Lucky to be Alive?

Today started out like any normal day. i kissed Master and my little man goodbye and headed out the door for work.

Well, on my way to work, i heard a loud nose and then heard metal scraping. i couldn't steer my car at all and was going about 50 miles per hour. i freaked out a little, but tried to remain calm as i tried to steer the car off the road ... which wasn't working too well. i was able to get my car to stop, but because i was unable to steer, i was stopped in the middle of the road. i started crying thinking i got a flat tire, and that i didn't know what the heck to do because i don't know how to change a tire!!! (That's what Master's are for, right?)

i just sobbed in my car, and this guy stops and comes to talk to me. He starts saying how lucky i am to be alive and all this other stuff. i was like, no Sir, you must be mistaking, i just have a flat tire. He laughed at me and told me to come look. No. It definitely wasn't a flat tire. The tire was fine.

Instead, my front axle and ball joint were laying on the road, and my tire was completely turned sideways. He explained to me that most people in this situation tend to crash and can be seriously hurt. All that did was make me freak out internally a little more. Lesson for every man out there:

DON'T FREAK OUT AN ALL READY FREAKED OUT PREGNANT LADY!! :)

haha.

So then i called my mom crying and freaking out, and she sent a tow truck on its way, and took care of everything for me because i just was not in the right state of mind. (pussy of me, i know!) Then the guy told me he had to leave to go to an appointment! i was like no wait! You cant just leave me here ha. Well, that's what i wanted to say, but he was off on his way :)

It was rather humiliating to just be standing on the side of the road pregnant and crying while on my phone while cars just drove by staring. What a great feeling that was! Needless to say, i was very thankful when my sister showed up and i could sit in the car with her and wait.

So the tow truck finally came, and the repair shop looked at my car first thing. i had my sister pick up Master and bring Him down to look at so He could better understand what was wrong. i just received the phone call that the car is going to cost us about $600 to replace the axle, ball joint, two new tires that were damaged, and a new alignment. Ughh. That's just what we need right now! Oh, and not to mention the tow itself was $100.

Now i am just stressing over that, and Master is trying to just reassure me, that things will work out, but i feel bad because He is wasting His precious breath telling me that (ha!). After all, i am pregnant and at a very emotional phase right now.

Oh well. Today i do feel lucky! The police officer said he gets calls about accidents that happen from things like this happening, and that i definitely had somebody looking out for me today. All i have to say is .... i guess my life is worth the $700 repair bill.... right Master? :-P

Dear Self

Dear self 5 years ago,

You've just made a really horrible choice. Interestingly enough, you will eventually find out that making choices is sort of a gamble for you: necessary at times, but not something you are particularly that good at. That whole "fork in the road" thing? It is not really like that because everything you're going to do over the next 5 years is a choice, a decision point, that will take you to where I'm at now. Every single moment you'll do something that will change the course of your future. Some of the stuff is going to go horribly wrong. On some level, you probably all ready know this; and while we both wish you would have recognized this earlier, it is now much too late. I mean, it's not going to be good; you'll end up lying to yourself, to others, become numb, and lose who you are completely.

I know you want to be something better. You have always had that goal for yourself. Well, I hate to tell you, but you will only fail yet again. Another chapter of your life will be sealed shut, and a failure stamp placed upon it. Time to pack up and start over again, this time, harder to get up than ever. You will find only yourself there to make the choice for you to either persevere or give in, and knowing that making decisions is not something you're good at, you'll probably end up choosing the wrong one and continue down a path of self destruction. Just remember, no one can ever believe in someone who does not believe in themselves first.

Now listen, here's the good news - eventually, one day, all those trials are going to get you to a place where you will feel clean. You will be worse in the sense you will be worn down because of all of it, but as long as you can recognize this now, it may help you in the long run.

Despite everything, I am grateful to you. Some of the things that will come in the next few years are joyful beyond comprehension. Know also that this is coming too. Best of luck with it all!
Love you,
5 years

It's not always daisies and whips

Sometimes i find myself caught up in measuring my worth based solely on how much hard core BDSM "playing" we do. Lately, due to the schedules and pregnancy, this has not been happening. i have found myself empty and feeling worthless. My personal view of myself is solely based on this simple calculation:

Sexy BDSM "playing" = my complete worth

Never mind me being a great mother to our child.

Never mind me working and bringing home a paycheck for us to live off of.

Never mind the cleaning and cooking i do when i get home from work or on my days off.

Never mind how i keep the financial stresses away from Master so He can be more relaxed.

Never mind all the laundry loads i wash and fold during a single week.

Never mind being the family schedule juggler to make sure everything is ready and works out just fine.

Never mind Master reassuring me 1,000 times how pleased He is with me.

Nope. None of that matters. That's just mundane stuff, and who cares?

i have a personal hang up on the way i am viewed as worthy to my Master. i need to fix this. i see how it can negatively affect our relationship. i wish it could be the fantasy world, where Master has me in a dark room, and i am left there just to my thoughts, with only the silence there to comfort me, until Master appears and decides He needs to use me for His pleasure. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Reality is that there are things needing my attention that are not so fun, not so sexy, and not so calm.

Someone asked me recently why i don't feel like me being a great mother is showing Master how much i value Him, love Him, and cherish the family He so graciously allowed me to have. My simple answer is this:

It's a mother's duty (vanilla or not) to take care of her children. To nurture them, love them, provide for them, guide them, and teach them to the best of her abilities. So what, or how, am i giving something to Master that is of worth if every mother/wife in this world does (or should be doing!) it?

i know Master is proud of how i nurture and parent. i know Master is proud of my holistic views. i know Master is proud of how i am such an advocate for home birth, breastfeeding, and not vaccinating. i know He is proud of most things i do. i know Master trusts me 100% with our kid's lives.

i guess i just don't hold any value in that, because every husband should be proud of their wife for her views... or why the hell are they together?

i would be so much more fulfilled if Master was able to brag about my amazing slave abilities. i was thinking while laying down in bed last night, what do i do within the pleasure spectrum of BDSM for Master that i know makes Him proud? i promise you i had that whole "deer caught in the headlights" look on my face. i couldn't think of a single thing.

i am sure there are some things, hell at least one thing. So why am i somehow lacking the ability to see it? How is my attitude towards slavery right now, affecting the way i serve Master? i am certain it pokes its little head through.

Oh, i know i used to take His cock deep in my ass. That was years ago. Oh, i know i used to have Master just fuck my throat and make a hot slobbery mess of my face... but that was months ago. i know i used to take all the pain Master could dish out, all while begging for more (including the time He broke a cane over my ass!) ... but yet again, that was a while ago.

i understand i am pregnant. i understand this means limits on what we do. So why can i not accept that and believe that whips and chains aren't necessary?

All through today, i have been making myself more aware of the mental aspect instead of moping about the physical aspect. It must be helping, because Master has noticed. i feel closer to Him today than i have felt in a while, and i honestly cant wait to get upstairs... snuggled up in our nice cozy bed and just worship Master's body tonight... yum!

Who get's sick at the end of April?!?!

Seriously? Who does? Obviously i do, and i feel miserable :( ugh!!! Not to mention, since i'm pregnant, i do not take anything, soooo i am just riding the wave, and complaining to Master every chance i get ;) ha!

Hopefully, when i feel better, Master and i can get back on the crazy sex bandwagon ... and hopefully, that will leave me with so much to write about ;)

Absence Much?

So i realize i have been gone from this blog. Life at home needed me much more than the internet, so that's where i have been! The big gray cloud situation is over, and while it didn't turn out quite like Master and i would have liked, we are very happy to just know it's over, and we can begin to move on with our lives. It's a little scary, a little intimidating, and sad to try to move on from this. We have each other's support, and that's all that matters.

Oh, and i am 25 weeks pregnant with another baby :) And here comes a baby girl! i have been feeling great, and just trying not to stress about the changes that are going to take place.

Master is doing really well. He is a busy man training Martial Arts, and preparing for a job change which i don't know if i should mention quite yet or not.

So there is a brief rundown. Very brief, but oh well.

i will be back on the blogging bandwagon... and i will stick around this time ;)

Trust me, there is so much to write about!