Home Sweet Home

i am so proud of myself! Check out this amazing loaf of bread i made all by myself this morning :) yum!!! It's quite amazing if you ask me ;) haha.


So Master and i moved on Monday (great way to celebrate the holiday actually!) We are getting situated in the new house...yes house! :) It's great to have the baby out of our room now, but he's having issues sleeping the whole night through because he's by himself now, and it's a strange room (no less filled with boxes and furniture stacked floor to ceiling!)

It's actually pretty humorous because the first night, Master and i got the baby down, and then we laid down in our bed, and guess what we did!?!? We whispered! Seriously. Habit i guess :) i started laughing to myself because it's funny how being a parent to a little one changes you.

Master and i are excited to get settled in here. It's beautiful! The landlord came by yesterday to ask us about the deck we are going to be building on the house :) I cant wait! i am really hoping this is a fresh start, a new beginning, and that soon, things will just work out and go back to normal.

i loves Him!

Lately, i have been working my butt off at work! i have been getting overtime every week for the past month now, and quite frankly, i was really beginning to miss Master and the baby. To top it all off i got asked to work on my DAY OFF yesterday, and it ended up being the worst day at work ever (of course....right? lol)

On my way home all i wanted to do was cry. i was so happy to find that Master was awake waiting for me when i got home :) It made things a lot better of course! We talked and then decided to go to bed shortly after, and spent some good snuggle time together. Then the best thing in the entire world happened ...

We had great sex, followed by Master allowing me to fall asleep with His cock still inside me. MMM! There is nothing sexier than that to me ... i mean really? It drives me crazy, it makes me feel whole, (er, full?) and there's something to be said about a man who can keep His cock hard and in my vagina until i fall asleep :) i loves Him!

Master and i had not done this since, oh years ago! Before i was pregnant at least!! It was amazing, and it made me forget about all the yucky stuff from work!


Besides that, things are going okay. We are still dealing with this "dark, gray cloud" but that situation SHOULD be over in the next two months or so *Sigh* please? Master and i are also trying to get the apartment packed up and ready to move into the house (my dad's house that we are going to rent) and that is an amazing blessing in itself because now, we will have our bedroom back and be able to be intimate, and we can go back to hot amazing screaming sex since baby wont be in our room anymore! yay to that! Bring on the intimacy!!! *giggles* i am excited about this move, but i am definitely not enjoying the packing and painting that comes with it! The new house should be great though... big back yard (fenced in no less!) enough bedrooms for everyone, a playroom for the kiddos.... oh, and not to mention the enormous living room! i am super psyched! Hopefully, everything works out and starts falling into place.

Confession time...

i have a serious confession.... i think i have been trying to deny it for quite some time, but this past week it has consumed my every thought. My confession is that..... I HAVE BABY FEVER!! i find myself longing to be pregnant again. Longing to carry Master's child, and longing to make our family bigger. Our baby is about to turn a year old, and honestly, i have been crying this past week every time i hold him and play with him because i'm realizing he is not a little baby anymore.

i finally told Master what i have been feeling in my heart. The sad thing is, right now does not seem to be the right time. In fact, i don't see it being the right time for a while. The "big gray cloud situation" needs to be over before we even think about it. i know that stress would not be good for a growing baby. i am the only one working now since Master has been laid off (stupid economy!) We are getting by, okay that's a lie, we are struggling daily to get by, everything has been closing in around us, and we find it a constant struggle to provide the important things.... so why add another baby? No less factoring in maternity leave from work, and then add on the thousand dollars for the midwife and the birth? hmm. Obviously, it's not that logical of an idea.

So how do i tell my heart that something it longs for can not happen right now? i think a lot of this is fear. Fear that when the situations work out and we are actually feeling that baby time is okay, that we will have all the conceiving issues we had before. It took me over a year to get pregnant with our son. Add in the miscarriages, the pain of failing, and a mother's heart? Yeah, it was definitely not a pleasant chapter in my life. i am also scared because i made the decision to go back on birth control... which, is probably the whole reason we had such a hard time conceiving. So now i am just really concerned about things.

What i want more than anything is to start trying for another baby. i think right now, i would be okay if i didn't get pregnant for quite a few months, but what i don't want is to wait until everything seems "perfect" and then start trying, because that is when i would really start losing it over not getting pregnant right away. i don't want to experience heartache likethat ever again.

i have always been one to follow my heart, even when things were kinda blurry and didn't always make perfect sense.... i just always trusted that by following my heart, it would always work out. And it always has. Now, i find myself unable to follow my heart due to life circumstances, and the turmoil inside of me that is following is not a pleasant feeling. i just had to get this out of me, so i could focus. It consumed my thoughts while sleeping last night.


They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

we're gonna make it after all!

Go figure. i am all ready sitting here with tears falling from my face. My heart is so heavy and broken. The big gray cloud? Well, let's just say things with that situation has taken a turn for the worst. Nothing makes sense, and it really honestly feels like Master and i didn't even get a chance. Now, we find ourselves struggling more than ever before. Everyone is saying "justice will be served" or "everything happens for a reason" or "good always prevails" and "God has a plan for this, and everything will work out all right" Master and i have wanted to believe what people are saying, but at this point all we can do is surrender everything and be at the mercy of a court who seem to only want to say F you.

Oh, how i wish i could just spill here. i wish, behind the "Secret" identity, i could just write everything out, but unfortunately, due to the nature of what is going on, i can not. i could really use the support from all of you who read this. i am so thankful for being raised in a Christian home where at least Hope and Faith have always been talked about. Right now, Master and i are so low on both. i know we need to be strong, especially for the children, but it's proving to be harder and harder

Master, i want You to know that i am here for You. i want You to know that You and i have made it through some tough times. Sure, nothing near as tough as this. Sure, nothing that ever came close to ruining our family like this has. There is nothing You and i cant walk through together. Our bond and love is too strong to crumble in a situation like this. We can make it through anything.

i am alive

So i just wanted to post real quick. i don't want you all to think i have abandoned my blog. Honestly, so much is going on right now, i can not even find the right words to say. Master and i are fine, things are just really stressful right now. Remember that dark gray cloud of a situation? Well, we are just trying to deal with that. When all of it is over, i will gladly share about it. Anyways, thanks for all the support guys! It's much appreciated!!


Oh, and check out my new babies!! :) Their names are Abby (the bigger one) and Bella (the little one) These are chaweenies!! Only the cutest dogs in the entire world ;) They love the baby, they are gentle, oh and Master (Mr. i want a big huge big manly man dog!!!) LOVES them :) He wont admit it, but He does...

Oh, and i am predicting that every man in the world is going to want a Chaweenie..... seriously. What man doesn't want a cute, small little dog to attract the ladies, AND what man can go around asking women if they want to pet his chaweenie!?!? Well guys... that's my prediction! :) lol. i will post more pictures soon!! They are soooo adorable! Thank you Master for allowing me to have such adorable dogs ;) hehe!

Fuck Valentine's Day

Just like the title says....

FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY!

Nothing went as planned, in fact, it turned into a huge fight. So yeah, i am frustrated, Master is frustrated, and the baby? well, is sick... and awake.


forget life. forget everything. seriously, why do i try so hard for it all to crumble?

Dear Body

Dear Body,

First, let me say that i'm sorry i continuously call you fat. You're not. i promise. It's not your fault i failed to see how great you truly are. You always let me know when i'm not treating you right. While sometimes, i might not like the feelings that come with that, i appreciate your honesty. It's rare these days, you know. You have your weaknesses- especially that major one that we rarely talk about with anyone- but overall, your strengths far outnumber them. Thanks for sticking with me for these past 21 years.

Hair! You rock at life. i hope you know that. You always have a way of making me feel better. Thanks for cooperating with me each and every day. You don't even know how great it makes me feel to start my day off with us working together. i'm sorry that i've practically killed you on more than one occassion with dye, straighteners,hair dryers, and Master's hands pulling you. And i'm really sorry about the time i tried to dye you red... i'll never put you through such a horrendous act again. i love being blonde. Thank you for showing me, and i'm sorry it was at your expense.

Eyes,you are gorgeous in case you were wondering! You've helped me so much throughout my life. i'm such a visual person, i would be entirely lost without you. i love it when Master can look at you and know exactly what it is i am thinking. Oh, and i'm also sorry that sometimes, i hide you with my hair. It's honestly not intentional.... it just falls there.

Nose! Thanks for allowing me to smell some wonderful things (and some not so wonderful things!) in my lifetime. Thanks for being so perfect. You're not too big, not too small, you're just right, and i love you. Thanks for being so cute and perfect.... and i'm sorry i bashed you into Master's elbow the other night... trust me, i felt your pain! i promise to talk to eyes and have them work on where we are going ok?

Hands! i owe you everything. There is no way i would be where i am in my life without your fingers guiding pens across paper the way they do. You were my ticket out of a place i felt was suffocating me. You didn't let me down. Thanks, hands. i owe you one. i'm really sorry about the knuckle cracking and nail biting business. i'm trying really hard to stop. Oh, and i'm sorry for not really ever liking you for the fact i have my "daddy's hands" ... and well, you've served me as a reminder of a man who has hurt me throughout my life by never being around... i am sorry for holding that against you. It's really not your fault.

Feet! i'm sorry i don't let too many people see you. You're pretty nice, actually. And i'm sorry i enjoy torturing you by wearing those beautiful 6 inch heels for Master's pleasure. We have been through some good times together... and some not so good times. Do you remember the time we ran away? i do. You were so tired that day. Do you remember how much trouble we got into? Yeah, that wasn't fun. Let's not do that again... No, i'm not blaming you, but let's just not do that again ok?

Arms, i'm sorry you're so sore right now. It's for a good cause, i swear! We need to work on you a little bit. Since the pregnancy, well, you're a little flabby and scrawny. Especially you, left arm. We're going to work on that though, we'll get you into shape, don't fret! i am sorry i feel bad about you sometimes, but we will get there, we will make it in time for summer. i promise! And then, i'll expose you to the world :) Deal? Oh, and wrists? i'm sorry i was so rough on you during those really hard depressing times. Thanks for not scarring, now i can move forward, and i promise i will never do anything like that again.

Mouth, oh boy do you get me in trouble sometimes with Master! ugh. Thanks for allowing me to make all those funny faces to the baby though :) Oh, and thanks for providing a tongue that was pierced for Master's pleasure a while back... i really love it! It wasn't that bad was it? Thanks for allowing me to quote Billy Madison all the time, i think Adam Sandler would be proud. Oh, and i'm sorry that sometimes, we push things to far and have to wear the gag for a while.... i will work on that.

Boobs, oh i used to love you so much, but lately? not the case. i am sorry i am so harsh on you! Honestly, i should be thanking you for providing the baby with some wonderful, and abundant supply of milk. You did great! Also, thanks for being so big... i love you for that! i know you make some other girls jealous, but hey, don't feel bad... thanks for giving me something great! Oh, and i know you endure a lot of pain for Master's sake... thanks for being so tough! And you have to admit, when He rubs you afterward, the pain disappears and it feels great right?


Legs, man i love how everyone says you're so long! You make it kind of difficult to find jeans that fit perfectly with heels, and without, but hey, we are working on that. i love you anyway. Thanks for being my most dependable means of transportation, even though i complain when i have to use you instead of the car. i know you need some toning up for summer. We will be hitting the gym here soon... so i know you will be sore for a little while, it will be worth it when i show you off in some cute dresses Master picks out for summer!

Ass! Well, thanks for taking all those spankings from Master i love so much. Oh, and that punishment with the cane? i promise i will do whatever i can to make sure that never happens again. Also, thanks for relaxing and taking Master all the way inside you. i know it was hard at first, but look how far we have come! Speaking of cum, thanks for always taking it! You do great! Oh, and i'm sorry that when we are in public, i hide you by begging Master to have His hand there... trust me, it's not because i don't like you, it's just that i love Master's hand on His property in public. It's a sweet gesture of our love and bond. It has nothing to do with you. Oh yeah, and thanks for not being hair or moley... we might have some issues then!

Stomach, i'm learning how to like you more every day. Like i said earlier, you're really not fat. i can even see fun little tones if i turn just the right way. i'm sorry i can only eat bland foods on this new diet. Just remember to savor the flavor on those once a week cheat days ;) Do you remember that time you had an ulcer? Man, that was awful. Thankfully, those drinking days are over, and i promise to treat you better. Sorry in advance, you're probably going to be mad at me soon... mouth made me eat BBQ Chicken Pizza about thirty minutes ago.Please go easy on me ok? Thanks in advance.

Well body, that's about all i have to say. i'm glad we are still friends, and i'm going to work on complimenting you more every day. In fact, i will make sure from today on, i say something nice every morning when i wake up. i'm going to treat you better, love you more, and let you know how much you mean to me. i'm really trying body,please know that! This negative body image crap has got to go. With Master's help, we can do anything... we've seen that become truth many times before. Trust me okay?

Love,
Me

P.S. i am trying to work on this whole compromising on the height thing.... well, i wish you would just grow one more inch. Please? Or else i am going to have to torture legs and feet and start wearing 7 inch heels.... it's up to you body. in the mean time, i will keep my fingers crossed!!

inside my own head

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant


my day has just begun, and i am all ready inside my own head stressing myself out. i am nervous. Since Master and i have been together, i seriously have MAYBE worked a total of 6 months. Master has been a great provider, and has allowed me to stay at home with the children and focus on school. Due to the "big gray cloud" and a dakjdgblbghbghdb of a person (That would be me wanting to use swear words but choosing not to) who is now involved in the situation, we have been barely scraping by since we have spent over $5,000.00 on legal fees and court costs to get this situation over with! (in just the last 2 months thats what we have paid!!!!) So seriously, i have been forced into getting a job to help out for right now.

i had an interview on Friday, and got hired on the spot. That made me feel good, and i was like, hmm maybe i can do this. i am going to be a waitress again, (since it's what i do best!) and it's at a sports bar/grill so i should make decent money thanks to serving alcohol. i have friends who work there, so that's always an added plus. So really, i am trying to look at the positives!!!!

i am scared because without working, i am struggling from day to day to manage the house, the children, Master's needs, and school. i cry every couple of days because it's overwhelming. The baby has stopped sleeping through the night, so i don't sleep very much and i am just drained! The house looks so gross, and when i can pick up a little, it doesn't even seem to make a dent in what needs to be done. So now somehow, i need to juggle work on top of this? i feel like i am setting myself up for failure to be honest.

i am going to be working 4-5 nights a week. So, Master will get home from work around 3:30 and i will have to go into work until late at night. Then, i will get home, probably crash, just to get up with the baby somewhere between 2-5 hours later... that's scary to me. i know myself, i know i cant function like that. i need my sleep or else i am worthless.

i have also heard the management at this place are hard to work for, expect a lot, and if its not done the way they want when they want... there's the door. i really shouldn't judge before i go in there, but i am nervous to say the least!!

Also, since money making nights are the weekends, i will be working Friday and Saturday nights. Now, that means i wont be home until 1-3 am!!! Then, i will come home and want to sleep, and the kids will be up between 4-7, so there's the issue of sleep again. Plus, even if Master does get up with them, i will be sad for missing out on some family time. i don't see us getting much, if any of it. And why? All because of this dhgdjagjdb person i am forced into working. A person i hate, a person when someone mentions their name, i just fill up with anger in 2.5 seconds. i hate the fact that this person is trying to ruin our lives, and in the end, i know karma will get her... but seriously, it's annoying to deal with... at the expense of my family? i don't think so.

i know there are thousands of moms across the world who work and take care of things, i guess the reasons i am upset is because #1, this isn't something Master and i wanted... it's something forced thanks to an annoying situation, and #2, i know myself, and i know my abilities, and right now, with the baby not really sleeping, and me not even taking care of myself, well, i cant even begin to think about adding MORE responsibilities.

Another huge thing that i am really nervous about this job is that i am afraid i will see young people my age out partying, having fun, with no cares in the world... and want that way of life back. i moved out of home at 17, fled to Michigan where i was in a D/s relationship that i knew was abusive, but it was my ticket out of home... so i went. When i got on my own up there, i joined the local scene, but downward spiraled into alcohol and partying. i am proud to say, that since meeting Master, i have never been drunk. Sure, i've enjoyed a drink here and there, but never like it was. No more hiding myself in alcohol. So i am just afraid that being around it, will make me want that life... and now that i am a mother, and have to care for others, i am really hoping it's not an issue. i know Master is here for me, but i would just hate to have to struggle with this again.

i just feel like i have a lot of pressure to do this. i have no clue how i will manage everything, and i really honestly do not see this working out (sorry, but at least i am honest) i am going to go in with a positive attitude, and really give it a try. i just don't want to let Master and the kids down.

A butterfly for remembrance

There are moments in my life when i really feel that God is looking down on me, watching out for me so to speak. There are moments when you understand why a tragedy happened, or well, can finally come to terms with what happened. As personal as this story is, i have to share it.

Master and i are getting married in July. We were having issues as far as where the ceremony should be. Master wanted woods, i wanted gardens, Master wanted outdoors, we both wanted a sunset wedding which, was proving harder and harder to come by.

Today has been a not so good day, until this! Even on the way to the location, i was pissy, and begged Master to let me call and cancel our appointment! Of course, He said no lol. (Thankfully) We got there and began the tour of the gardens. Well, every garden was beautiful, they were all too small to hold the number we needed (over 150 guests) i was feeling a little defeated! The wind was blowing the chilliest breeze, and the snow had all turned to ice, so seriously, i thought i was going to fall at any given second. We were all the way to the other side of the gardens, and i saw this beautiful garden, and it looked big enough! As we got closer my eyes began to light up, and guess what was in the backround of the garden? WOODS! So Master was getting all smiley :) Then, as we approached the garden, i saw a memorial sign. The garden name? The Kristen Jackson memorial gardens..... i immediately began to cry, and my heart started racing.

You see, Kristen was a good friend of mine. We grew up together in church, and became close friends. Kristen was there for me through a horrible event in my life (a sexual assualt...followed by an unwanted pregnancy) Here in this small town, the most excitement happens in September, just after going back to school.....The county fair (lame, yes i know but that's a small town for ya!) Well, it's such a big deal, that all the schools in our county shut down for one day, and it's considered fair day! All students get in free, and it's just a really, really fun time. i passed by Kristen throughout the day, never knowing that would be the last time i would be so blessed to have known her.

Kristen went missing for days, none of us could go to school, and at church, we just prayed, and sobbed. We knew Kristen was not the type of girl to run away, and at that point, we knew something tragic had happened. Joel Yockey was later arrested for her murder. Kristen was seen by this monster walking home, (he happened to be a near by neighbor of hers) He offered to drive her home, and she got in the car with him. From there, he raped her, murdered her, and chopped her body into several pieces, and disposed of her in a nearby swamp. Her young life over. Gone just like that.

Kristen's death ripped our whole community apart, and the impact to her friends was devastating. While Kristen was taken from our lives 7 years ago, i still think of her often. These gardens were beautiful, all most as beautiful as she was. i just cried as i realized i am going to be getting married in her garden. What a wonderful way to honor her. Also, her garden is attached to the butterfly gardens, so instead of doing bubbles or a dove release, we have decided to do a butterfly release.... to honor our marriage, and Kristen's life. my heart is overjoyed.

Kristen's death made me think why me Lord? Why did i survive my sexual assualt, and not my friend? Through speaking with her family, and our pastors, i was able to move forward with what had happened to me, by seeing that i lived. i survived, unfortunately, my friend did not. Guilt took over me, which turned to depression, then acceptance, and a vow to never be a "victim." Instead, i became a survivor, and i volunteered to teach a support group for sexually assaulted girls later on.... i did this to honor Kristen. i did this, to let other girls know, not everyone lives.

i cant even really explain how i feel.... i know this is a God thing. i know He is there. This is not fate, it's been part of the plan all along. i cherished my friendship with Kristen very much, but i honestly can not say i would be here if she had not died.... the depression from what happened to me was rotting away my spirit, slowly taking over every part of me. Through her death, i saw light. After the grieving process, i found strength, i found a way to love myself, move past the pain, and appreciate the fact that i was still alive. i knew Kristen would want me to see how fortunate i was. While i mourn the loss of my good friend, i have been able to turn a negative life situation into something positive.

i called my mom immediately from the gardens today and told her the news, and she started crying.... she got in her car, and drove over to see it. We cried and hugged, it was a moment i will remember forever. i am going to make a board and put it next to the memorial sign in the garden. i want people to know who Kristen was to me, and the special life she lived in her short time here. i want to lay some fresh flowers down privately there, probably before the wedding, and just have a moment with her. i honestly do not believe it could get any better than this.



This was the song that was played at her service... Kristen.... thanks for 14 fun years of life. i was honored to call you friend.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin


Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears


I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

i am crushed! ugh

Ok, so this is a pitty party post!!! Truthfully! i am so pissed right now! i spent a long ass time last night completing a 2,000 word essay for my final project. i was exhausted before i even started, and by the time i was done, i was whipped. So, completely without realizing it, i posted my assignment in the wrong folder online. Now, this doesn't sound like a big problem right? Wrong!

Apparantly it's school policy that if it's not submitted right, it cant count at all... nope, for nothing! So my mistake, just cost me my whole grade, and now i stand no chance at passing. Not only does my effort for that assignment go out the door, but all the time and effort i have put into this class over the past 9 weeks. What the hell? i am so angry, with myself, and the stupid school policy. It's not like i didn't complete it!

i just started crying when i read that from my proffessor. Master understands why i am upset, and feels horrible because He knows how hard i have worked in my classes. i just cant believe it's over just because of one assignment! Now i need to take the class over, and pay an extra $950! Out of pocket, i cant take it out in a loan because i failed. Ugh. This is some serious bull!!

i hope my proffessor replies back with some better news, but it's definitely not looking good whatsoever! And to think, i was going to have a good night tonight... now? ha. Forget it. i wonder why i even bother thinking i can do something. It's times like this, i really wonder.