June 5, 2010

Cry Of My Heart

Look around and see Your wonderful life
It's all most perfect from the outside
In picture frames You see Your beautiful wife
Always smiling but on the inside
Cant You hear her saying

Lead me with Your strong hands
Stand up when i cant
Don't leave me hungry for love
Your chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me You're willing to fight
That i'm still the love of Your life
i know we call this our home
But i still feel alone

Master and i had a horrible day today. Master dropped the "d" word again; (divorce) and it completely shattered my heart to pieces. i don't know what to do or think anymore. Sometimes i firmly believe this whole d/s thing is some false illusion that does not really exist. At least not in our world... anymore.

i am so tired from all the fighting. Master is asleep in the bed right now, and i don't even know if i should go up there. Hell, i don't even know if He would even notice if i didn't come to bed at all tonight. He didn't say a word to me the whole drive home (over 2 hours) it was complete silence and me just left to doubt and question everything in my head because i don't know what the silence was supposed to mean. It was very cold, and i feel like i am falling into someplace dark and scary...yet i am trying to keep myself together for the baby's sake. Ughh.

i will post more tomorrow or something. Let me sort out all the emotions from today.

June 4, 2010

Wandering Mind

Tonight i did something totally out of character for myself. We are having a new deck put on our house, and it looks amazing! It's so cozy, and comfortable, and it's just more then anything i have ever had at any place i have ever lived at (Thank you Mr. Landlord) Well, the new deck has built in lights in the ceiling of it. It's been storming here on and off tonight, and after i put the little one to bed, i decided to grab some paper and a pen and head outside to sit, write, and cry while the rain poured, the lightening struck, and the thunder rolled.

When i first got with Master, i never envisioned our lives being quite like this. Honestly, it was never supposed to turn out like this. i love Master with all my heart. There has never been a time where i wonder if i still love Him. There has never been a time where i have been like, wow this was a stupid choice, but this was just not how Master and i envisioned for our lives together.

i am so blessed to be married to Master. i am even more blessed to have His children. i am so grateful to be pregnant again, and i love feeling this baby move and remember the night we conceived (seriously... we always know the exact time it happens! It's kinda funny) i am blessed to have a Master who takes my thoughts and feelings into consideration. i am happy to have a Master who supports me being at home no matter what the cost. i am thankful Master trusts me with so much, and depends on me for different things.

With all that being said, i am really feeling like a horrible person. ok. Well, not person. Horrible slave. i have not done anything that is directly "slave like" in i don't know how long. Even saying the word "Master" feels so foreign now. It's causing me so much trouble just to type about this all really.

Perhaps i have unrealistic expectations of myself. Perhaps my problem is that i have expectations of myself period... and not relying on only Master's expectations. (That's all beside the point with this post... maybe a topic for next time)

If one of Master's guy friends/coworkers/online buddies were to ask Master to describe His slave/wife ... i would honestly want Master to be able to say with a huge smile how perfect i am. (That sounded totally prissy!) Not in the "i am entitled and i the best with no effort" kind of perfect... i mean the "He trained me and made me perfect for Him" kind of perfect. Unfortunately, if Master were asked that right now, i think He would admit there are ways He is not getting what He needs from me. It hurts to think about.

Tonight while i was outside with the pen and paper, i was thinking about how there is plenty of love, but no more D/s. Seriously. None. Never. Ever. Ever. It seems like we allow lief to creep in and rob us of what we both really want. Why? i guess that's what i need to figure out.

i know Master has said before He wants me to take initiative with it. You know, He's sick of being denied, so He wants me to show Him i am ready again. Well, i don't think i will ever be ready because of fear. So if i am too scared to take the first plunge, and Master is sick of being denied... how can the cycle go back to how it was? i know there have been some terrible things that have happened that have forced us both to put up some walls (completely outside circumstances) but we both have let the other "down" by not being there for the other in a time of need because we were both trying to deal with our own emotions regarding the situation (phew! What a mouth full that was to get out!!!)

i am so ashamed to say this but Master and i have not even had sex in i don't know how long. Seriously. Months. Sure, some of it is pregnancy related... and that's understandable. However, my heart breaks every time i see porn searched on the computer... i understand He has needs, and i understand i am neglecting those needs... so really, it's all my own fault. However, i don't see how to add back in the d/s with the schedules we have. It's just not... practical.

Sure, when we talk about things day to day that need done? Yeah... i ask Master what needs to come first, or i present an idea to Him with the whole "is this ok?" or "what do you think if we did this....." i keep the house clean... i know that's submitting. i work hard to stay up when Master gets home from work to prepare a drink for Him (not alcohol FYI) and ask Him about His night at work... i make sure bills are paid... i take care of the little one... i send Master encouraging texts while He is gone... i wake up with the little one to allow Master to sleep... i help pack His lunches... i do all these small things to just try and make His day a little easier. i understand that's serving... but that's nothing like it was before. Is it wrong to not want to be content with that?

i am so afraid of so many different things. i think the ultimate internal battle is why submit physically and "allow" to have that d/s dynamic back when in 6 weeks, when Master leaves... it will be gone for 8 months. Sure, the mundane stuff i do now will still be there... but no sex, rare contact, and who knows what else. Not to mention i will be adjusting to life with a new baby, and being back in school, plus being a "single parent" while He is gone. i am so fearful to let go, let Master have all the power sexually, and just feel that release again... because in such a short time, it will all be gone again. Why put myself through that? To me it's stupid... yet to Master, it's me hurting Him by not doing it. Why am i so focused on preserving myself? Not on what my Master needs from me? *bangs head into wall*

Tonight i have just been so upset by all of this. i am an emotional mess about it all really. It just downright sucks! i know some of it is hormones, and i know a release like this can be freeing. It's actually really out of character for me... so who knows! Maybe change is on the way ;)

June 2, 2010

Update Time

Sorry for the absence. It's all been baby related. i am very proud to say that i am all most positive the pre-term labor has stopped :) sooo, i am back on track with a great pregnancy, and only 8 weeks left!

That brings me to this next point. i know i mentioned Master would be leaving for 8 months a week before my due date. Master has re-enlisted with the military. (He is prior service) So, he leaves a week before i am due, and we wont see Him for 8 months.

i am all sorts of emotional in regards to this. i am:

Excited for our family, and what this means for us.

Nervous for my abilities to be strong while He is gone.

Sad for not only us being separated for that long, but for the effect on the children.

Anxious to know whether or not Master will be here for the birth of our baby girl or not.

Intimidated by the new way of life that awaits us as a military family.

Blessed to be able to count on a solid job for the next 4 years in a terrible economy.

Stoked that i am back to being a stay at home mother... i am where i belong again :)

Heartbroken that i will be sleeping alone for 8 months.

Scared for what lies ahead for Master in regards to health and safety while He's gone.

in regards to the birth and all, well i feel that right now, whatever is meant to happen will happen. If Master is meant to be here for this birth, help catch our baby, and be here for those first few coo's and whimpers, then that is one amazing thing. However, i am mentally preparing myself to birth alone and send pictures (and a thousand tears) to Master in a package. This is actually why we found out what the baby's sex was, for the simple fact that if Master was gone, He could at least know what we were having... and He picked out the name, which is absolutely gorgeous!

i have a wonderful support system set up, and Master is beginning to feel secure in being gone for the postpartum period. Last time around, i suffered postpartum depression pretty bad, and obviously Him not being around to help made Him very nervous. Now, He is seeing that everyone will be looking out for me while He is gone. i will really owe it to my family, a wonderful midwife, a supportive doula, and many friends.

i have a huge respect for military families, and i know these years will be difficult, yet i understand the importance of them for our family. Master did great when He was active duty before, so i am completely confident He will do the same this time around :) i have all ready been planning little things to do for Master while He is gone. Care packages, projects around the house, little surprises that would mean a lot to Him when He gets back home etc. etc.

i am so blessed, and i am so determined to keep a positive attitude about all of this. There is just that scary dark side of wondering if the worst wont happen, and i wont have my soldier ever again. That's what chokes me up. For right now? i know things are ok, and there is nothing to worry about.

Master, i am so proud of You and the choices You are making for our family! i will be the best military slave/wife You have ever seen! i love You more than anything in the world <3