September 11, 2009

Woah Life is Changing!

All right guys! So things have been weird. First of all, i got a new job :) i will be a nanny again! And the cool thing is this family is super laid back, and the kids are adorable! The parents told me their kids don't open up easily, yet, as soon as i met them, they chatted me up, and then the one hugged me before i left! It was cute :)

So what about working at the bar? Well, the goal is to continue working there as well as nanny. Of course, if i hit burn out mode, the bar will be the job to go. i just think this could be a job for a while to get back ahead and back in control of finances. it will be nice to make a set paycheck each week, and some extra cash on the nights i close the bar. i am feeling really good about this all!

Also, the one thing that makes me nervous is i am still in school full time. So i just really need to stay organized and focus as two jobs, a baby, being a slave, and school is quite the load!

So what about Master? Well, Master is going to be staying at home with the baby while i work. We are anti- day care, and we have made whatever sacrifices necessary to keep one of us at home with him at all times. At night, when i get home (and the nights i don't work at the bar) Master will be training martial arts full time, and eventually opening His own gym. This will take about hmm, 6 months to a year.

Now what about future kids? Well..... here's the cool thing. Master and i have talked and we want to have more children when he is working at His own gym. This way, i don't worry about maternity leave and force myself to be back after 12 weeks! Not the plan i want whatsoever!

So these are the changes that have happened this week! i am so excited and love this new beginning. The only task i have to do before work on Monday is start car shopping!! Tehehe. i have never been one for changes, but i know this is what our family has to do. For some reason, this time around, i'm not feeling all uneasy.

September 6, 2009

i am willing yet i'm so afraid

i just can not understand why i have these big huge fears when it comes to submitting again. i mean, i did it before, and it was pure bliss.... so why the fear now? *shrug* All i know is it is causing some not-so-good-waves between Master and i.

All i want is for Master to be pleased. i want Him to be happy, i want to see that look in His eyes again. You know, the look where i feel like i'm not about to be replaced because well, i just suck. *shrug* Yet, some where along the way, i have lost sight of how to do this or when i am feeling extremely playful and ready to go, Master is not, and of course when Master wants to be pleased, i am about to pass out from being tired or just worked a double or whatever... so of course, my attitude is not where it should be.

i will be the first to admit i am beginning to lose faith in the whole d/s dynamic relationship stuff. i don't get how two people can want this so bad, yet not be able to make it work. Maybe it's from all the past hurt we have dished out on the other, maybe it's because we are just not compatible anymore like we were in the beginning. Who knows. All i know is i want to take that next step, but i cant get myself there. i know my heart wants to do it, but my head keeps running all these things through it as to what can go wrong, or how i will do fine for a few days, then things will go back to the "old way" and then i just gave Master a false hope. i hate that. i hate how it makes Him feel. i really do, and when i see it, it makes me shut down a little more. i am so afraid that eventually, i will stop trying to open up ... just shut down and stay that way.

i know this has been a bit of a big ramble, but i have to go work a double today... and i'm running a little late! Master just know i love You, and i want things to be better... i just don't know how to take that plunge anymore.

September 4, 2009

Life is rough when you're sick!

Since Master has been home, i have been sick on and off. i know this mostly has to do with my allergies, but yesterday i was throwing up and just in so much pain it didn't make any sense. i had to work yesterday, but they sent me home, so now i am stressing about money and my job. *sigh* i feel much better today, but i am in severe pain in my lower back and it is shooting down my legs. i don't understand how i can be in this much pain.

Master massaged my back last night which felt wonderful :) Hopefully, today is the last day of being sick, and tonight maybe we have some play time ;)