June 26, 2009

Big Gray Cloud

So, i just wanted to post that things with the big gray cloud have gone in our favor for once! Thank you God! So, we are back to functioning as a happy family after battling this crap for the past six months. Now, it's not over yet, BUT it will be shortly. i don't want to count our chickens yet, because anyone who has ever dealt with our corrupt court systems understands completely how crazy they can be. Sometimes, that means making the wrong choice. As of right now though, things have been going in our favor, and hopefully, it stays that way! :)

i just figured i would give everyone an update. Thanks for all the prayers guys!

June 11, 2009

The End? Sad possibility

i am probably the world's biggest over thinker. Seriously. Which, leads me to this post. Things have been rough. To the point of maybe no more relationship with Master rough. i am really unsure of where to start, but basically, Master and i can not seem to get back to where we were. i am unsure of what is causing this. i would love to think it's circumstances regarding the "big gray cloud situation"but now, i am beginning to think otherwise.

i guess i can, and should, only talk about the issues i am personally having, and try to fix those first....so here it goes! i am losing/have lost my willingness to serve. i am sick of trying, i am sick of failing, i am sick of it not being enough. i am tired of being tired. i am emotionally, and physically drained. i am stressed beyond belief, and unfortunately... everything is going to hell because of it. And trust me, this is not me just having a bad day, or pms.... god i wish it was just that simple!

i feel like in my heart i know my role, and i know who Master is.... in my head? it's a whole different story. i am questioning if i am a slave anymore. i mean really... maybe i have it all wrong. Maybe i was pretending to be something i simply am not. Maybe i turned to this lifestyle because i was so young and on my own (moved out at 16) and i was searching for a no bullshit relationship i could blossom in and feel secure. Maybe i really do have abandonment issues from my dad, and that's why i turned towards a Master who has a decade on me. Maybe i felt like a helpless woman(eh, girl... i still don't even feel like a woman) who could only be something with a strong, intelligent, alpha-male who had life figured out. Maybe i am stupid for believing it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and put yourself out there for someone you love. Maybe, just maybe, my mom is right... she always says "You cant depend on anyone but yourself!" But i thought she was wrong because she's been single for the past 20 years straight, and her marriage crumbled. i am slowly beginning to understand her logic. Sadly.

i am completely unsure of who i am, or what i want, because i have spent the past three years of my life shaping myself into what would please Master, and changing my thoughts as to what is sexy, beautiful, and pleasing according to His views. While i understand this, it leaves me completely vulnerable, and to the point where i feel i am nothing without Master... which then leads to problems of "not being able to hold my ground" without Him, and then, i'm"too dependent" which only causes some crazy problems in and of itself.

So, i am left entangled in a web of uncertainty, unwanted stress, a Master who feels at His limit, a "slave" (if you can call me that anymore) who is afraid to submit to a Master who is unsure if He wants to stay or go, a "big gray cloud" of a situation that is spiraling out of control, financial stress and just about to lose everything we have, oh... and sprinkle some love in there... and there you have it.

i cant sleep, i cant eat, and i don't want a life without Master. This "dark gray cloud" situation needs to end. Let's just hope we can hang on to each other long enough to make it through this.... then maybe, just maybe, we can work on everything else and get things back into place before the situation happened.

Until then, Master, just know, i love you. Just know i am giving every piece of me that i can. And just know, that while this situation is scary for you, it is for me as well. You cant even imagine some of the feelings i have towards it. Just think, the fate of my family, my life, and the dreams i wanted to make reality are in the hands of someone from Your past... that's not cool. Yet again, i am in the shadows... a no one. Now, don't think i am blaming You for this, i know it's not Your fault. So, before You go off the deep end on what i just said, please, just let it soak.

She goes about her day to day, attempting to do her duties to perfection,
She cries alone each night, and by day, work her way through the fears and self rejection.
No one knows this woman is carrying such grief,
If they would only see a glimpse of things, they would shudder in disbelief.
Her heart aches with loneliness, and her tears? She tries to disguise with pride.
Why does she continue to care what they think? It's becoming too much for her to hide.
She sits at home and pours her heart out to a man who is hurt himself, so can he really care?
He seems to not hear a word she says, looking through her as if she's not really there.
No friends to confide in, no family who has not gone astray,
Alone and broken hearted, she begins to wish she could fade away.