February 9, 2009

inside my own head

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant

my day has just begun, and i am all ready inside my own head stressing myself out. i am nervous. Since Master and i have been together, i seriously have MAYBE worked a total of 6 months. Master has been a great provider, and has allowed me to stay at home with the children and focus on school. Due to the "big gray cloud" and a dakjdgblbghbghdb of a person (That would be me wanting to use swear words but choosing not to) who is now involved in the situation, we have been barely scraping by since we have spent over $5,000.00 on legal fees and court costs to get this situation over with! (in just the last 2 months thats what we have paid!!!!) So seriously, i have been forced into getting a job to help out for right now.

i had an interview on Friday, and got hired on the spot. That made me feel good, and i was like, hmm maybe i can do this. i am going to be a waitress again, (since it's what i do best!) and it's at a sports bar/grill so i should make decent money thanks to serving alcohol. i have friends who work there, so that's always an added plus. So really, i am trying to look at the positives!!!!

i am scared because without working, i am struggling from day to day to manage the house, the children, Master's needs, and school. i cry every couple of days because it's overwhelming. The baby has stopped sleeping through the night, so i don't sleep very much and i am just drained! The house looks so gross, and when i can pick up a little, it doesn't even seem to make a dent in what needs to be done. So now somehow, i need to juggle work on top of this? i feel like i am setting myself up for failure to be honest.

i am going to be working 4-5 nights a week. So, Master will get home from work around 3:30 and i will have to go into work until late at night. Then, i will get home, probably crash, just to get up with the baby somewhere between 2-5 hours later... that's scary to me. i know myself, i know i cant function like that. i need my sleep or else i am worthless.

i have also heard the management at this place are hard to work for, expect a lot, and if its not done the way they want when they want... there's the door. i really shouldn't judge before i go in there, but i am nervous to say the least!!

Also, since money making nights are the weekends, i will be working Friday and Saturday nights. Now, that means i wont be home until 1-3 am!!! Then, i will come home and want to sleep, and the kids will be up between 4-7, so there's the issue of sleep again. Plus, even if Master does get up with them, i will be sad for missing out on some family time. i don't see us getting much, if any of it. And why? All because of this dhgdjagjdb person i am forced into working. A person i hate, a person when someone mentions their name, i just fill up with anger in 2.5 seconds. i hate the fact that this person is trying to ruin our lives, and in the end, i know karma will get her... but seriously, it's annoying to deal with... at the expense of my family? i don't think so.

i know there are thousands of moms across the world who work and take care of things, i guess the reasons i am upset is because #1, this isn't something Master and i wanted... it's something forced thanks to an annoying situation, and #2, i know myself, and i know my abilities, and right now, with the baby not really sleeping, and me not even taking care of myself, well, i cant even begin to think about adding MORE responsibilities.

Another huge thing that i am really nervous about this job is that i am afraid i will see young people my age out partying, having fun, with no cares in the world... and want that way of life back. i moved out of home at 17, fled to Michigan where i was in a D/s relationship that i knew was abusive, but it was my ticket out of home... so i went. When i got on my own up there, i joined the local scene, but downward spiraled into alcohol and partying. i am proud to say, that since meeting Master, i have never been drunk. Sure, i've enjoyed a drink here and there, but never like it was. No more hiding myself in alcohol. So i am just afraid that being around it, will make me want that life... and now that i am a mother, and have to care for others, i am really hoping it's not an issue. i know Master is here for me, but i would just hate to have to struggle with this again.

i just feel like i have a lot of pressure to do this. i have no clue how i will manage everything, and i really honestly do not see this working out (sorry, but at least i am honest) i am going to go in with a positive attitude, and really give it a try. i just don't want to let Master and the kids down.

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