, you heard me right lol.

Through all of these changes i learned so much about myself. i learned i underestimate myself a lot, probably in fear that i don't set the bar too high and fail, or let others down. i learned how strong i could really be under some pretty crazy/scary/challenging circumstances. i learned i was a little too dependent on Master, and i learned that sometimes, i don't like the person i am. i learned that when things get hard, i would rather shut down and get defensive than dig deep and plow through,finding a way around a problem. i also learned what i really wanted in life, who i really wanted to be there with me, and that no matter how hard things got, my love for Master never changed or wavered. It's been a pretty humbling year. This brings me to now, time for more changes.

Master and i talked the other night, He explained that due to all the changes (especially the baby!!) He got a little lax, and i didn't nurture my slave nature too much. Instead, i focused on the kids, life, school, etc etc. Well, it's about time to make priorities priorities again. Time to do a little life shifting! Master explained He was going to crack down again, which honestly, might intimidate me just a little, but ultimately i know it's what i crave. Master and i have been talking about school a lot, there are going to be changes with that as well. Also, there are going to be changes to my body.... Master and i have talked about my next piercings, so that's exciting! Also, i'm not 100% satisfied with my body yet lol. Babies are a blessing, but definitely not to your body! So, i finally found a gym in our area that offers child care in it, so i will be off to work out throughout the week there. i am dieting, and honestly that has been pretty easy. i'm dying to be a killer sexy milf and look all hott and gorgeous for Master on our wedding day!! ;)

So Master, i am ready. i am ready for You to shape me. Turn me around in the direction You want, bend me to Your will, and break me if You have to.... i want our love to grow stronger, and i am more than ready to make more changes. i love You so much!