i feel like i am really grasping and understanding why Master wanted me to be alone and stand my ground. The weird thing is, now that i feel like i have learned this... i am craving His presence more then ever before. Just a little more than a week left!! *sigh*
i have learned that there comes a time when you have to stand alone. you have to feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams. you must be willing to make sacrifices. you must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be reached. Sometimes familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities. you need to be strong enough to at least try to make your life better. Make sure you appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunity to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life. Do not stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way!
Master, i love You so much! i miss You more than words can say. Since learning all of this during Your time away, i find myself anticipating Your return home so i can surrender it all back to You. Thank You for all You do, and i cant wait to see where we go together in life in the future.
Yours always and forever,
kitten
August 24, 2009
August 21, 2009
i did it?
i'm not really sure this is something to be all that proud of, but i kicked my room mate out today. Yep! Ya see, i knew when Master got back, that He would lay down the law and not put up with her shit, and ya know, it was tempting to not take Him up on that and just let Him be the "bad guy" Well, i decided it was time for me to do some dirty work for once. So, i talked to her today, and she did not have much to say. She still didn't even apologize about the dog, and she certainly did no talking about the money situation (go figure)
i feel really bad, but at the same time, i feel like i can breathe with out this unnecessary stress! i can breathe in, and breathe out, and know that i am doing the right thing for my family. i also know that Master will be coming home to a sanctuary :) a nice humble house (with some majorly kick ass remodeling/redecorating) and a healthy, happy slave who cant wait to have Him in this home again.
The days are creeping by, but at the same time, i feel like i don't have enough days to get all these projects finished!!! ahhhh come help me people? lol.
i feel really bad, but at the same time, i feel like i can breathe with out this unnecessary stress! i can breathe in, and breathe out, and know that i am doing the right thing for my family. i also know that Master will be coming home to a sanctuary :) a nice humble house (with some majorly kick ass remodeling/redecorating) and a healthy, happy slave who cant wait to have Him in this home again.
The days are creeping by, but at the same time, i feel like i don't have enough days to get all these projects finished!!! ahhhh come help me people? lol.
A few lessons learned on a road never traveled
It's just after 3:30 in the morning. i had a good night at work, and i am feeling good about life. i have done a lot of thinking about things, and here's what i have learned since Master has been gone.
1. i have learned that no one in this world has my best interest at heart..... except Master.
2. i have learned that one bad apple does ruin it for everyone at work.
3. i have learned that being the nice person, well, sometimes that means the wrong people walk all over you
4. i have learned that sometimes, caring so much about a "friend" only leads to heartache
5. i have learned that trying to do a mans job (aka: remodeling the house!) while He is away is not the most genius idea (sorry now Master if You come home to a mess!)
6. i have learned that miserable women who are jealous of your relationship with Your man/Master will do anything at your expense to end it because of their own misery
7. i have learned that when two people love each other, nothing can stop it from working out
8. i have learned that there are genuine nice people in the world
9. i have learned to stand for truth.... even if in the moment people don't believe you, or that it seems you are being "punished" for it by someone (aka:managers at work)
10. i have learned that nothing feels right when Master is gone
11. i have learned that the only "safe place" is my home. In these four walls, all i should find is comfort, security, and love.
12. i have learned that everything happens for a reason... and while in the moment it doesn't make sense, that one day, it all will, and i will be thankful for the experience it gave me
13. i have learned that nothing matters more to me in my life than Master and our son
14. i have learned that while Master and i are suffering through the expense of a corrupt court system, that i will not lose faith, and i will trust that good prevails over evil
15. i have learned to believe that karma can kick some mean ass!
16. i have learned to believe in standing up for what is right.... even when you are standing alone
17. i have learned that by taking a step back from a situation, it never looks as big
18. i have learned that Master's love for me, and my love for Him is unbreakable.... just look at all we have endured
So i am sure there is more, but right now, that's all i can think of. Tomorrow will be hard. i need to talk to the roomie and i need to kick her out. It's not about waiting for money anymore, that's the least of my worries, it's all about moving forward, and keeping my house a nice, calm, cozy sactuary. If someone wants to ruin that, then they can get the fuck out! You took my dog, you tried to ruin things with my man, and you've started shit at work.... i'm not going to sit back and stay nice.... i know if i do, then Master will clean house when He gets home. Well guess what? For once, i'm not going to make Him look like the "bad guy" (even though He has no problem with that) For once, i am going to take charge of my life, and my family's life. No one will come between that. It amazes me when someone tries to upset my family, how quickly i turn into the "protective momma bear!" i guess something good has come from Master being gone? *shrug*
So, since i've learned a pretty big "lesson" so to speak, Master can You come home now? *giggles* It was worth a try ;) Only 12 more days or so til He's back.... i'm going to make it, and things are going to be okay!
1. i have learned that no one in this world has my best interest at heart..... except Master.
2. i have learned that one bad apple does ruin it for everyone at work.
3. i have learned that being the nice person, well, sometimes that means the wrong people walk all over you
4. i have learned that sometimes, caring so much about a "friend" only leads to heartache
5. i have learned that trying to do a mans job (aka: remodeling the house!) while He is away is not the most genius idea (sorry now Master if You come home to a mess!)
6. i have learned that miserable women who are jealous of your relationship with Your man/Master will do anything at your expense to end it because of their own misery
7. i have learned that when two people love each other, nothing can stop it from working out
8. i have learned that there are genuine nice people in the world
9. i have learned to stand for truth.... even if in the moment people don't believe you, or that it seems you are being "punished" for it by someone (aka:managers at work)
10. i have learned that nothing feels right when Master is gone
11. i have learned that the only "safe place" is my home. In these four walls, all i should find is comfort, security, and love.
12. i have learned that everything happens for a reason... and while in the moment it doesn't make sense, that one day, it all will, and i will be thankful for the experience it gave me
13. i have learned that nothing matters more to me in my life than Master and our son
14. i have learned that while Master and i are suffering through the expense of a corrupt court system, that i will not lose faith, and i will trust that good prevails over evil
15. i have learned to believe that karma can kick some mean ass!
16. i have learned to believe in standing up for what is right.... even when you are standing alone
17. i have learned that by taking a step back from a situation, it never looks as big
18. i have learned that Master's love for me, and my love for Him is unbreakable.... just look at all we have endured
So i am sure there is more, but right now, that's all i can think of. Tomorrow will be hard. i need to talk to the roomie and i need to kick her out. It's not about waiting for money anymore, that's the least of my worries, it's all about moving forward, and keeping my house a nice, calm, cozy sactuary. If someone wants to ruin that, then they can get the fuck out! You took my dog, you tried to ruin things with my man, and you've started shit at work.... i'm not going to sit back and stay nice.... i know if i do, then Master will clean house when He gets home. Well guess what? For once, i'm not going to make Him look like the "bad guy" (even though He has no problem with that) For once, i am going to take charge of my life, and my family's life. No one will come between that. It amazes me when someone tries to upset my family, how quickly i turn into the "protective momma bear!" i guess something good has come from Master being gone? *shrug*
So, since i've learned a pretty big "lesson" so to speak, Master can You come home now? *giggles* It was worth a try ;) Only 12 more days or so til He's back.... i'm going to make it, and things are going to be okay!
August 20, 2009
Thunderstorm!
It is storming like crazy outside. i am scared, and Master's arms would be perfect right now. The end.
(wow, deep thoughts huh? ... remember, i am just walking in the door from a 12 hour shift at work)
(wow, deep thoughts huh? ... remember, i am just walking in the door from a 12 hour shift at work)
August 19, 2009
Breakdown
i feel horrible. i wish i could just talk to Master, but i am certain that after last night, i am the last person He wants to talk to. This post is going to be hard to get out, but i am going to try.
Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.
Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.
i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.
i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.
So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.
First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.
Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.
i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.
i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.
Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.
Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.
i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.
i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.
So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.
First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.
Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.
i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.
i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.
August 18, 2009
In over my head?
So, Master and i are doing much, much better!! i have been planning a bunch of surprises for Master to come home to. You know, show Him that while He was gone, all i could think about was Him! Of course, with all these things planned, i am feeling totally overwhelmed! *sigh*
Let's see, the projects i have started are:
1. Completely remodeling/decorating the living room- this is a HUGE task because our living room is three times the size of most living rooms. That was our problem with it. It was too big, and not cozy or comfortable. So, i took it upon myself to start painting, purchase a new couch, and toss up some fabulous decorations.Oh, and get some new molding to go around the top of the walls. Right now, my living room looks like a disaster zone, but hey.... i have two weeks until Master gets home!
2. Our Bedroom- i wanted to surprise Master by actually paying attention to our bedroom. The kid's rooms are beautiful, the rest of our house? Getting there. Our bedroom? Well, it's boring, plain, empty, and definitely not a spot that screams romance and intimacy for either of us. So, i have found some paint colors, new bedding, restaining the dresser, hanging up the mirror, setting up a cage in the room (shhh!! This will really surprise Master i know it!) oh, and i found some cute quotes i want to paint up on the walls about love. i hope to have the room done when Master gets home, and have some cute lingerie laying on the bed since i've been working out and all (all though, i don't feel like i have toned up quite yet.... i will get there soon!) i also wanted to create a spot to have our toys in, and have my costumes that should be hanging up in the closet back up there for some fun play when He gets home.
3. Working out- i have been working out regularly for Master since He has been gone. Now, i have no excuses, i have enough time, and i wanted to start this habit now before it's even harder later!
4. Eating healthier- this has actually come pretty easy. i have been really surprised by how healthy i am eating, but i do still crave some yummy chocolate sweets sometimes!
5. The bathroom- well, i painted up a really cute quote in our bathroom, and i changed out the hardware in there to match the remodel. i still need to get a few things for the bathroom. i need to unclog the drain (drain-o didn't work... any ideas?!?!) and i need to buy some matching decorative towels, and a bath rug to step out of the shower onto that actually matches. That's all that's left in that room
6. The playroom- this is mostly for our son. i have missed him the whole time he's been gone, and i've cried many tears! So i want to have the playroom completely finished when he gets home. Sort of a gift to him. i have the walls mostly finished, i just need to buy some stuff to furnish it with, and finish painting the lower corner of the one wall.
7. Schoolwork- This has been difficult. i'm actually failing my class, but i am working hard on my final project to hopefully bring my grade up! i know this is one that Master really wants me to focus on... so i need to get back on track!
So yeah.... these are just some of the projects i'm into right now. Ugh! i have this huge tendency to get in over my head a lot. The only difference is i don't have Master to help me ;) i have to get myself out of this mess all on my own! haha! Oh goodness! Hopefully, i can accomplish all this in the next two weeks before He gets home and freaks out! i want Him to come home to a nice, cozy, comfortable house. With everything in order, and a slave who looks sexy and happy to see Him! Not a frazzled, sleep deprived, fat slave, in a house that every room is tore up and everything out of place!
Let's see, the projects i have started are:
1. Completely remodeling/decorating the living room- this is a HUGE task because our living room is three times the size of most living rooms. That was our problem with it. It was too big, and not cozy or comfortable. So, i took it upon myself to start painting, purchase a new couch, and toss up some fabulous decorations.Oh, and get some new molding to go around the top of the walls. Right now, my living room looks like a disaster zone, but hey.... i have two weeks until Master gets home!
2. Our Bedroom- i wanted to surprise Master by actually paying attention to our bedroom. The kid's rooms are beautiful, the rest of our house? Getting there. Our bedroom? Well, it's boring, plain, empty, and definitely not a spot that screams romance and intimacy for either of us. So, i have found some paint colors, new bedding, restaining the dresser, hanging up the mirror, setting up a cage in the room (shhh!! This will really surprise Master i know it!) oh, and i found some cute quotes i want to paint up on the walls about love. i hope to have the room done when Master gets home, and have some cute lingerie laying on the bed since i've been working out and all (all though, i don't feel like i have toned up quite yet.... i will get there soon!) i also wanted to create a spot to have our toys in, and have my costumes that should be hanging up in the closet back up there for some fun play when He gets home.
3. Working out- i have been working out regularly for Master since He has been gone. Now, i have no excuses, i have enough time, and i wanted to start this habit now before it's even harder later!
4. Eating healthier- this has actually come pretty easy. i have been really surprised by how healthy i am eating, but i do still crave some yummy chocolate sweets sometimes!
5. The bathroom- well, i painted up a really cute quote in our bathroom, and i changed out the hardware in there to match the remodel. i still need to get a few things for the bathroom. i need to unclog the drain (drain-o didn't work... any ideas?!?!) and i need to buy some matching decorative towels, and a bath rug to step out of the shower onto that actually matches. That's all that's left in that room
6. The playroom- this is mostly for our son. i have missed him the whole time he's been gone, and i've cried many tears! So i want to have the playroom completely finished when he gets home. Sort of a gift to him. i have the walls mostly finished, i just need to buy some stuff to furnish it with, and finish painting the lower corner of the one wall.
7. Schoolwork- This has been difficult. i'm actually failing my class, but i am working hard on my final project to hopefully bring my grade up! i know this is one that Master really wants me to focus on... so i need to get back on track!
So yeah.... these are just some of the projects i'm into right now. Ugh! i have this huge tendency to get in over my head a lot. The only difference is i don't have Master to help me ;) i have to get myself out of this mess all on my own! haha! Oh goodness! Hopefully, i can accomplish all this in the next two weeks before He gets home and freaks out! i want Him to come home to a nice, cozy, comfortable house. With everything in order, and a slave who looks sexy and happy to see Him! Not a frazzled, sleep deprived, fat slave, in a house that every room is tore up and everything out of place!
August 16, 2009
"Just as we would not brush our Masters' hair with the same brush we use to clean the toilet, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck and serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world."
Hmmmm! i found this today and it kinda made me make that deer-in-headlight-look! This is something i definitely struggle with. i love to crack jokes, i love to be a bitch sometimes, and sometimes i can be downright mean to people. However, this made me start thinking. Maybe, just maybe, i could be nice and realize that just because i would never say those things i say to others to my Master, that when i say those things to others, i am still a reflection of my Master.
i definitely at times can have a Fuck you attitude to the world. i think this happens mostly when i'm really stressed, and really mad at something inside myself. So maybe, instead of turning it all outward, i could focus inward on what is going on. i would probably accomplish much more this way i'm sure! :) So here's to thinking before i speak....something i've never done before in my life, ha!
Hmmmm! i found this today and it kinda made me make that deer-in-headlight-look! This is something i definitely struggle with. i love to crack jokes, i love to be a bitch sometimes, and sometimes i can be downright mean to people. However, this made me start thinking. Maybe, just maybe, i could be nice and realize that just because i would never say those things i say to others to my Master, that when i say those things to others, i am still a reflection of my Master.
i definitely at times can have a Fuck you attitude to the world. i think this happens mostly when i'm really stressed, and really mad at something inside myself. So maybe, instead of turning it all outward, i could focus inward on what is going on. i would probably accomplish much more this way i'm sure! :) So here's to thinking before i speak....something i've never done before in my life, ha!
August 15, 2009
RIP my Bella-Bean
So, unfortunately, i had to take my puppy to the vet to be put down. Leaving there without my puppy was the saddest thing ever. i wanted so badly to run in there and take her back, but i also know i didn't want her to suffer, and unfortunately, i didn't have thousands of dollars to keep her alive. i cried on the phone to Master about it, and He just kept reassuring me that it was going to be okay, and that He wished He could be here for me, and that He wishes He could have been there for our little puppy :(
i am heartbroken, and it was extremely hard to sleep without her. And it sucked worse to come home to no happy go lucky little puppy prancing by the door waiting for some attention. i kept her collar, and i plan on keeping it forever. i don't think that dog could ever be replaced. She was pretty kick ass.
So my little Bella-bean.... i'll miss you and you were a kick ass dog. i'll miss you prancing around the house, i'll miss you tearing up stuff, and i'll miss you playing so well with the baby :(
Now, the house is really empty, and i leave myself wondering if there is anything else in this world that can be stripped from me right about now? i mean honestly. *sigh*
August 14, 2009
i mean really!?!
Everything in my world continues to crumble. i swear i will have nothing left here shortly. Yesterday i thought Master and i finally got somewhere. When i got to work and talked to Him briefly, i thought to myself, "Wow, it really is going to be okay." i changed my attitude to adapt this, and had a good day at work. Then, i get home, and everything unravels.
So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.
Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.
So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.
We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!
i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?
i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?
i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!
The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.
i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.
Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(
So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.
Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.
So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.
We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!
i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?
i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?
i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!
The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.
i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.
Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(
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