February 5, 2009

Anger breakthrough

Last night, was a breakthrough. At least, i hope so. Master and i got the baby to bed, and decided to spend some time snuggling. Master was sprawled out all comfortable on the couch, so sat my butt down on the floor, and laid my head in His lap and watched some tv with Him. Together, we shared that moment, laughing, talking, and just relaxing in the comfort of each other. Mater was touching me, i was touching Him, and we were both enjoying the moment.

i closed my eyes and yawned, just laying there, and Master asked me if i wanted to be dismissed and go to bed, which of course, i said no thanks :) Master allowed me to just remain there, relaxing in His comfort, and He then told me to take Him in His mouth. i happily obliged, and really got into it faster than most nights. i began worshiping my Master, a lot of love behind it, getting sucked into the moment, and just taking in the feeling of Him in my mouth. i did not think about anything during that time besides serving Master, and making sure He was happy and pleased! It was such a wonderful feeling, very freeing.

i begged Master for His cum in my mouth, and Master happily fed me :) ... a rather big load i might add ;) After it all, i laid and rested my head into Master's belly, thanking Him for what He gave me, and for allowing me to snuggle with Him. Master and i whispered some "I love you's!" and continued watching whatever was on tv.

This is where things sort of get a little shady in my mind. i remember feeling something brewing up inside of me. i can not explain exactly what it is, or how it exactly felt. i just know, that my attitude started changing.... for the worse. i started whining, i started pouting, and i just don't know... something was not right. i looked up at Master and said, "for some reason, i feel like i have an attitude." i said this to Him, because i was so confused. Why? Master and i just enjoyed a wonderful time together, nothing was wrong, and i was very content and happy where i was (so i thought!)

i don't really recall what happened next, but i do remember Master saying it was bed time. i went up to bed, and got all snuggled in and comfy, and then Master came up shortly after and joined me. i love laying next to Him in bed.... my body fits so perfectly into His... and it's the most peaceful and loving way to end every night. Last night, was just a little different. Oh, i loved being there, and it was wonderful, but for some reason, the attitude was going away, but was turning into anger. i have no clue why, well, it kind of maybe makes a little sense later... but at the moment, i was totally lost.

i was on the verge of crying. In fact, i actually believe i started crying, but i am not quite sure. i definitely was not all there last night because i can not even remember it all *sigh* i know i felt a strong urge somewhere from the anger that i needed a release.... (yes, this means orgasm, but i didn't need it in a sexual way... more like get whatever it was out of me, so no, it wasn't like i just want my nut cuz Master got His!) Master was trying to talk me through the emotions, letting me know that my anger was getting more and more intense. i toldHim i just felt i needed to release whatever was inside of me out. i was begging for His touch, and i was begging to get whatever it was out of me. Master began touching me down there, rubbing slightly, and the feelings intensified. i was on this weird emotional edge. i cant even explain what was going on. i begged Master to allow me to release. He allowed me to, and the next thing i know my whole body was just shaking uncontrollably, and this release was turning painful. Shaky legs all tensed up, and moving uncontrollably, my heart was racing, and i just immediately started crying. After about five minutes of this (yes, 5!! and Master had stopped touching me right after He allowed me to release!!!) i finally started to stop shaking as much, all though, the tears were still flowing. i was slowly beginning to melt back into Him, where i always lay, and Master just held me.

i have no idea how to explain what happened. i have no clue what was really going on inside of me that needed to get out, but i need to find another way to deal with this "anger" and not have it always come out in that way. i need to talk to Master about it again when He gets home so that i can piece together what He remembers (as He will remember it all) and then hopefully i can match it up to what i remember, and figure out things emotionally and mentally.

Has anyone had a similar experience like this? It doesn't really make any sense to me whatsoever! i don't understand why i have these intense emotions at times. Some days, it's perfect and my emotions are cool, but others? oh man. Not so much. i know it probably comes back to the post partum depression i experienced, but i am beginning to wonder if it's something deeper from my past or something. it very well could be, but there's no point in bringing that all in to this until after i talk to Master. Who knows.

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