June 4, 2010

Wandering Mind

Tonight i did something totally out of character for myself. We are having a new deck put on our house, and it looks amazing! It's so cozy, and comfortable, and it's just more then anything i have ever had at any place i have ever lived at (Thank you Mr. Landlord) Well, the new deck has built in lights in the ceiling of it. It's been storming here on and off tonight, and after i put the little one to bed, i decided to grab some paper and a pen and head outside to sit, write, and cry while the rain poured, the lightening struck, and the thunder rolled.

When i first got with Master, i never envisioned our lives being quite like this. Honestly, it was never supposed to turn out like this. i love Master with all my heart. There has never been a time where i wonder if i still love Him. There has never been a time where i have been like, wow this was a stupid choice, but this was just not how Master and i envisioned for our lives together.

i am so blessed to be married to Master. i am even more blessed to have His children. i am so grateful to be pregnant again, and i love feeling this baby move and remember the night we conceived (seriously... we always know the exact time it happens! It's kinda funny) i am blessed to have a Master who takes my thoughts and feelings into consideration. i am happy to have a Master who supports me being at home no matter what the cost. i am thankful Master trusts me with so much, and depends on me for different things.

With all that being said, i am really feeling like a horrible person. ok. Well, not person. Horrible slave. i have not done anything that is directly "slave like" in i don't know how long. Even saying the word "Master" feels so foreign now. It's causing me so much trouble just to type about this all really.

Perhaps i have unrealistic expectations of myself. Perhaps my problem is that i have expectations of myself period... and not relying on only Master's expectations. (That's all beside the point with this post... maybe a topic for next time)

If one of Master's guy friends/coworkers/online buddies were to ask Master to describe His slave/wife ... i would honestly want Master to be able to say with a huge smile how perfect i am. (That sounded totally prissy!) Not in the "i am entitled and i the best with no effort" kind of perfect... i mean the "He trained me and made me perfect for Him" kind of perfect. Unfortunately, if Master were asked that right now, i think He would admit there are ways He is not getting what He needs from me. It hurts to think about.

Tonight while i was outside with the pen and paper, i was thinking about how there is plenty of love, but no more D/s. Seriously. None. Never. Ever. Ever. It seems like we allow lief to creep in and rob us of what we both really want. Why? i guess that's what i need to figure out.

i know Master has said before He wants me to take initiative with it. You know, He's sick of being denied, so He wants me to show Him i am ready again. Well, i don't think i will ever be ready because of fear. So if i am too scared to take the first plunge, and Master is sick of being denied... how can the cycle go back to how it was? i know there have been some terrible things that have happened that have forced us both to put up some walls (completely outside circumstances) but we both have let the other "down" by not being there for the other in a time of need because we were both trying to deal with our own emotions regarding the situation (phew! What a mouth full that was to get out!!!)

i am so ashamed to say this but Master and i have not even had sex in i don't know how long. Seriously. Months. Sure, some of it is pregnancy related... and that's understandable. However, my heart breaks every time i see porn searched on the computer... i understand He has needs, and i understand i am neglecting those needs... so really, it's all my own fault. However, i don't see how to add back in the d/s with the schedules we have. It's just not... practical.

Sure, when we talk about things day to day that need done? Yeah... i ask Master what needs to come first, or i present an idea to Him with the whole "is this ok?" or "what do you think if we did this....." i keep the house clean... i know that's submitting. i work hard to stay up when Master gets home from work to prepare a drink for Him (not alcohol FYI) and ask Him about His night at work... i make sure bills are paid... i take care of the little one... i send Master encouraging texts while He is gone... i wake up with the little one to allow Master to sleep... i help pack His lunches... i do all these small things to just try and make His day a little easier. i understand that's serving... but that's nothing like it was before. Is it wrong to not want to be content with that?

i am so afraid of so many different things. i think the ultimate internal battle is why submit physically and "allow" to have that d/s dynamic back when in 6 weeks, when Master leaves... it will be gone for 8 months. Sure, the mundane stuff i do now will still be there... but no sex, rare contact, and who knows what else. Not to mention i will be adjusting to life with a new baby, and being back in school, plus being a "single parent" while He is gone. i am so fearful to let go, let Master have all the power sexually, and just feel that release again... because in such a short time, it will all be gone again. Why put myself through that? To me it's stupid... yet to Master, it's me hurting Him by not doing it. Why am i so focused on preserving myself? Not on what my Master needs from me? *bangs head into wall*

Tonight i have just been so upset by all of this. i am an emotional mess about it all really. It just downright sucks! i know some of it is hormones, and i know a release like this can be freeing. It's actually really out of character for me... so who knows! Maybe change is on the way ;)

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