i have a serious confession.... i think i have been trying to deny it for quite some time, but this past week it has consumed my every thought. My confession is that..... I HAVE BABY FEVER!! i find myself longing to be pregnant again. Longing to carry Master's child, and longing to make our family bigger. Our baby is about to turn a year old, and honestly, i have been crying this past week every time i hold him and play with him because i'm realizing he is not a little baby anymore.
i finally told Master what i have been feeling in my heart. The sad thing is, right now does not seem to be the right time. In fact, i don't see it being the right time for a while. The "big gray cloud situation" needs to be over before we even think about it. i know that stress would not be good for a growing baby. i am the only one working now since Master has been laid off (stupid economy!) We are getting by, okay that's a lie, we are struggling daily to get by, everything has been closing in around us, and we find it a constant struggle to provide the important things.... so why add another baby? No less factoring in maternity leave from work, and then add on the thousand dollars for the midwife and the birth? hmm. Obviously, it's not that logical of an idea.
So how do i tell my heart that something it longs for can not happen right now? i think a lot of this is fear. Fear that when the situations work out and we are actually feeling that baby time is okay, that we will have all the conceiving issues we had before. It took me over a year to get pregnant with our son. Add in the miscarriages, the pain of failing, and a mother's heart? Yeah, it was definitely not a pleasant chapter in my life. i am also scared because i made the decision to go back on birth control... which, is probably the whole reason we had such a hard time conceiving. So now i am just really concerned about things.
What i want more than anything is to start trying for another baby. i think right now, i would be okay if i didn't get pregnant for quite a few months, but what i don't want is to wait until everything seems "perfect" and then start trying, because that is when i would really start losing it over not getting pregnant right away. i don't want to experience heartache likethat ever again.
i have always been one to follow my heart, even when things were kinda blurry and didn't always make perfect sense.... i just always trusted that by following my heart, it would always work out. And it always has. Now, i find myself unable to follow my heart due to life circumstances, and the turmoil inside of me that is following is not a pleasant feeling. i just had to get this out of me, so i could focus. It consumed my thoughts while sleeping last night.
They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
