i don't know who i am without You

i should be proud of myself i guess... but for some reason, that's not what i am feeling. So, i know i've mentioned before about the alcohol issue. Well, last night i didn't drink at all. i laid in bed, struggling with sleep. Crying into my pillow, and holding my special stuffed animal Master got for me years ago. i regretted not buying a bottle for last night many times. i think i had to experience the pain raw and real for once. i had to be exposed to the true feelings inside myself. There was no more running from the pain. i had to deal with it.

i think i have been afraid of these feelings, and honestly i know i have reason to be. It's hard. It downright sucks. And it's unsure of what happens from here. i have decided to start working out and eating better to give me something positive to do and try to help keep my mood stabilized. i started this on Wednesday, and it's been going well so hopefully i stick to it, and look sexy when Master gets off the plane!

i think i am going to send a package to Master and our son. Any ideas what to send? i mean, He's with some family, but obviously i want to throw something sexy and adorable in there. Gotta tease the man so He cant wait to get His hands on me when He gets back ;)

Ah! i am coming back into myself all ready.... i love it! :)

Goodbye to you ...

Well, i just said goodbye to my biological dad. He was in town visiting for a week, and like everyone else in my life, time has come for him to go. i cried. Like a baby. And felt stupid. i know we haven't ever really had a relationship like we should, but before he left, he told me to hang in there and that he understood. He shared a moment with me about his own life... something i never knew much about. i will hold on to that moment forever, and i will make sure he knows how special he is to me. i might be grown up now, but girls forever need their daddies. It was really special to have my dad love on me at a time when Master cant. Especially because of how we don't really have a relationship.

i knew today would be hard. i know my brain wants to go to abandonment as everyone is leaving, but my heart knows otherwise. i am planning on hanging out with my brother today, and that's always a fun and exciting time. We are actually going gun shopping! ha! And then to the mall for some other shopping.

Oh, and i have set some goals for myself while Master is gone. Since Wednesday, i started a new diet plan. i have not cheated.... not once! i just started working out today. It kicked my ass after only five minutes! i didn't realize how out of shape i was, and how far from fit i have gotten. i just imagined this image of me being at the airport waiting for Master and our son, and do i want to look like a wreck? Or look like i really genuinely missed Him and cherish what we have? i think closer to the time they will be back, i will be going shopping for a sexy little dress or something! i figured some 50's style pin up girl would be adorable :) i just see Master's face beaming and Him wrapping me in the biggest hug ever. i know it would be a cute surprise to Him!

So here's to moving forward, and trying to think positively. It's not easy, and i'm not saying i'm emotionally okay. Reality is, i'm not, but if i can take a few steps to try and change things, why not?


i cry out with no reply
and i cant feel you by my side
So i'll hold tight to what i know
You're here, and i'm never alone

PS- i love you Master!! Only about 28 more days or so *Sigh*

Another sleepless night

It is after 3:30 in the morning, and i should be asleep. i cant. It was UFC night at work, and of course, it made me miss Master bunches since that's kinda "our thing" together. i miss His smell, His comfort, His touch, His control, His love, His smile, His strong arms that hide me when He holds me, and everything else about Him!

i hate the uncertainty in everything right now. i hate that we are at this place in life that due to outside circumstances, our relationship can crumble. i hate that we have blamed each other through this, instead of clinging to each other for hope. i am upset with myself for the way i have been acting since Master has been gone. i know Master would be upset, and i want to break the patterns, but it feels like the worst kind of addictions, and i am left to fend for myself.

Since Master has left, i have had a problem with alcohol. My family members are alcoholics, and my grandmother even lost custody of all her children due to her addiction to alcohol. i can see how i am heading down the path to addiction. i also know one of Master's rules for me is i can never drink unless He is with me and grants permission. So, i know i am breaking a rule, i know there are consequences, and i know that i have predisposed genetics to possibly becoming an alcoholic, yet i cant bring myself to stop. i can not lay in our bed without sobbing, so some alcohol allows me to relax, and pass out with out the tears. i cant bring myself to come home after work because i am coming home to no Master and no baby, so i stay after work and drink a few drinks so i am in a cloudy state of mind and can go home with no problems. When i am at the house alone, i drink to cope. i don't know a different way, and i don't have anyone here to help. All i have is my family, who see nothing wrong with drinking. In fact, my mom bought me a bottle of liquor the other night! So that should tell you things.

i feel heartbroken inside. i know i am ruining things for myself, but it's because i need that control. i need to know Master is here for me, even through the distance. i need to feel it, know it, and believe it. i need to trust. i need to remember how to follow. i need to remember how to keep my opinions out of things unless asked. i need to remember this is not my body, this is not really my life, it's His. But at the same time, He is not here, He is not really in control because He's so far, and we don't even get to communicate to each other, so it's not like He can from a distance.

i wonder how disappointed Master would be if He found out. i mean, i need to tell Him. i know that. i just don't think it would help anything since He cant help. i need His love more than yesterday. i need His love more than words can say i need Him more than ever before. Yet, i cant have Him.

Tonight when i was done with work, i got offered a few shots. i don't know why, but i turned them down and came straight home. Now, i find myself unable to sleep. Craving the alcohol to put me there. i cant turn off my brain, and i cant keep my heart from aching. i sat outside tonight and looked at the stars. i wondered if Master was where He is, looking at the stars too... i remember a night we had a wonderful talk outside, underneath the stars, and it made me smile and feel Him close in my heart. i clung to that, i held onto those feelings like i never thought to be possible. i want to think of that as i drift off tonight.



They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade


How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough Cause i'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when your asleep
to hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
So tonight I drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough cause i'm never, never giving you up


As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

i'm tied together with a smile but i'm coming undone

i have come to this blog over the past few days in hopes to post, but the words have never come out right, and i have been hesitant to post my true feelings. i am afraid to be completely exposed, i am unsure about some of my feelings, and i am heartbroken over the current situation.


Due to life circumstances, Master and our son are gone with His family for the next month. Master said He wanted this to be a time i learned to be okay without Him, stand my own ground a little, and continue to hold down the home front. Well, i am failing. Miserably. Things at work are crumbling, my friendships are crumbling, i feel so distant from Master, and at home? Well, things are extremely lonely.


Thanks to the "dark gray cloud" situation, our lives became fuzzy and nothing seemed to make sense. Tension rose like crazy, and life seemed to be slipping through our fingertips. So, we did the logical thing... we fought with each other. Like crazy. Through this came hurt, mistrust, anger, frustration, and a longing to have things be the way they used to be. No matter how hard we tried to piece our lives back together, it was not happening. Neither one of us wanted things to end, so we kept working at it. Unfortunately, to no avail... so far.

So, now due to life, Master and our son are gone for the next month. i am left at home, by myself, heartbroken, and hurt. Not hurt by Master, hurt by the circumstances. Hurt that all i could do was push Him away, and now all i want is His control and love. i crave it. i want it. i need it....and i cant have it. We only get to talk once a day, maybe again right before bed depending on my work schedule, and it downright blows. When we do talk, i just start crying because i catch a glimpse of that safe haven he provides, and then i just fall apart. i hate talking on the phone, because there's really no way to sort out your thoughts, it's just a free for all whatever spills out in the moment. As soon as we hang up, i kick myself thinking of the many things i needed to say that i couldn't.


i feel so empty without His presence, and without His control. i cant live like this. i have all this freedom, and i hate it. i am drinking at night just to try and hide the pain that comes from sleeping in our bed alone. Yet, i know one of the ground rules is no drinking without Master. So why? Why cant i control myself? i am holding everything inside, because i cant trust anyone around me. My family is lame, they aren't there, and friend wise? Well, they don't get it. They would love if their men were out of town... freedom calls ya know? i guess that's just a downfall to being so young and having a family. All your friends are at different spots in their lives, and they cant relate.

i miss our son so much. It sucks every morning to not wake up to hearing him laugh and play downstairs with his daddy. It breaks my heart to only be cooking for one person, not my family. i know Master and i are still together, but it doesn't make sense. i'm craving his control, and i don't know how to function without it. So, instead of just somehow holding myself together, i'm falling apart, and spiraling into a deep, dark place that i know is not what i want. i don't know how to express this all to Master. i mean, i don't want Him to worry, and i get so caught up in the moment when we do talk, that i don't talk about what needs talked about.


i have a lot more to say, but i need to get ready for work. i just want things to be okay. i want the normal life back with Master. That is all. i want Him with me, i want our son with me, and i want to take care of my family again... not myself.

Big Gray Cloud

So, i just wanted to post that things with the big gray cloud have gone in our favor for once! Thank you God! So, we are back to functioning as a happy family after battling this crap for the past six months. Now, it's not over yet, BUT it will be shortly. i don't want to count our chickens yet, because anyone who has ever dealt with our corrupt court systems understands completely how crazy they can be. Sometimes, that means making the wrong choice. As of right now though, things have been going in our favor, and hopefully, it stays that way! :)

i just figured i would give everyone an update. Thanks for all the prayers guys!

The End? Sad possibility

i am probably the world's biggest over thinker. Seriously. Which, leads me to this post. Things have been rough. To the point of maybe no more relationship with Master rough. i am really unsure of where to start, but basically, Master and i can not seem to get back to where we were. i am unsure of what is causing this. i would love to think it's circumstances regarding the "big gray cloud situation"but now, i am beginning to think otherwise.

i guess i can, and should, only talk about the issues i am personally having, and try to fix those first....so here it goes! i am losing/have lost my willingness to serve. i am sick of trying, i am sick of failing, i am sick of it not being enough. i am tired of being tired. i am emotionally, and physically drained. i am stressed beyond belief, and unfortunately... everything is going to hell because of it. And trust me, this is not me just having a bad day, or pms.... god i wish it was just that simple!

i feel like in my heart i know my role, and i know who Master is.... in my head? it's a whole different story. i am questioning if i am a slave anymore. i mean really... maybe i have it all wrong. Maybe i was pretending to be something i simply am not. Maybe i turned to this lifestyle because i was so young and on my own (moved out at 16) and i was searching for a no bullshit relationship i could blossom in and feel secure. Maybe i really do have abandonment issues from my dad, and that's why i turned towards a Master who has a decade on me. Maybe i felt like a helpless woman(eh, girl... i still don't even feel like a woman) who could only be something with a strong, intelligent, alpha-male who had life figured out. Maybe i am stupid for believing it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and put yourself out there for someone you love. Maybe, just maybe, my mom is right... she always says "You cant depend on anyone but yourself!" But i thought she was wrong because she's been single for the past 20 years straight, and her marriage crumbled. i am slowly beginning to understand her logic. Sadly.

i am completely unsure of who i am, or what i want, because i have spent the past three years of my life shaping myself into what would please Master, and changing my thoughts as to what is sexy, beautiful, and pleasing according to His views. While i understand this, it leaves me completely vulnerable, and to the point where i feel i am nothing without Master... which then leads to problems of "not being able to hold my ground" without Him, and then, i'm"too dependent" which only causes some crazy problems in and of itself.

So, i am left entangled in a web of uncertainty, unwanted stress, a Master who feels at His limit, a "slave" (if you can call me that anymore) who is afraid to submit to a Master who is unsure if He wants to stay or go, a "big gray cloud" of a situation that is spiraling out of control, financial stress and just about to lose everything we have, oh... and sprinkle some love in there... and there you have it.

i cant sleep, i cant eat, and i don't want a life without Master. This "dark gray cloud" situation needs to end. Let's just hope we can hang on to each other long enough to make it through this.... then maybe, just maybe, we can work on everything else and get things back into place before the situation happened.

Until then, Master, just know, i love you. Just know i am giving every piece of me that i can. And just know, that while this situation is scary for you, it is for me as well. You cant even imagine some of the feelings i have towards it. Just think, the fate of my family, my life, and the dreams i wanted to make reality are in the hands of someone from Your past... that's not cool. Yet again, i am in the shadows... a no one. Now, don't think i am blaming You for this, i know it's not Your fault. So, before You go off the deep end on what i just said, please, just let it soak.



She goes about her day to day, attempting to do her duties to perfection,
She cries alone each night, and by day, work her way through the fears and self rejection.
No one knows this woman is carrying such grief,
If they would only see a glimpse of things, they would shudder in disbelief.
Her heart aches with loneliness, and her tears? She tries to disguise with pride.
Why does she continue to care what they think? It's becoming too much for her to hide.
She sits at home and pours her heart out to a man who is hurt himself, so can he really care?
He seems to not hear a word she says, looking through her as if she's not really there.
No friends to confide in, no family who has not gone astray,
Alone and broken hearted, she begins to wish she could fade away.

Home Sweet Home

i am so proud of myself! Check out this amazing loaf of bread i made all by myself this morning :) yum!!! It's quite amazing if you ask me ;) haha.


So Master and i moved on Monday (great way to celebrate the holiday actually!) We are getting situated in the new house...yes house! :) It's great to have the baby out of our room now, but he's having issues sleeping the whole night through because he's by himself now, and it's a strange room (no less filled with boxes and furniture stacked floor to ceiling!)

It's actually pretty humorous because the first night, Master and i got the baby down, and then we laid down in our bed, and guess what we did!?!? We whispered! Seriously. Habit i guess :) i started laughing to myself because it's funny how being a parent to a little one changes you.

Master and i are excited to get settled in here. It's beautiful! The landlord came by yesterday to ask us about the deck we are going to be building on the house :) I cant wait! i am really hoping this is a fresh start, a new beginning, and that soon, things will just work out and go back to normal.

i loves Him!

Lately, i have been working my butt off at work! i have been getting overtime every week for the past month now, and quite frankly, i was really beginning to miss Master and the baby. To top it all off i got asked to work on my DAY OFF yesterday, and it ended up being the worst day at work ever (of course....right? lol)

On my way home all i wanted to do was cry. i was so happy to find that Master was awake waiting for me when i got home :) It made things a lot better of course! We talked and then decided to go to bed shortly after, and spent some good snuggle time together. Then the best thing in the entire world happened ...

We had great sex, followed by Master allowing me to fall asleep with His cock still inside me. MMM! There is nothing sexier than that to me ... i mean really? It drives me crazy, it makes me feel whole, (er, full?) and there's something to be said about a man who can keep His cock hard and in my vagina until i fall asleep :) i loves Him!

Master and i had not done this since, oh years ago! Before i was pregnant at least!! It was amazing, and it made me forget about all the yucky stuff from work!


Besides that, things are going okay. We are still dealing with this "dark, gray cloud" but that situation SHOULD be over in the next two months or so *Sigh* please? Master and i are also trying to get the apartment packed up and ready to move into the house (my dad's house that we are going to rent) and that is an amazing blessing in itself because now, we will have our bedroom back and be able to be intimate, and we can go back to hot amazing screaming sex since baby wont be in our room anymore! yay to that! Bring on the intimacy!!! *giggles* i am excited about this move, but i am definitely not enjoying the packing and painting that comes with it! The new house should be great though... big back yard (fenced in no less!) enough bedrooms for everyone, a playroom for the kiddos.... oh, and not to mention the enormous living room! i am super psyched! Hopefully, everything works out and starts falling into place.

Confession time...

i have a serious confession.... i think i have been trying to deny it for quite some time, but this past week it has consumed my every thought. My confession is that..... I HAVE BABY FEVER!! i find myself longing to be pregnant again. Longing to carry Master's child, and longing to make our family bigger. Our baby is about to turn a year old, and honestly, i have been crying this past week every time i hold him and play with him because i'm realizing he is not a little baby anymore.

i finally told Master what i have been feeling in my heart. The sad thing is, right now does not seem to be the right time. In fact, i don't see it being the right time for a while. The "big gray cloud situation" needs to be over before we even think about it. i know that stress would not be good for a growing baby. i am the only one working now since Master has been laid off (stupid economy!) We are getting by, okay that's a lie, we are struggling daily to get by, everything has been closing in around us, and we find it a constant struggle to provide the important things.... so why add another baby? No less factoring in maternity leave from work, and then add on the thousand dollars for the midwife and the birth? hmm. Obviously, it's not that logical of an idea.

So how do i tell my heart that something it longs for can not happen right now? i think a lot of this is fear. Fear that when the situations work out and we are actually feeling that baby time is okay, that we will have all the conceiving issues we had before. It took me over a year to get pregnant with our son. Add in the miscarriages, the pain of failing, and a mother's heart? Yeah, it was definitely not a pleasant chapter in my life. i am also scared because i made the decision to go back on birth control... which, is probably the whole reason we had such a hard time conceiving. So now i am just really concerned about things.

What i want more than anything is to start trying for another baby. i think right now, i would be okay if i didn't get pregnant for quite a few months, but what i don't want is to wait until everything seems "perfect" and then start trying, because that is when i would really start losing it over not getting pregnant right away. i don't want to experience heartache likethat ever again.

i have always been one to follow my heart, even when things were kinda blurry and didn't always make perfect sense.... i just always trusted that by following my heart, it would always work out. And it always has. Now, i find myself unable to follow my heart due to life circumstances, and the turmoil inside of me that is following is not a pleasant feeling. i just had to get this out of me, so i could focus. It consumed my thoughts while sleeping last night.


They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

we're gonna make it after all!

Go figure. i am all ready sitting here with tears falling from my face. My heart is so heavy and broken. The big gray cloud? Well, let's just say things with that situation has taken a turn for the worst. Nothing makes sense, and it really honestly feels like Master and i didn't even get a chance. Now, we find ourselves struggling more than ever before. Everyone is saying "justice will be served" or "everything happens for a reason" or "good always prevails" and "God has a plan for this, and everything will work out all right" Master and i have wanted to believe what people are saying, but at this point all we can do is surrender everything and be at the mercy of a court who seem to only want to say F you.

Oh, how i wish i could just spill here. i wish, behind the "Secret" identity, i could just write everything out, but unfortunately, due to the nature of what is going on, i can not. i could really use the support from all of you who read this. i am so thankful for being raised in a Christian home where at least Hope and Faith have always been talked about. Right now, Master and i are so low on both. i know we need to be strong, especially for the children, but it's proving to be harder and harder

Master, i want You to know that i am here for You. i want You to know that You and i have made it through some tough times. Sure, nothing near as tough as this. Sure, nothing that ever came close to ruining our family like this has. There is nothing You and i cant walk through together. Our bond and love is too strong to crumble in a situation like this. We can make it through anything.