September 11, 2009

Woah Life is Changing!

All right guys! So things have been weird. First of all, i got a new job :) i will be a nanny again! And the cool thing is this family is super laid back, and the kids are adorable! The parents told me their kids don't open up easily, yet, as soon as i met them, they chatted me up, and then the one hugged me before i left! It was cute :)

So what about working at the bar? Well, the goal is to continue working there as well as nanny. Of course, if i hit burn out mode, the bar will be the job to go. i just think this could be a job for a while to get back ahead and back in control of finances. it will be nice to make a set paycheck each week, and some extra cash on the nights i close the bar. i am feeling really good about this all!

Also, the one thing that makes me nervous is i am still in school full time. So i just really need to stay organized and focus as two jobs, a baby, being a slave, and school is quite the load!

So what about Master? Well, Master is going to be staying at home with the baby while i work. We are anti- day care, and we have made whatever sacrifices necessary to keep one of us at home with him at all times. At night, when i get home (and the nights i don't work at the bar) Master will be training martial arts full time, and eventually opening His own gym. This will take about hmm, 6 months to a year.

Now what about future kids? Well..... here's the cool thing. Master and i have talked and we want to have more children when he is working at His own gym. This way, i don't worry about maternity leave and force myself to be back after 12 weeks! Not the plan i want whatsoever!

So these are the changes that have happened this week! i am so excited and love this new beginning. The only task i have to do before work on Monday is start car shopping!! Tehehe. i have never been one for changes, but i know this is what our family has to do. For some reason, this time around, i'm not feeling all uneasy.

September 6, 2009

i am willing yet i'm so afraid

i just can not understand why i have these big huge fears when it comes to submitting again. i mean, i did it before, and it was pure bliss.... so why the fear now? *shrug* All i know is it is causing some not-so-good-waves between Master and i.

All i want is for Master to be pleased. i want Him to be happy, i want to see that look in His eyes again. You know, the look where i feel like i'm not about to be replaced because well, i just suck. *shrug* Yet, some where along the way, i have lost sight of how to do this or when i am feeling extremely playful and ready to go, Master is not, and of course when Master wants to be pleased, i am about to pass out from being tired or just worked a double or whatever... so of course, my attitude is not where it should be.

i will be the first to admit i am beginning to lose faith in the whole d/s dynamic relationship stuff. i don't get how two people can want this so bad, yet not be able to make it work. Maybe it's from all the past hurt we have dished out on the other, maybe it's because we are just not compatible anymore like we were in the beginning. Who knows. All i know is i want to take that next step, but i cant get myself there. i know my heart wants to do it, but my head keeps running all these things through it as to what can go wrong, or how i will do fine for a few days, then things will go back to the "old way" and then i just gave Master a false hope. i hate that. i hate how it makes Him feel. i really do, and when i see it, it makes me shut down a little more. i am so afraid that eventually, i will stop trying to open up ... just shut down and stay that way.

i know this has been a bit of a big ramble, but i have to go work a double today... and i'm running a little late! Master just know i love You, and i want things to be better... i just don't know how to take that plunge anymore.

September 4, 2009

Life is rough when you're sick!

Since Master has been home, i have been sick on and off. i know this mostly has to do with my allergies, but yesterday i was throwing up and just in so much pain it didn't make any sense. i had to work yesterday, but they sent me home, so now i am stressing about money and my job. *sigh* i feel much better today, but i am in severe pain in my lower back and it is shooting down my legs. i don't understand how i can be in this much pain.

Master massaged my back last night which felt wonderful :) Hopefully, today is the last day of being sick, and tonight maybe we have some play time ;)

August 31, 2009

Mind blowing reconnecting sex!

Last night after the baby went to bed, Master told me to get my slave shoes on and some cute stockings. i came down the stairs and we talked for a while about some much needed stuff that needed to get out in the open. It was a little awkward for both of us as we both tried our past to change past behaviors of just getting upset and fueling a big fire. Instead, we both shared feelings, listened to each others thoughts/fears, apologized and moved forward. This in itself was a wonderful feat towards a better future between Master and i.

After all that, we both thought maybe, the other was too tired to do anything physical. i can not recall exactly what started the physical touches that lead to the next level but whatever it was phenomenal. All i remember was taking Master deep in my throat and gagging (and not caring!) as i massaged His balls. i also remember feeling Master taste me and allow me some serious pleasure down there that is usually quite the special treat. Master began whispering "go deeper kitten" in my ear. i quickly responded by allowing myself to let go completely and head to the deepest part of sub space. i remember feeling Master push against my asshole. i wanted Him in all my holes so bad. i craved Him in my asshole. He started pushing it in, and i was grinding back on Him trying to take Him all the way in. i have never felt Master that deep inside my asshole before. He started pounding into me as i was rubbing my clit begging for His cum inside me. i wanted to feel full. Master decided we would cum together, and when He commanded me to cum, i started squirting!! i was so shocked by this that i started yelling "i'm squirting!!" (Now, i find it kind of funny) As i was squirting, all i could feel was Master filling me up with His cum. Master then pulled out, came up by my face, held me, and told me it was okay to come down... that He was right here waiting for me. Usually, it takes me a little while to come back down, but this time, i came down pretty fast. i snuggled into Master and we laughed about the whole experience.... how intense it was, and how we both really, really, really, really needed that!

We snuggled with each other for a while then headed on up to bed. All i remember after that was curling up in His arms and passing out. Last night was the perfect night to let me know that everything is going to be okay. After last night, i remembered why i fell in love with Master in the first place. i am more than ready to surrender, and He is more than ready to lead me where i need to go. i cant wait to see what happens next..... i will post more later but have to go to work!

August 30, 2009

Master is home!

Master and our son are back home. It's been a great to be able to be a family again. Unfortunately, i am super sick between allergies and some crazy random flu like symptoms. i have been sleeping on and off all day today *sigh* Not quite the first day back we were hoping for of course!

Hopefully tonight when the baby goes to sleep, Master and i can get some quality time in to well... fuck like crazy! Hopefully, i am feeling better by then. i know i am soaking wet, and i noticed He was hard as hell this morning ;) now, we just need to do it!

So here's to hot-welcome-back-home-sex-mixed-with-the-flu-and-allergies!! Sounds sexy huh? i know you're jealous!

August 28, 2009

These final moments

So where's the redone living room picture at? ha! Well ya see, it's still not done!! All though, it's looking so cute and i am really happy i started this hell-of-a-project! tehehe. i thought about posting a picture of it now, but i figured i would just wait until i am completely finished!

Master will be getting on the plane in a little over 12 hours to be on His way home! i am excited beyond any words i can spit out. i have cried a few times today because it's finally starting to sink in. This is my last night a-l-o-n-e!!

So i have been painting and cleaning all day, i have to work a 12 hour shift here soon, then i have the ex-room mate moving all her stuff out, then i have to get a shower and look all cute, then i'm off to the airport to pick up Master. Unfortunately, i have to work tomorrow, so i will only have a few hours with Him and our son :( but then i work Sunday, and off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday... so it shouldn't be all that bad! Lots of family time then! i just hope the adjustment back home is smooth for Master and our son. i have missed them bunches!

August 27, 2009


Here is a picture of the cozy and comfortable living room? i think not!! i have to get busy on finishing all this up because i work tonight and tomorrow, and Saturday morning the plane lands.... so today is all i have left!! eek!

Where is my fairy god-mother at?!?!?!?!

i will post a (hopefully) much better picture today after i get everything looking nice and finished!!

August 26, 2009

Ut oh!

i talked to Master today on the phone for a while. i am super excited to say this ... Master will be home on SATURDAY!!! Yay! Only three more days! And the super duper cool part is that i requested Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off from work, so i will have some time off to spend with them! (all though i have to work Sat and Sun!)

i am picking Master up at the airport Saturday around noon.... i can not wait! i am super excited! i cant wait to smell Him, love on Him, and just feel His arms around me tight in that big bear-like hug that i really, really, really have missed this past month.

So, now do you guys want to know why i put the title as ut-oh?!?!?! Well, i got this genius idea to redo the entire living room while Master is away. Why? Because, well, i wanted Him to come home to it looking nice and new! Ya know, i wanted Him to feel like i was thinking of Him and His tastes even though He was not home. i want Him to come home to something comfortable and cozy :)

So here's to the next few days of chaos until i go to the airport and pick Him up :) i am super excited!! Just two more days!

August 25, 2009

Breakdown 101

Last night, i had a breakdown. i am trying to get to the root of everything, and sort out everything, but when i do, i just get more confused and feel less and less of a person. i cant explain what goes on in my head, and i know if i cant communicate that to Master, then how can i expect Him to help?

i don't know exactly what started me off in the wrong direction yesterday. i couldn't sleep Sunday night, so it was hard waking up for work yesterday morning. i also woke up to my lovely time of the month ... so i know that explains some of the yucky-ness feelings. i also had a bad day at work because i got stung by a bee, and got degreaser chemical splashed in my eyes. i also know i am not handling Master and our son being gone anymore. i feel like it's been long enough, and honestly, i am just downright sick of being alone. i failed my class in school that i needed to pass, so now i need to come up with $1,500.00 to retake the class. On top of it all, we have to go back to court for the "big gray cloud situation" here soon, and my stomach gets tied up in knots just thinking about the situation.

So, last night Master calls and we start arguing over getting money to Him. i guess before He left, we just thought it would be a simple process... send it in the mail. Well, it's taking too long to send it to Him normally, but it's expensive as hell to send money to Him overnight/priority mail, and it's annoying on top of that. So Master is getting frustrated on the phone because of things, and i'm getting frustrated because well, because He is. He felt i wasn't putting Him and our son as a priority, and i felt like no matter would i could give or do, it wasn't enough for Him.

Not to mention we were fighting on the phone and i was in front of my mom, which my mom hates Master as it is, so that just fueled everything. Of course, then my mom was yelling at me, so now i have Master frustrated in one ear, and my mom yelling and throwing her crap on me in my other ear. i couldn't take it. i got money to Master, and then Master was relieved and felt everything was okay. Everything was not okay.

i begged my mom to take me home, and when we were in my driveway, i said "i'm sorry you got stressed out by my situation, thanks for running me to get Him some money, i appreciate it, and He appreciates it!" and she said nothing. Just sat there. Seriously? So, i got out of the car and was like, "or not!" (maybe not the smartest thing to say) She then starts screaming and yelling and causing a scene in my driveway, to which in the middle of her ramblings that i was trying to ignore she said "don't call me for anything! You cant have the car ever again, don't call me to take you to or from work, and don't bother me anymore! you have a stupid relationship and the only thing good that came out of it was your son, but you are just going to mess him up!" Wow. Hurtful. Thanks for the support mom!

i understand she said that all in the moment, but still. She means what she says. my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship, and have never been all that close. She is never really supportive of anything i do, and i've learned what she says to my face, is never what she says to the rest of the family about me. i cant trust her, and i was surprised she made it this far into Master's being gone before she finally blew up on me and pounced on me since i didn't have Master there to back me up.

So, Master is a thousand miles away, and everything is fine in His world because i got the money situation taken care of, but little did He know things here were not okay. Then, i get on the phone with Him and i try to keep everything off of Him, but of course, i just start crying and telling Him nothing is okay. i just remember saying come home!! Is life there that good with out me that You don't want to be here with me? i don't understand.

i know i was a wreck, and i know Master probably really does not want to come back to hell here. i just feel like He's abandoned me, or that He doesn't care. He kept trying to calm me down and tell me i would be seeing Him in about a week. A week is one week too long. i needed Him last night, and He couldn't be there.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. i mean, He was there over the phone trying to calm me down, trying to reassure me about everything, but i was such a wreck, that i needed Him physically. i cant explain it really. When i have really bad breakdowns, i go to a scary space. The best way i can explain it is like this:

It's like going to sub-space; except it's not a happy-endorphine filled space. It's all negative, it's scary, and it's dark. i lose all control of myself, i go so deep i don't remember what i'm doing in the moment, and sometimes, i see things. Scary things. In the moment, i tend to hurt myself, i start throwing up, and i cant breathe.

Master knows how to help me in these moments. Yet, last night, He couldn't be there to help me. i was left to my own defences, and that just made me panic even more because i didn't feel safe in the breadown. All i needed/wanted was to lay in His arms and pass out. i couldn't communicate to Master what i needed because what i needed, couldn't happen. Finally Master went to bed and got off the phone. i just curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor (i was throwing up) and just sobbed until i eventually passed out.....4 hours after He went to sleep.

Now, i know people before have expressed needing help for all this. i agree. When i reached out before to a counseling place, they seemed really helpful and things were fine. The only thing was though, is they just tried to drug me up on a shit ton of powerful mood stabilizers. i begged Master not to make me take them, but He felt helpless and said to just try. i felt horrible on all that stuff, and Master and i realized meds were not the answer. We even tried other kinds and still nothing felt okay. On top of the med issue, they reported me to Children's Services and i'm sorry, if you want to see "psycho" take my kids away from me. Nothing, and no one will come between me and my family.... so i said what they wanted to hear, and put on the fake side, and of course, the investigation was all closed. i never went back to that place again. i feel like if i am honest, then boom! my kids will be taken away because i'm "psycho" or something crazy like that...even though all i am trying to do is get help and be better for my family. So, i have shut up about the whole thing.

So, i am left to only being able to be honest to Master about everything. Which means, i depend on Him when it comes to my emotional state much more then the average person does to their partner. The breakdowns are not all that frequent, so i guess in mine and His minds it's "worth" the hell to keep plowing through. *shrug* They happen less then once a month usually, and sometimes i will go months with out one. It really depends on the situation and all.

So yeah, there you go guys, i hope this helps, and i hope it gives more understanding into things. i know someone left a comment about finding the root of the issues that lead to the breakdowns, and i plan on posting on that tonight or tomorrow. It's just this is long enough as it is!

August 24, 2009

This sums it up!

i feel like i am really grasping and understanding why Master wanted me to be alone and stand my ground. The weird thing is, now that i feel like i have learned this... i am craving His presence more then ever before. Just a little more than a week left!! *sigh*

i have learned that there comes a time when you have to stand alone. you have to feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams. you must be willing to make sacrifices. you must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be reached. Sometimes familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities. you need to be strong enough to at least try to make your life better. Make sure you appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunity to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life. Do not stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way!

Master, i love You so much! i miss You more than words can say. Since learning all of this during Your time away, i find myself anticipating Your return home so i can surrender it all back to You. Thank You for all You do, and i cant wait to see where we go together in life in the future.

Yours always and forever,

August 21, 2009

i did it?

i'm not really sure this is something to be all that proud of, but i kicked my room mate out today. Yep! Ya see, i knew when Master got back, that He would lay down the law and not put up with her shit, and ya know, it was tempting to not take Him up on that and just let Him be the "bad guy" Well, i decided it was time for me to do some dirty work for once. So, i talked to her today, and she did not have much to say. She still didn't even apologize about the dog, and she certainly did no talking about the money situation (go figure)

i feel really bad, but at the same time, i feel like i can breathe with out this unnecessary stress! i can breathe in, and breathe out, and know that i am doing the right thing for my family. i also know that Master will be coming home to a sanctuary :) a nice humble house (with some majorly kick ass remodeling/redecorating) and a healthy, happy slave who cant wait to have Him in this home again.

The days are creeping by, but at the same time, i feel like i don't have enough days to get all these projects finished!!! ahhhh come help me people? lol.

A few lessons learned on a road never traveled

It's just after 3:30 in the morning. i had a good night at work, and i am feeling good about life. i have done a lot of thinking about things, and here's what i have learned since Master has been gone.

1. i have learned that no one in this world has my best interest at heart..... except Master.

2. i have learned that one bad apple does ruin it for everyone at work.

3. i have learned that being the nice person, well, sometimes that means the wrong people walk all over you

4. i have learned that sometimes, caring so much about a "friend" only leads to heartache

5. i have learned that trying to do a mans job (aka: remodeling the house!) while He is away is not the most genius idea (sorry now Master if You come home to a mess!)

6. i have learned that miserable women who are jealous of your relationship with Your man/Master will do anything at your expense to end it because of their own misery

7. i have learned that when two people love each other, nothing can stop it from working out

8. i have learned that there are genuine nice people in the world

9. i have learned to stand for truth.... even if in the moment people don't believe you, or that it seems you are being "punished" for it by someone (aka:managers at work)

10. i have learned that nothing feels right when Master is gone

11. i have learned that the only "safe place" is my home. In these four walls, all i should find is comfort, security, and love.

12. i have learned that everything happens for a reason... and while in the moment it doesn't make sense, that one day, it all will, and i will be thankful for the experience it gave me

13. i have learned that nothing matters more to me in my life than Master and our son

14. i have learned that while Master and i are suffering through the expense of a corrupt court system, that i will not lose faith, and i will trust that good prevails over evil

15. i have learned to believe that karma can kick some mean ass!

16. i have learned to believe in standing up for what is right.... even when you are standing alone

17. i have learned that by taking a step back from a situation, it never looks as big

18. i have learned that Master's love for me, and my love for Him is unbreakable.... just look at all we have endured

So i am sure there is more, but right now, that's all i can think of. Tomorrow will be hard. i need to talk to the roomie and i need to kick her out. It's not about waiting for money anymore, that's the least of my worries, it's all about moving forward, and keeping my house a nice, calm, cozy sactuary. If someone wants to ruin that, then they can get the fuck out! You took my dog, you tried to ruin things with my man, and you've started shit at work.... i'm not going to sit back and stay nice.... i know if i do, then Master will clean house when He gets home. Well guess what? For once, i'm not going to make Him look like the "bad guy" (even though He has no problem with that) For once, i am going to take charge of my life, and my family's life. No one will come between that. It amazes me when someone tries to upset my family, how quickly i turn into the "protective momma bear!" i guess something good has come from Master being gone? *shrug*

So, since i've learned a pretty big "lesson" so to speak, Master can You come home now? *giggles* It was worth a try ;) Only 12 more days or so til He's back.... i'm going to make it, and things are going to be okay!

August 20, 2009


It is storming like crazy outside. i am scared, and Master's arms would be perfect right now. The end.

(wow, deep thoughts huh? ... remember, i am just walking in the door from a 12 hour shift at work)

August 19, 2009


i feel horrible. i wish i could just talk to Master, but i am certain that after last night, i am the last person He wants to talk to. This post is going to be hard to get out, but i am going to try.

Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.

Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.

i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.

i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.

So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.

First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.

Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.

i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.

i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.

August 18, 2009

In over my head?

So, Master and i are doing much, much better!! i have been planning a bunch of surprises for Master to come home to. You know, show Him that while He was gone, all i could think about was Him! Of course, with all these things planned, i am feeling totally overwhelmed! *sigh*

Let's see, the projects i have started are:

1. Completely remodeling/decorating the living room- this is a HUGE task because our living room is three times the size of most living rooms. That was our problem with it. It was too big, and not cozy or comfortable. So, i took it upon myself to start painting, purchase a new couch, and toss up some fabulous decorations.Oh, and get some new molding to go around the top of the walls. Right now, my living room looks like a disaster zone, but hey.... i have two weeks until Master gets home!

2. Our Bedroom- i wanted to surprise Master by actually paying attention to our bedroom. The kid's rooms are beautiful, the rest of our house? Getting there. Our bedroom? Well, it's boring, plain, empty, and definitely not a spot that screams romance and intimacy for either of us. So, i have found some paint colors, new bedding, restaining the dresser, hanging up the mirror, setting up a cage in the room (shhh!! This will really surprise Master i know it!) oh, and i found some cute quotes i want to paint up on the walls about love. i hope to have the room done when Master gets home, and have some cute lingerie laying on the bed since i've been working out and all (all though, i don't feel like i have toned up quite yet.... i will get there soon!) i also wanted to create a spot to have our toys in, and have my costumes that should be hanging up in the closet back up there for some fun play when He gets home.

3. Working out- i have been working out regularly for Master since He has been gone. Now, i have no excuses, i have enough time, and i wanted to start this habit now before it's even harder later!

4. Eating healthier- this has actually come pretty easy. i have been really surprised by how healthy i am eating, but i do still crave some yummy chocolate sweets sometimes!

5. The bathroom- well, i painted up a really cute quote in our bathroom, and i changed out the hardware in there to match the remodel. i still need to get a few things for the bathroom. i need to unclog the drain (drain-o didn't work... any ideas?!?!) and i need to buy some matching decorative towels, and a bath rug to step out of the shower onto that actually matches. That's all that's left in that room

6. The playroom- this is mostly for our son. i have missed him the whole time he's been gone, and i've cried many tears! So i want to have the playroom completely finished when he gets home. Sort of a gift to him. i have the walls mostly finished, i just need to buy some stuff to furnish it with, and finish painting the lower corner of the one wall.

7. Schoolwork- This has been difficult. i'm actually failing my class, but i am working hard on my final project to hopefully bring my grade up! i know this is one that Master really wants me to focus on... so i need to get back on track!

So yeah.... these are just some of the projects i'm into right now. Ugh! i have this huge tendency to get in over my head a lot. The only difference is i don't have Master to help me ;) i have to get myself out of this mess all on my own! haha! Oh goodness! Hopefully, i can accomplish all this in the next two weeks before He gets home and freaks out! i want Him to come home to a nice, cozy, comfortable house. With everything in order, and a slave who looks sexy and happy to see Him! Not a frazzled, sleep deprived, fat slave, in a house that every room is tore up and everything out of place!

August 16, 2009

"Just as we would not brush our Masters' hair with the same brush we use to clean the toilet, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck and serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world."

Hmmmm! i found this today and it kinda made me make that deer-in-headlight-look! This is something i definitely struggle with. i love to crack jokes, i love to be a bitch sometimes, and sometimes i can be downright mean to people. However, this made me start thinking. Maybe, just maybe, i could be nice and realize that just because i would never say those things i say to others to my Master, that when i say those things to others, i am still a reflection of my Master.

i definitely at times can have a Fuck you attitude to the world. i think this happens mostly when i'm really stressed, and really mad at something inside myself. So maybe, instead of turning it all outward, i could focus inward on what is going on. i would probably accomplish much more this way i'm sure! :) So here's to thinking before i speak....something i've never done before in my life, ha!

August 15, 2009

i miss Him

Oh this seems like such a lullaby while Master is gone...... oh how i miss Him!

RIP my Bella-Bean

So, unfortunately, i had to take my puppy to the vet to be put down. Leaving there without my puppy was the saddest thing ever. i wanted so badly to run in there and take her back, but i also know i didn't want her to suffer, and unfortunately, i didn't have thousands of dollars to keep her alive. i cried on the phone to Master about it, and He just kept reassuring me that it was going to be okay, and that He wished He could be here for me, and that He wishes He could have been there for our little puppy :(

i am heartbroken, and it was extremely hard to sleep without her. And it sucked worse to come home to no happy go lucky little puppy prancing by the door waiting for some attention. i kept her collar, and i plan on keeping it forever. i don't think that dog could ever be replaced. She was pretty kick ass.

So my little Bella-bean.... i'll miss you and you were a kick ass dog. i'll miss you prancing around the house, i'll miss you tearing up stuff, and i'll miss you playing so well with the baby :(

Now, the house is really empty, and i leave myself wondering if there is anything else in this world that can be stripped from me right about now? i mean honestly. *sigh*

August 14, 2009

i mean really!?!

Everything in my world continues to crumble. i swear i will have nothing left here shortly. Yesterday i thought Master and i finally got somewhere. When i got to work and talked to Him briefly, i thought to myself, "Wow, it really is going to be okay." i changed my attitude to adapt this, and had a good day at work. Then, i get home, and everything unravels.

So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.

Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.

So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.

We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!

i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?

i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?

i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!

The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.

i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.

Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(

August 10, 2009

i don't know who i am without You

i should be proud of myself i guess... but for some reason, that's not what i am feeling. So, i know i've mentioned before about the alcohol issue. Well, last night i didn't drink at all. i laid in bed, struggling with sleep. Crying into my pillow, and holding my special stuffed animal Master got for me years ago. i regretted not buying a bottle for last night many times. i think i had to experience the pain raw and real for once. i had to be exposed to the true feelings inside myself. There was no more running from the pain. i had to deal with it.

i think i have been afraid of these feelings, and honestly i know i have reason to be. It's hard. It downright sucks. And it's unsure of what happens from here. i have decided to start working out and eating better to give me something positive to do and try to help keep my mood stabilized. i started this on Wednesday, and it's been going well so hopefully i stick to it, and look sexy when Master gets off the plane!

i think i am going to send a package to Master and our son. Any ideas what to send? i mean, He's with some family, but obviously i want to throw something sexy and adorable in there. Gotta tease the man so He cant wait to get His hands on me when He gets back ;)

Ah! i am coming back into myself all ready.... i love it! :)

August 9, 2009

Goodbye to you ...

Well, i just said goodbye to my biological dad. He was in town visiting for a week, and like everyone else in my life, time has come for him to go. i cried. Like a baby. And felt stupid. i know we haven't ever really had a relationship like we should, but before he left, he told me to hang in there and that he understood. He shared a moment with me about his own life... something i never knew much about. i will hold on to that moment forever, and i will make sure he knows how special he is to me. i might be grown up now, but girls forever need their daddies. It was really special to have my dad love on me at a time when Master cant. Especially because of how we don't really have a relationship.

i knew today would be hard. i know my brain wants to go to abandonment as everyone is leaving, but my heart knows otherwise. i am planning on hanging out with my brother today, and that's always a fun and exciting time. We are actually going gun shopping! ha! And then to the mall for some other shopping.

Oh, and i have set some goals for myself while Master is gone. Since Wednesday, i started a new diet plan. i have not cheated.... not once! i just started working out today. It kicked my ass after only five minutes! i didn't realize how out of shape i was, and how far from fit i have gotten. i just imagined this image of me being at the airport waiting for Master and our son, and do i want to look like a wreck? Or look like i really genuinely missed Him and cherish what we have? i think closer to the time they will be back, i will be going shopping for a sexy little dress or something! i figured some 50's style pin up girl would be adorable :) i just see Master's face beaming and Him wrapping me in the biggest hug ever. i know it would be a cute surprise to Him!

So here's to moving forward, and trying to think positively. It's not easy, and i'm not saying i'm emotionally okay. Reality is, i'm not, but if i can take a few steps to try and change things, why not?

i cry out with no reply
and i cant feel you by my side
So i'll hold tight to what i know
You're here, and i'm never alone

PS- i love you Master!! Only about 28 more days or so *Sigh*

Another sleepless night

It is after 3:30 in the morning, and i should be asleep. i cant. It was UFC night at work, and of course, it made me miss Master bunches since that's kinda "our thing" together. i miss His smell, His comfort, His touch, His control, His love, His smile, His strong arms that hide me when He holds me, and everything else about Him!

i hate the uncertainty in everything right now. i hate that we are at this place in life that due to outside circumstances, our relationship can crumble. i hate that we have blamed each other through this, instead of clinging to each other for hope. i am upset with myself for the way i have been acting since Master has been gone. i know Master would be upset, and i want to break the patterns, but it feels like the worst kind of addictions, and i am left to fend for myself.

Since Master has left, i have had a problem with alcohol. My family members are alcoholics, and my grandmother even lost custody of all her children due to her addiction to alcohol. i can see how i am heading down the path to addiction. i also know one of Master's rules for me is i can never drink unless He is with me and grants permission. So, i know i am breaking a rule, i know there are consequences, and i know that i have predisposed genetics to possibly becoming an alcoholic, yet i cant bring myself to stop. i can not lay in our bed without sobbing, so some alcohol allows me to relax, and pass out with out the tears. i cant bring myself to come home after work because i am coming home to no Master and no baby, so i stay after work and drink a few drinks so i am in a cloudy state of mind and can go home with no problems. When i am at the house alone, i drink to cope. i don't know a different way, and i don't have anyone here to help. All i have is my family, who see nothing wrong with drinking. In fact, my mom bought me a bottle of liquor the other night! So that should tell you things.

i feel heartbroken inside. i know i am ruining things for myself, but it's because i need that control. i need to know Master is here for me, even through the distance. i need to feel it, know it, and believe it. i need to trust. i need to remember how to follow. i need to remember how to keep my opinions out of things unless asked. i need to remember this is not my body, this is not really my life, it's His. But at the same time, He is not here, He is not really in control because He's so far, and we don't even get to communicate to each other, so it's not like He can from a distance.

i wonder how disappointed Master would be if He found out. i mean, i need to tell Him. i know that. i just don't think it would help anything since He cant help. i need His love more than yesterday. i need His love more than words can say i need Him more than ever before. Yet, i cant have Him.

Tonight when i was done with work, i got offered a few shots. i don't know why, but i turned them down and came straight home. Now, i find myself unable to sleep. Craving the alcohol to put me there. i cant turn off my brain, and i cant keep my heart from aching. i sat outside tonight and looked at the stars. i wondered if Master was where He is, looking at the stars too... i remember a night we had a wonderful talk outside, underneath the stars, and it made me smile and feel Him close in my heart. i clung to that, i held onto those feelings like i never thought to be possible. i want to think of that as i drift off tonight.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough Cause i'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when your asleep
to hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
So tonight I drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough cause i'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

August 8, 2009

i'm tied together with a smile but i'm coming undone

i have come to this blog over the past few days in hopes to post, but the words have never come out right, and i have been hesitant to post my true feelings. i am afraid to be completely exposed, i am unsure about some of my feelings, and i am heartbroken over the current situation.

Due to life circumstances, Master and our son are gone with His family for the next month. Master said He wanted this to be a time i learned to be okay without Him, stand my own ground a little, and continue to hold down the home front. Well, i am failing. Miserably. Things at work are crumbling, my friendships are crumbling, i feel so distant from Master, and at home? Well, things are extremely lonely.

Thanks to the "dark gray cloud" situation, our lives became fuzzy and nothing seemed to make sense. Tension rose like crazy, and life seemed to be slipping through our fingertips. So, we did the logical thing... we fought with each other. Like crazy. Through this came hurt, mistrust, anger, frustration, and a longing to have things be the way they used to be. No matter how hard we tried to piece our lives back together, it was not happening. Neither one of us wanted things to end, so we kept working at it. Unfortunately, to no avail... so far.

So, now due to life, Master and our son are gone for the next month. i am left at home, by myself, heartbroken, and hurt. Not hurt by Master, hurt by the circumstances. Hurt that all i could do was push Him away, and now all i want is His control and love. i crave it. i want it. i need it....and i cant have it. We only get to talk once a day, maybe again right before bed depending on my work schedule, and it downright blows. When we do talk, i just start crying because i catch a glimpse of that safe haven he provides, and then i just fall apart. i hate talking on the phone, because there's really no way to sort out your thoughts, it's just a free for all whatever spills out in the moment. As soon as we hang up, i kick myself thinking of the many things i needed to say that i couldn't.

i feel so empty without His presence, and without His control. i cant live like this. i have all this freedom, and i hate it. i am drinking at night just to try and hide the pain that comes from sleeping in our bed alone. Yet, i know one of the ground rules is no drinking without Master. So why? Why cant i control myself? i am holding everything inside, because i cant trust anyone around me. My family is lame, they aren't there, and friend wise? Well, they don't get it. They would love if their men were out of town... freedom calls ya know? i guess that's just a downfall to being so young and having a family. All your friends are at different spots in their lives, and they cant relate.

i miss our son so much. It sucks every morning to not wake up to hearing him laugh and play downstairs with his daddy. It breaks my heart to only be cooking for one person, not my family. i know Master and i are still together, but it doesn't make sense. i'm craving his control, and i don't know how to function without it. So, instead of just somehow holding myself together, i'm falling apart, and spiraling into a deep, dark place that i know is not what i want. i don't know how to express this all to Master. i mean, i don't want Him to worry, and i get so caught up in the moment when we do talk, that i don't talk about what needs talked about.

i have a lot more to say, but i need to get ready for work. i just want things to be okay. i want the normal life back with Master. That is all. i want Him with me, i want our son with me, and i want to take care of my family again... not myself.

June 26, 2009

Big Gray Cloud

So, i just wanted to post that things with the big gray cloud have gone in our favor for once! Thank you God! So, we are back to functioning as a happy family after battling this crap for the past six months. Now, it's not over yet, BUT it will be shortly. i don't want to count our chickens yet, because anyone who has ever dealt with our corrupt court systems understands completely how crazy they can be. Sometimes, that means making the wrong choice. As of right now though, things have been going in our favor, and hopefully, it stays that way! :)

i just figured i would give everyone an update. Thanks for all the prayers guys!

June 11, 2009

The End? Sad possibility

i am probably the world's biggest over thinker. Seriously. Which, leads me to this post. Things have been rough. To the point of maybe no more relationship with Master rough. i am really unsure of where to start, but basically, Master and i can not seem to get back to where we were. i am unsure of what is causing this. i would love to think it's circumstances regarding the "big gray cloud situation"but now, i am beginning to think otherwise.

i guess i can, and should, only talk about the issues i am personally having, and try to fix those here it goes! i am losing/have lost my willingness to serve. i am sick of trying, i am sick of failing, i am sick of it not being enough. i am tired of being tired. i am emotionally, and physically drained. i am stressed beyond belief, and unfortunately... everything is going to hell because of it. And trust me, this is not me just having a bad day, or pms.... god i wish it was just that simple!

i feel like in my heart i know my role, and i know who Master is.... in my head? it's a whole different story. i am questioning if i am a slave anymore. i mean really... maybe i have it all wrong. Maybe i was pretending to be something i simply am not. Maybe i turned to this lifestyle because i was so young and on my own (moved out at 16) and i was searching for a no bullshit relationship i could blossom in and feel secure. Maybe i really do have abandonment issues from my dad, and that's why i turned towards a Master who has a decade on me. Maybe i felt like a helpless woman(eh, girl... i still don't even feel like a woman) who could only be something with a strong, intelligent, alpha-male who had life figured out. Maybe i am stupid for believing it's perfectly okay to be vulnerable and put yourself out there for someone you love. Maybe, just maybe, my mom is right... she always says "You cant depend on anyone but yourself!" But i thought she was wrong because she's been single for the past 20 years straight, and her marriage crumbled. i am slowly beginning to understand her logic. Sadly.

i am completely unsure of who i am, or what i want, because i have spent the past three years of my life shaping myself into what would please Master, and changing my thoughts as to what is sexy, beautiful, and pleasing according to His views. While i understand this, it leaves me completely vulnerable, and to the point where i feel i am nothing without Master... which then leads to problems of "not being able to hold my ground" without Him, and then, i'm"too dependent" which only causes some crazy problems in and of itself.

So, i am left entangled in a web of uncertainty, unwanted stress, a Master who feels at His limit, a "slave" (if you can call me that anymore) who is afraid to submit to a Master who is unsure if He wants to stay or go, a "big gray cloud" of a situation that is spiraling out of control, financial stress and just about to lose everything we have, oh... and sprinkle some love in there... and there you have it.

i cant sleep, i cant eat, and i don't want a life without Master. This "dark gray cloud" situation needs to end. Let's just hope we can hang on to each other long enough to make it through this.... then maybe, just maybe, we can work on everything else and get things back into place before the situation happened.

Until then, Master, just know, i love you. Just know i am giving every piece of me that i can. And just know, that while this situation is scary for you, it is for me as well. You cant even imagine some of the feelings i have towards it. Just think, the fate of my family, my life, and the dreams i wanted to make reality are in the hands of someone from Your past... that's not cool. Yet again, i am in the shadows... a no one. Now, don't think i am blaming You for this, i know it's not Your fault. So, before You go off the deep end on what i just said, please, just let it soak.

She goes about her day to day, attempting to do her duties to perfection,
She cries alone each night, and by day, work her way through the fears and self rejection.
No one knows this woman is carrying such grief,
If they would only see a glimpse of things, they would shudder in disbelief.
Her heart aches with loneliness, and her tears? She tries to disguise with pride.
Why does she continue to care what they think? It's becoming too much for her to hide.
She sits at home and pours her heart out to a man who is hurt himself, so can he really care?
He seems to not hear a word she says, looking through her as if she's not really there.
No friends to confide in, no family who has not gone astray,
Alone and broken hearted, she begins to wish she could fade away.

May 28, 2009

Home Sweet Home

i am so proud of myself! Check out this amazing loaf of bread i made all by myself this morning :) yum!!! It's quite amazing if you ask me ;) haha.

So Master and i moved on Monday (great way to celebrate the holiday actually!) We are getting situated in the new house...yes house! :) It's great to have the baby out of our room now, but he's having issues sleeping the whole night through because he's by himself now, and it's a strange room (no less filled with boxes and furniture stacked floor to ceiling!)

It's actually pretty humorous because the first night, Master and i got the baby down, and then we laid down in our bed, and guess what we did!?!? We whispered! Seriously. Habit i guess :) i started laughing to myself because it's funny how being a parent to a little one changes you.

Master and i are excited to get settled in here. It's beautiful! The landlord came by yesterday to ask us about the deck we are going to be building on the house :) I cant wait! i am really hoping this is a fresh start, a new beginning, and that soon, things will just work out and go back to normal.

May 21, 2009

i loves Him!

Lately, i have been working my butt off at work! i have been getting overtime every week for the past month now, and quite frankly, i was really beginning to miss Master and the baby. To top it all off i got asked to work on my DAY OFF yesterday, and it ended up being the worst day at work ever (of course....right? lol)

On my way home all i wanted to do was cry. i was so happy to find that Master was awake waiting for me when i got home :) It made things a lot better of course! We talked and then decided to go to bed shortly after, and spent some good snuggle time together. Then the best thing in the entire world happened ...

We had great sex, followed by Master allowing me to fall asleep with His cock still inside me. MMM! There is nothing sexier than that to me ... i mean really? It drives me crazy, it makes me feel whole, (er, full?) and there's something to be said about a man who can keep His cock hard and in my vagina until i fall asleep :) i loves Him!

Master and i had not done this since, oh years ago! Before i was pregnant at least!! It was amazing, and it made me forget about all the yucky stuff from work!

Besides that, things are going okay. We are still dealing with this "dark, gray cloud" but that situation SHOULD be over in the next two months or so *Sigh* please? Master and i are also trying to get the apartment packed up and ready to move into the house (my dad's house that we are going to rent) and that is an amazing blessing in itself because now, we will have our bedroom back and be able to be intimate, and we can go back to hot amazing screaming sex since baby wont be in our room anymore! yay to that! Bring on the intimacy!!! *giggles* i am excited about this move, but i am definitely not enjoying the packing and painting that comes with it! The new house should be great though... big back yard (fenced in no less!) enough bedrooms for everyone, a playroom for the kiddos.... oh, and not to mention the enormous living room! i am super psyched! Hopefully, everything works out and starts falling into place.

May 4, 2009

Confession time...

i have a serious confession.... i think i have been trying to deny it for quite some time, but this past week it has consumed my every thought. My confession is that..... I HAVE BABY FEVER!! i find myself longing to be pregnant again. Longing to carry Master's child, and longing to make our family bigger. Our baby is about to turn a year old, and honestly, i have been crying this past week every time i hold him and play with him because i'm realizing he is not a little baby anymore.

i finally told Master what i have been feeling in my heart. The sad thing is, right now does not seem to be the right time. In fact, i don't see it being the right time for a while. The "big gray cloud situation" needs to be over before we even think about it. i know that stress would not be good for a growing baby. i am the only one working now since Master has been laid off (stupid economy!) We are getting by, okay that's a lie, we are struggling daily to get by, everything has been closing in around us, and we find it a constant struggle to provide the important things.... so why add another baby? No less factoring in maternity leave from work, and then add on the thousand dollars for the midwife and the birth? hmm. Obviously, it's not that logical of an idea.

So how do i tell my heart that something it longs for can not happen right now? i think a lot of this is fear. Fear that when the situations work out and we are actually feeling that baby time is okay, that we will have all the conceiving issues we had before. It took me over a year to get pregnant with our son. Add in the miscarriages, the pain of failing, and a mother's heart? Yeah, it was definitely not a pleasant chapter in my life. i am also scared because i made the decision to go back on birth control... which, is probably the whole reason we had such a hard time conceiving. So now i am just really concerned about things.

What i want more than anything is to start trying for another baby. i think right now, i would be okay if i didn't get pregnant for quite a few months, but what i don't want is to wait until everything seems "perfect" and then start trying, because that is when i would really start losing it over not getting pregnant right away. i don't want to experience heartache likethat ever again.

i have always been one to follow my heart, even when things were kinda blurry and didn't always make perfect sense.... i just always trusted that by following my heart, it would always work out. And it always has. Now, i find myself unable to follow my heart due to life circumstances, and the turmoil inside of me that is following is not a pleasant feeling. i just had to get this out of me, so i could focus. It consumed my thoughts while sleeping last night.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

April 14, 2009

we're gonna make it after all!

Go figure. i am all ready sitting here with tears falling from my face. My heart is so heavy and broken. The big gray cloud? Well, let's just say things with that situation has taken a turn for the worst. Nothing makes sense, and it really honestly feels like Master and i didn't even get a chance. Now, we find ourselves struggling more than ever before. Everyone is saying "justice will be served" or "everything happens for a reason" or "good always prevails" and "God has a plan for this, and everything will work out all right" Master and i have wanted to believe what people are saying, but at this point all we can do is surrender everything and be at the mercy of a court who seem to only want to say F you.

Oh, how i wish i could just spill here. i wish, behind the "Secret" identity, i could just write everything out, but unfortunately, due to the nature of what is going on, i can not. i could really use the support from all of you who read this. i am so thankful for being raised in a Christian home where at least Hope and Faith have always been talked about. Right now, Master and i are so low on both. i know we need to be strong, especially for the children, but it's proving to be harder and harder

Master, i want You to know that i am here for You. i want You to know that You and i have made it through some tough times. Sure, nothing near as tough as this. Sure, nothing that ever came close to ruining our family like this has. There is nothing You and i cant walk through together. Our bond and love is too strong to crumble in a situation like this. We can make it through anything.

March 11, 2009

i am alive

So i just wanted to post real quick. i don't want you all to think i have abandoned my blog. Honestly, so much is going on right now, i can not even find the right words to say. Master and i are fine, things are just really stressful right now. Remember that dark gray cloud of a situation? Well, we are just trying to deal with that. When all of it is over, i will gladly share about it. Anyways, thanks for all the support guys! It's much appreciated!!

Oh, and check out my new babies!! :) Their names are Abby (the bigger one) and Bella (the little one) These are chaweenies!! Only the cutest dogs in the entire world ;) They love the baby, they are gentle, oh and Master (Mr. i want a big huge big manly man dog!!!) LOVES them :) He wont admit it, but He does...

Oh, and i am predicting that every man in the world is going to want a Chaweenie..... seriously. What man doesn't want a cute, small little dog to attract the ladies, AND what man can go around asking women if they want to pet his chaweenie!?!? Well guys... that's my prediction! :) lol. i will post more pictures soon!! They are soooo adorable! Thank you Master for allowing me to have such adorable dogs ;) hehe!

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February 14, 2009

Fuck Valentine's Day

Just like the title says....


Nothing went as planned, in fact, it turned into a huge fight. So yeah, i am frustrated, Master is frustrated, and the baby? well, is sick... and awake.

forget life. forget everything. seriously, why do i try so hard for it all to crumble?

February 9, 2009

Dear Body

Dear Body,

First, let me say that i'm sorry i continuously call you fat. You're not. i promise. It's not your fault i failed to see how great you truly are. You always let me know when i'm not treating you right. While sometimes, i might not like the feelings that come with that, i appreciate your honesty. It's rare these days, you know. You have your weaknesses- especially that major one that we rarely talk about with anyone- but overall, your strengths far outnumber them. Thanks for sticking with me for these past 21 years.

Hair! You rock at life. i hope you know that. You always have a way of making me feel better. Thanks for cooperating with me each and every day. You don't even know how great it makes me feel to start my day off with us working together. i'm sorry that i've practically killed you on more than one occassion with dye, straighteners,hair dryers, and Master's hands pulling you. And i'm really sorry about the time i tried to dye you red... i'll never put you through such a horrendous act again. i love being blonde. Thank you for showing me, and i'm sorry it was at your expense.

Eyes,you are gorgeous in case you were wondering! You've helped me so much throughout my life. i'm such a visual person, i would be entirely lost without you. i love it when Master can look at you and know exactly what it is i am thinking. Oh, and i'm also sorry that sometimes, i hide you with my hair. It's honestly not intentional.... it just falls there.

Nose! Thanks for allowing me to smell some wonderful things (and some not so wonderful things!) in my lifetime. Thanks for being so perfect. You're not too big, not too small, you're just right, and i love you. Thanks for being so cute and perfect.... and i'm sorry i bashed you into Master's elbow the other night... trust me, i felt your pain! i promise to talk to eyes and have them work on where we are going ok?

Hands! i owe you everything. There is no way i would be where i am in my life without your fingers guiding pens across paper the way they do. You were my ticket out of a place i felt was suffocating me. You didn't let me down. Thanks, hands. i owe you one. i'm really sorry about the knuckle cracking and nail biting business. i'm trying really hard to stop. Oh, and i'm sorry for not really ever liking you for the fact i have my "daddy's hands" ... and well, you've served me as a reminder of a man who has hurt me throughout my life by never being around... i am sorry for holding that against you. It's really not your fault.

Feet! i'm sorry i don't let too many people see you. You're pretty nice, actually. And i'm sorry i enjoy torturing you by wearing those beautiful 6 inch heels for Master's pleasure. We have been through some good times together... and some not so good times. Do you remember the time we ran away? i do. You were so tired that day. Do you remember how much trouble we got into? Yeah, that wasn't fun. Let's not do that again... No, i'm not blaming you, but let's just not do that again ok?

Arms, i'm sorry you're so sore right now. It's for a good cause, i swear! We need to work on you a little bit. Since the pregnancy, well, you're a little flabby and scrawny. Especially you, left arm. We're going to work on that though, we'll get you into shape, don't fret! i am sorry i feel bad about you sometimes, but we will get there, we will make it in time for summer. i promise! And then, i'll expose you to the world :) Deal? Oh, and wrists? i'm sorry i was so rough on you during those really hard depressing times. Thanks for not scarring, now i can move forward, and i promise i will never do anything like that again.

Mouth, oh boy do you get me in trouble sometimes with Master! ugh. Thanks for allowing me to make all those funny faces to the baby though :) Oh, and thanks for providing a tongue that was pierced for Master's pleasure a while back... i really love it! It wasn't that bad was it? Thanks for allowing me to quote Billy Madison all the time, i think Adam Sandler would be proud. Oh, and i'm sorry that sometimes, we push things to far and have to wear the gag for a while.... i will work on that.

Boobs, oh i used to love you so much, but lately? not the case. i am sorry i am so harsh on you! Honestly, i should be thanking you for providing the baby with some wonderful, and abundant supply of milk. You did great! Also, thanks for being so big... i love you for that! i know you make some other girls jealous, but hey, don't feel bad... thanks for giving me something great! Oh, and i know you endure a lot of pain for Master's sake... thanks for being so tough! And you have to admit, when He rubs you afterward, the pain disappears and it feels great right?

Legs, man i love how everyone says you're so long! You make it kind of difficult to find jeans that fit perfectly with heels, and without, but hey, we are working on that. i love you anyway. Thanks for being my most dependable means of transportation, even though i complain when i have to use you instead of the car. i know you need some toning up for summer. We will be hitting the gym here soon... so i know you will be sore for a little while, it will be worth it when i show you off in some cute dresses Master picks out for summer!

Ass! Well, thanks for taking all those spankings from Master i love so much. Oh, and that punishment with the cane? i promise i will do whatever i can to make sure that never happens again. Also, thanks for relaxing and taking Master all the way inside you. i know it was hard at first, but look how far we have come! Speaking of cum, thanks for always taking it! You do great! Oh, and i'm sorry that when we are in public, i hide you by begging Master to have His hand there... trust me, it's not because i don't like you, it's just that i love Master's hand on His property in public. It's a sweet gesture of our love and bond. It has nothing to do with you. Oh yeah, and thanks for not being hair or moley... we might have some issues then!

Stomach, i'm learning how to like you more every day. Like i said earlier, you're really not fat. i can even see fun little tones if i turn just the right way. i'm sorry i can only eat bland foods on this new diet. Just remember to savor the flavor on those once a week cheat days ;) Do you remember that time you had an ulcer? Man, that was awful. Thankfully, those drinking days are over, and i promise to treat you better. Sorry in advance, you're probably going to be mad at me soon... mouth made me eat BBQ Chicken Pizza about thirty minutes ago.Please go easy on me ok? Thanks in advance.

Well body, that's about all i have to say. i'm glad we are still friends, and i'm going to work on complimenting you more every day. In fact, i will make sure from today on, i say something nice every morning when i wake up. i'm going to treat you better, love you more, and let you know how much you mean to me. i'm really trying body,please know that! This negative body image crap has got to go. With Master's help, we can do anything... we've seen that become truth many times before. Trust me okay?


P.S. i am trying to work on this whole compromising on the height thing.... well, i wish you would just grow one more inch. Please? Or else i am going to have to torture legs and feet and start wearing 7 inch heels.... it's up to you body. in the mean time, i will keep my fingers crossed!!

inside my own head

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant

my day has just begun, and i am all ready inside my own head stressing myself out. i am nervous. Since Master and i have been together, i seriously have MAYBE worked a total of 6 months. Master has been a great provider, and has allowed me to stay at home with the children and focus on school. Due to the "big gray cloud" and a dakjdgblbghbghdb of a person (That would be me wanting to use swear words but choosing not to) who is now involved in the situation, we have been barely scraping by since we have spent over $5,000.00 on legal fees and court costs to get this situation over with! (in just the last 2 months thats what we have paid!!!!) So seriously, i have been forced into getting a job to help out for right now.

i had an interview on Friday, and got hired on the spot. That made me feel good, and i was like, hmm maybe i can do this. i am going to be a waitress again, (since it's what i do best!) and it's at a sports bar/grill so i should make decent money thanks to serving alcohol. i have friends who work there, so that's always an added plus. So really, i am trying to look at the positives!!!!

i am scared because without working, i am struggling from day to day to manage the house, the children, Master's needs, and school. i cry every couple of days because it's overwhelming. The baby has stopped sleeping through the night, so i don't sleep very much and i am just drained! The house looks so gross, and when i can pick up a little, it doesn't even seem to make a dent in what needs to be done. So now somehow, i need to juggle work on top of this? i feel like i am setting myself up for failure to be honest.

i am going to be working 4-5 nights a week. So, Master will get home from work around 3:30 and i will have to go into work until late at night. Then, i will get home, probably crash, just to get up with the baby somewhere between 2-5 hours later... that's scary to me. i know myself, i know i cant function like that. i need my sleep or else i am worthless.

i have also heard the management at this place are hard to work for, expect a lot, and if its not done the way they want when they want... there's the door. i really shouldn't judge before i go in there, but i am nervous to say the least!!

Also, since money making nights are the weekends, i will be working Friday and Saturday nights. Now, that means i wont be home until 1-3 am!!! Then, i will come home and want to sleep, and the kids will be up between 4-7, so there's the issue of sleep again. Plus, even if Master does get up with them, i will be sad for missing out on some family time. i don't see us getting much, if any of it. And why? All because of this dhgdjagjdb person i am forced into working. A person i hate, a person when someone mentions their name, i just fill up with anger in 2.5 seconds. i hate the fact that this person is trying to ruin our lives, and in the end, i know karma will get her... but seriously, it's annoying to deal with... at the expense of my family? i don't think so.

i know there are thousands of moms across the world who work and take care of things, i guess the reasons i am upset is because #1, this isn't something Master and i wanted... it's something forced thanks to an annoying situation, and #2, i know myself, and i know my abilities, and right now, with the baby not really sleeping, and me not even taking care of myself, well, i cant even begin to think about adding MORE responsibilities.

Another huge thing that i am really nervous about this job is that i am afraid i will see young people my age out partying, having fun, with no cares in the world... and want that way of life back. i moved out of home at 17, fled to Michigan where i was in a D/s relationship that i knew was abusive, but it was my ticket out of home... so i went. When i got on my own up there, i joined the local scene, but downward spiraled into alcohol and partying. i am proud to say, that since meeting Master, i have never been drunk. Sure, i've enjoyed a drink here and there, but never like it was. No more hiding myself in alcohol. So i am just afraid that being around it, will make me want that life... and now that i am a mother, and have to care for others, i am really hoping it's not an issue. i know Master is here for me, but i would just hate to have to struggle with this again.

i just feel like i have a lot of pressure to do this. i have no clue how i will manage everything, and i really honestly do not see this working out (sorry, but at least i am honest) i am going to go in with a positive attitude, and really give it a try. i just don't want to let Master and the kids down.

February 7, 2009

A butterfly for remembrance

There are moments in my life when i really feel that God is looking down on me, watching out for me so to speak. There are moments when you understand why a tragedy happened, or well, can finally come to terms with what happened. As personal as this story is, i have to share it.

Master and i are getting married in July. We were having issues as far as where the ceremony should be. Master wanted woods, i wanted gardens, Master wanted outdoors, we both wanted a sunset wedding which, was proving harder and harder to come by.

Today has been a not so good day, until this! Even on the way to the location, i was pissy, and begged Master to let me call and cancel our appointment! Of course, He said no lol. (Thankfully) We got there and began the tour of the gardens. Well, every garden was beautiful, they were all too small to hold the number we needed (over 150 guests) i was feeling a little defeated! The wind was blowing the chilliest breeze, and the snow had all turned to ice, so seriously, i thought i was going to fall at any given second. We were all the way to the other side of the gardens, and i saw this beautiful garden, and it looked big enough! As we got closer my eyes began to light up, and guess what was in the backround of the garden? WOODS! So Master was getting all smiley :) Then, as we approached the garden, i saw a memorial sign. The garden name? The Kristen Jackson memorial gardens..... i immediately began to cry, and my heart started racing.

You see, Kristen was a good friend of mine. We grew up together in church, and became close friends. Kristen was there for me through a horrible event in my life (a sexual assualt...followed by an unwanted pregnancy) Here in this small town, the most excitement happens in September, just after going back to school.....The county fair (lame, yes i know but that's a small town for ya!) Well, it's such a big deal, that all the schools in our county shut down for one day, and it's considered fair day! All students get in free, and it's just a really, really fun time. i passed by Kristen throughout the day, never knowing that would be the last time i would be so blessed to have known her.

Kristen went missing for days, none of us could go to school, and at church, we just prayed, and sobbed. We knew Kristen was not the type of girl to run away, and at that point, we knew something tragic had happened. Joel Yockey was later arrested for her murder. Kristen was seen by this monster walking home, (he happened to be a near by neighbor of hers) He offered to drive her home, and she got in the car with him. From there, he raped her, murdered her, and chopped her body into several pieces, and disposed of her in a nearby swamp. Her young life over. Gone just like that.

Kristen's death ripped our whole community apart, and the impact to her friends was devastating. While Kristen was taken from our lives 7 years ago, i still think of her often. These gardens were beautiful, all most as beautiful as she was. i just cried as i realized i am going to be getting married in her garden. What a wonderful way to honor her. Also, her garden is attached to the butterfly gardens, so instead of doing bubbles or a dove release, we have decided to do a butterfly release.... to honor our marriage, and Kristen's life. my heart is overjoyed.

Kristen's death made me think why me Lord? Why did i survive my sexual assualt, and not my friend? Through speaking with her family, and our pastors, i was able to move forward with what had happened to me, by seeing that i lived. i survived, unfortunately, my friend did not. Guilt took over me, which turned to depression, then acceptance, and a vow to never be a "victim." Instead, i became a survivor, and i volunteered to teach a support group for sexually assaulted girls later on.... i did this to honor Kristen. i did this, to let other girls know, not everyone lives.

i cant even really explain how i feel.... i know this is a God thing. i know He is there. This is not fate, it's been part of the plan all along. i cherished my friendship with Kristen very much, but i honestly can not say i would be here if she had not died.... the depression from what happened to me was rotting away my spirit, slowly taking over every part of me. Through her death, i saw light. After the grieving process, i found strength, i found a way to love myself, move past the pain, and appreciate the fact that i was still alive. i knew Kristen would want me to see how fortunate i was. While i mourn the loss of my good friend, i have been able to turn a negative life situation into something positive.

i called my mom immediately from the gardens today and told her the news, and she started crying.... she got in her car, and drove over to see it. We cried and hugged, it was a moment i will remember forever. i am going to make a board and put it next to the memorial sign in the garden. i want people to know who Kristen was to me, and the special life she lived in her short time here. i want to lay some fresh flowers down privately there, probably before the wedding, and just have a moment with her. i honestly do not believe it could get any better than this.

This was the song that was played at her service... Kristen.... thanks for 14 fun years of life. i was honored to call you friend.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin

Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

February 6, 2009

i am crushed! ugh

Ok, so this is a pitty party post!!! Truthfully! i am so pissed right now! i spent a long ass time last night completing a 2,000 word essay for my final project. i was exhausted before i even started, and by the time i was done, i was whipped. So, completely without realizing it, i posted my assignment in the wrong folder online. Now, this doesn't sound like a big problem right? Wrong!

Apparantly it's school policy that if it's not submitted right, it cant count at all... nope, for nothing! So my mistake, just cost me my whole grade, and now i stand no chance at passing. Not only does my effort for that assignment go out the door, but all the time and effort i have put into this class over the past 9 weeks. What the hell? i am so angry, with myself, and the stupid school policy. It's not like i didn't complete it!

i just started crying when i read that from my proffessor. Master understands why i am upset, and feels horrible because He knows how hard i have worked in my classes. i just cant believe it's over just because of one assignment! Now i need to take the class over, and pay an extra $950! Out of pocket, i cant take it out in a loan because i failed. Ugh. This is some serious bull!!

i hope my proffessor replies back with some better news, but it's definitely not looking good whatsoever! And to think, i was going to have a good night tonight... now? ha. Forget it. i wonder why i even bother thinking i can do something. It's times like this, i really wonder.

February 5, 2009

Anger breakthrough

Last night, was a breakthrough. At least, i hope so. Master and i got the baby to bed, and decided to spend some time snuggling. Master was sprawled out all comfortable on the couch, so sat my butt down on the floor, and laid my head in His lap and watched some tv with Him. Together, we shared that moment, laughing, talking, and just relaxing in the comfort of each other. Mater was touching me, i was touching Him, and we were both enjoying the moment.

i closed my eyes and yawned, just laying there, and Master asked me if i wanted to be dismissed and go to bed, which of course, i said no thanks :) Master allowed me to just remain there, relaxing in His comfort, and He then told me to take Him in His mouth. i happily obliged, and really got into it faster than most nights. i began worshiping my Master, a lot of love behind it, getting sucked into the moment, and just taking in the feeling of Him in my mouth. i did not think about anything during that time besides serving Master, and making sure He was happy and pleased! It was such a wonderful feeling, very freeing.

i begged Master for His cum in my mouth, and Master happily fed me :) ... a rather big load i might add ;) After it all, i laid and rested my head into Master's belly, thanking Him for what He gave me, and for allowing me to snuggle with Him. Master and i whispered some "I love you's!" and continued watching whatever was on tv.

This is where things sort of get a little shady in my mind. i remember feeling something brewing up inside of me. i can not explain exactly what it is, or how it exactly felt. i just know, that my attitude started changing.... for the worse. i started whining, i started pouting, and i just don't know... something was not right. i looked up at Master and said, "for some reason, i feel like i have an attitude." i said this to Him, because i was so confused. Why? Master and i just enjoyed a wonderful time together, nothing was wrong, and i was very content and happy where i was (so i thought!)

i don't really recall what happened next, but i do remember Master saying it was bed time. i went up to bed, and got all snuggled in and comfy, and then Master came up shortly after and joined me. i love laying next to Him in bed.... my body fits so perfectly into His... and it's the most peaceful and loving way to end every night. Last night, was just a little different. Oh, i loved being there, and it was wonderful, but for some reason, the attitude was going away, but was turning into anger. i have no clue why, well, it kind of maybe makes a little sense later... but at the moment, i was totally lost.

i was on the verge of crying. In fact, i actually believe i started crying, but i am not quite sure. i definitely was not all there last night because i can not even remember it all *sigh* i know i felt a strong urge somewhere from the anger that i needed a release.... (yes, this means orgasm, but i didn't need it in a sexual way... more like get whatever it was out of me, so no, it wasn't like i just want my nut cuz Master got His!) Master was trying to talk me through the emotions, letting me know that my anger was getting more and more intense. i toldHim i just felt i needed to release whatever was inside of me out. i was begging for His touch, and i was begging to get whatever it was out of me. Master began touching me down there, rubbing slightly, and the feelings intensified. i was on this weird emotional edge. i cant even explain what was going on. i begged Master to allow me to release. He allowed me to, and the next thing i know my whole body was just shaking uncontrollably, and this release was turning painful. Shaky legs all tensed up, and moving uncontrollably, my heart was racing, and i just immediately started crying. After about five minutes of this (yes, 5!! and Master had stopped touching me right after He allowed me to release!!!) i finally started to stop shaking as much, all though, the tears were still flowing. i was slowly beginning to melt back into Him, where i always lay, and Master just held me.

i have no idea how to explain what happened. i have no clue what was really going on inside of me that needed to get out, but i need to find another way to deal with this "anger" and not have it always come out in that way. i need to talk to Master about it again when He gets home so that i can piece together what He remembers (as He will remember it all) and then hopefully i can match it up to what i remember, and figure out things emotionally and mentally.

Has anyone had a similar experience like this? It doesn't really make any sense to me whatsoever! i don't understand why i have these intense emotions at times. Some days, it's perfect and my emotions are cool, but others? oh man. Not so much. i know it probably comes back to the post partum depression i experienced, but i am beginning to wonder if it's something deeper from my past or something. it very well could be, but there's no point in bringing that all in to this until after i talk to Master. Who knows.