January 30, 2009

Inside Men and Women's Souls part 2....(fakeout!)

Okay guys.... so i am not done with this post.... i had to run thanks to the baby :) BUT, i will be writing part 2....tomorrow :) heh...suspense! i know, it will kill you!

Moving on:

i have to say, i am actually quite disappointed with what i have seen on Fetlife so far. i just created my profile recently, and started posting in some groups (slave related groups) and i am severely disappointed. Maybe it's just me being "old fashioned", educated, and trying to have class sometimes. Maybe it's because i know what i want, and i've fought hard for everything i have gained. Maybe it's because i have an amazing Master who i really just sometimes forget how truly wonderous and smart He is when it comes to the lifestyle.

i log onto fetlife, hoping to stumble across a post that's actually not a "stupid question" and something i can really benefit from, and honestly, i would post comments on there, but i know i would come across as a huge bitch. i have never been one to classify myself that way, but i have never met so many (in my opinion) dirty, trashy, posers in my life! Maybe i am just missing it right now. i don't understand how you can praise infidelity and deceit.

Ahhh i have to contain myself :) i am not saying i think everyone on there is fake and dumb, but majority? That seems to be the case. i guess it would be no different than collarme or alt if they had groups and forums, but wow; just wow. And people wonder why BDSM is viewed so negatively. i seriously think there's something more here, but right now, all i am is shocked. Maybe i will be able to pin point it later and write more! Who knows. Something is just rubbing me wrong in some of those groups.

Oh, and libby dearest.... i am sorry i have not replied yet :( i apologize!! i have been thinking about you a lot though! :) Have fun with your sister tomorrow!!

January 27, 2009

Inside men and women's souls

i have seen quite a few posts from slaves and dominants on blogs here, and on fetlife, and i figured i would finally post on this issue as my personal view is completely different than most. The discussion mostly comes down to this issue:

Are all women submissive, and are all men dominant. Also, along with this, should girls/daughter be raised to be submissive little housewives, and should boys/sons be raised as strong, dominant, manly men.

This might be just a little long, so please hang in there, but this is something i see as a huge problem.... all most an epidemic if you will. First, i should say that these views are my opinion, based on what i have seen as a young woman with many friends, an adolescent biopsychology backround thanks to college, a child care certification for preschoolers and elementary, a mother, and as a midwifery student.

i believe women and men were designed to compliment each other perfectly. i do not believe a man, or a woman, was made to be alone. If you look through the history of humans, women have usually, if not always, been the submissive gender (look at Victorian era....all based on rank and respect; even up through the 1950's which was the Leave it to Beaver family dolled up picture perfect submissive wife/mother.) i believe there are longings of both men and women, that are deep inside every man/woman's souls.

A man is obviously much less complicated than a woman (i don't think anyone would disagree with me there!) i believe every man wants to "battle a fight." Think about little boys; they love weapons! Whether it be light sabers, knives, guns, or pirate swords. Look at the movies men love to watch; Braveheart, Gladiator, Top Gun, Saving Private Ryan. i also believe men long for adventure. Think back to little boys; they love to climb, jump, and see how fast they can ride their bikes...backwards....and without hands! Adventure requires something of a man, its putting them to the test. Though some men can fear the test, at the same time they long to be tested so they can discover whether or not they have what it takes. Also, i believe every man longs for a "Beauty" to rescue. Where would Robinhood be without Marian, or King Arthur without Guinervere? So, when you put these pieces together, you see that a man doesn't want just a battle to fight, he needs someone to fight for. i believe, nothing inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves. Most of the daring (and sometimes borderline stupid) things younger men do are to impress the girls. Come on ladies, we all can name a few from our high schools, hell, probably even from college. What about the men who are fighting in Iraq? They are carrying pictures of their women, tucked into their uniforms while they are fighting. It's the perfect metaphor for this deep longing inside their souls.

Now, i am not saying that a woman is a helpless creature who can not live without a man. So, don't think that for a minute. Now.... bring on the women!

i believe inside every woman's heart, is a desire to be romanced. Women long to be the "beauty," abducted by bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero/prince. Think of the movies you loved as a little girl; Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, The Last of the Mohicans, Sense and Sensibility, The Sound of Music, Little Women, a Little Princess, Sarah Plain and Tall. Little girls long for romance, to be seen and desired, to be fought for. Every little girl wants to be precious to someone- especially their Daddy. As a woman get older, the desire turns into a longing to be pursued,wanted as a woman. We want to be a priority. Also, i believe women want to play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure. We want to be a part of something good that requires all of us, something dangerous and worth dying for. A woman is a warrior too, but in a more feminine way. (All you have to do is inslut a woman's children, man, or best friend and you will get a glimpse of it!) Most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play; they want to believe that there is something in them that is needed, and wanted desperately. Women were made to be a part of an adventure that is shared. I personally believe that a woman does not want the adventure for only adventure's sake, but for what it requires of her for others. The other main thing i believe is in the core of a woman, is we want a beauty to unveil. Let's face it, women want to be beautiful. They want to be breathtaking, captivating, and lovely. Why do you think little girls play dress up? They put on their mother's clothes and makup, shoes many sizes too big, and twirl in beautiful sparkly and shining skirts. It's inside a woman's soul from a young age to be beautiful have "sparkle" in her life. The desire to be beautiful is an ageless longing. Compliment an elderly woman, and see a face light up, wrinkles and age spots disappearing, and beam with delight. It never goes a way. Sort of.

Now, based on this. i can actually answer the questions at hand. Women and men, were designed completely different, to compliment eachother. Cant you see how they go together so beautifully?A woman, in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to bloom and his pursuit draws out her beauty. A man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, which draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero. This is how i believe it was meant to be.

Somewhere along the line, we have lost sight of how men and women were designed. Now, we have passive men, men afraid to stand up for anything. Now, we have "Dominant, strong, independent women" who somehow believe they are better then men. We have fathers (and mothers too!) who crush the spirits of their daughters by not being there, or not making them feel delighted in. We have mothers (and fathers too!) breaking the spirit of our young boys for their "violent" play. This causes wounds. Deep, hurtful, even shameful wounds. Wounds that scream, "I am not good enough!" "I am not delightful!" "I am no hero!" "I am not beautiful" it's damaging.

i believe, based on everything i have said this far, that men are natural born leaders, and women take the irreplaceable "supporting" role. This would mean that women are more naturally submissive, and the men are obviously, naturally dominant. The dynamic works that way. Let me provide a few examples.

i am Master's slave. Obviously, He is the one in charge, and i follow His lead. Should i feel that i am somehow less than He? No! Why? Because without me, He would not have a slave to be dominant over. He would not be able to be what he truly is. i play an irreplaceable role, and i know i am His beauty. i am completely vulnerable and open to bend to His will, and He is vulnerable and completely opened to me, as i am in a position where i could easily hurt Him. This dynamic works.

i am a mother of a boy, and a girl. When i get alone time with my daughter, what type of activities do we do? Well, we play dress up, we brush eachother's hair, paint our nails, sing songs like we are pop stars, we talk about beautiful things, we watch sappy love story Disney movies, we go shopping for beautiful clothes, and we delight in eachother. Now, my son is only 6 months old, but when i get some alone time with him when he's older am i going to sit there and brush his hair? No. We will go out and seek some kind of adventure. i delight in my daughter, i try hard to nurture her feminine soul, and with my son? Well, when he gets older, i hope i bring out the "hero" in him. i hope i am able to nurture a creative, heroic, adventuresome boy.

Another example is that in July, Master and i had a planned homebirth. We decided we would welcome our son into the world in a baby pool in our bedroom with close friends and family around us. This was a very intimate and emotional time. Master could not be the hero in this situation, i had to be the warrior. i knew Master was there for me, and He did all He could do to make sure labor and delivery was pleasant. i knew i was in an adventure, not for just myself, but for Him! For our family! And for a lifetime of happiness. It was so amazing to deliver our son, and hear Master praise what a lovely job i had done.

Also, there is a woman i looked up to. Strong, driven, beautiful, rich, and married with 3 children. Oh i wanted to be her so badly! She didn't need her husband, she didn't let anything stand in her way, and she was president of her company. It seemed like there was nothing this woman couldn't do. As i got to know her, and her family more, i saw the brokeness in that home. Her husband was the most passive man ever. He felt like he was merely there to support his wife, and sit at home, cleaning, cooking, and tending to the children. There was no adventure, there was no hero, his wife was that. Her children longed for her at home. They wanted her at home. They wanted to feel like they were important enough for her presence.

i am not saying be a weak, vain, woman. Nor am i saying be a tool of a man. i am saying it's perfectly okay to be strong, but not stronger than your man. Don't overshadow his leadership. i believe that in most cases, female Doms, and male submissives, simply have so much hurt and shame, that they hide behind these walls that put them in the opposite behavior. Think about a woman who was in love. Oh, she was romanced and taken care of. Swept off her feet. Then, the relationship ends for whatever reason. What happens next? She becomes a "strong, independent, woman" She doesn't need a man in her life, she can do it without him. It's a defense mechanism. The next time she meets someone, she's got walls in place to protect herself, she defames him and his spirit, and drags him down. It's damaging to both sides. Why not express the hurt, work through it, and next time, choose a little wiser to who you allow yourself to be vulnerable to.

So, in case you couldn't figure it out, i believe we need to nurture our daughters into the domestic, submissive girls. i believe we need to nurture our boys to be strong, loving, leaders. Let them know it's okay to seek adventure. It's okay to fight for the Beauty. i am not saying that every man and woman would end up in the BDSM world, but i am saying that naturally, men were meant to lead, (maybe not tie up their slave of a woman and flog her regularly) but simply, guide the family in the direction he believes is best. i will teach my daughter how to fold laundry, how to sew a hem, how to put a tie on her man, how to iron, cook, clean, etc etc. i would want my son to know how to mow a lawn, do minor house repairs, work on cars, etc etc. Sure, they can learn the other stuff, so if they ever have to do it, that's great.

Moving Forward?

Last night was a bit rough. i'm slowly moving on from the hurt, but i am mostly just bummed. Bummed that Master and i continue to allow this person an ability to upset us, and allow anger to be exchanged between the two of us. It makes no sense really. i cant believe, a person who means absolutely nothing to us, can cause so much tension, that Master and i end up hurting eachother.

i understand this situation is very, very stressful; and i know Master and i feel like there is this huge gray cloud above us all the time, but ultimately, this will be over soon (hopefully!) and we can move forward with our lives; being the happy family we usually are :)

Honestly though, when we used to have fights over this person, they were much worse. Last night, we fought, then cooled down, and actually snuggled in bed together, in fact laughing in bed together. So for that, i am thankful. Thankful that we are recognizing the "power" we are letting this person have over us, and seeing that we obviously don't want to continue in this pattern.

Oh, but on a much lighter note.... last night, we were laying in bed, and i received a text message from a friend and started cracking up, Master grabbed the phone and started laughing as well. i went to grab my phone back, and obviously it's dark besides the glow of the phone, and i slammed my nose into Master's elbow. Yes, seriously. i started crying (instinct!) and i was afraid i broke it or it was going to bleed everywhere. Master starts laughing!!!!! lol. Crazy sadist! Well, ok, to His credit, i am pretty sure He was laughing as He checked my nose and all (which, it's not broken, and it didn't bleed!) But it hurt like hell!! Then, Master seriously was cracking up so hard, He had to shove His face in the pillow so the baby wouldn't wake up. i kept telling Him it wasn't funny... that it hurt. And finally, He was like, can you imagine if we had to go to the hospital and explain what happened?

"No doctor, i swear, i slammed my nose into His elbow!"

Sounds like a cover for some serious abuse lol. Oh well. Ultimately, i was laughing, but wow, i really need to learn how to be careful!

January 26, 2009

Interesting 24 hours

So last night, Master and i (and my mom!) went to the bridal store. We had all ready picked out one dress, but for some reason, i was still holding on to a dress i tried on a while back without Master there....so i wanted to take Him and see what He thought about the dress. Oddly enough, we ended up finding a different wedding dress that we both adored way more there....and it was $250 cheaper! So that was pretty awesome! So, then, it came down to paying for this dress. Well, for some reason, i decided to call my dad up (yeah... the one who just said he wasn't going to help at all with the wedding, and the one who walked out of my life when i was 3 years old) and guess what?!?! He helped me get the dress!! :) i was so shocked! My mom actually started crying! Here's to hoping we have a better father/daughter relationship together! Obviously, this is just the first step of many, but wow, i was just blown away. So that was a pretty great night!

This morning, i got the baby and myself ready for a funeral. That was pretty sad, but afterwards, my best friend and i did what we do best... shop! Yeah! So, we went to the mall....through some serious snow... in 4 and 5 inch heels.... lugging a baby around! (yeah, funny picture i know) It didn't take us long before we stopped and bought some flip flops! lol. We shopped and grabbed a whole bunch of stuff!! Pretty fun :) Started shopping for wedding night lingerie (ooo la la!) and a few surprises for Master for Valentines Day!

It was nice to be able to let loose and just have fun for once. i really needed that :) i am so refreshed, and am happy to be at home with Master tonight....hopefully, we can snuggle, and i can serve Him tonight. After a "lazy" day, i'm ready to do some serious service ;) heh heh.

i am excited to see how tonight goes with Master. i know He's tired, and His back is hurting, so maybe i can give Him a good back massage ;)

January 25, 2009

Updates... nothing too exciting!

So i have to start out by saying i joined this new group through our church (yes, we go to church) and it's for young-er/ish mom's. It's a group where you have older mentors (who are married women that now have grandchildren) and we meet once a month at one of the mentors' house. They cook a 3 course meal while teaching us how to make it (they also give the recipes!) and then while the food is baking,we discuss our lesson for that month (This one was on kindness to our hubbies, our children, and ourselves!) the other lessons are submission to your hubbie (or Dom haha) and loving your children, loving your hubbie, and loving God. It was so fun! i really enjoyed the group, and i cant wait for next month! lol. The only hard thing was leaving the baby and Master. i have only left the baby a handful of times, so that was difficult, also it's hard for me to leave and do something for "myself" if that makes sense. i dedicate all my time to my family and others, then when it comes time for me? Well, i don't allow that to happen. lol.

Also, i am very excited i have found a sub friend who, well, has a lot in common with me. i am so excited to see how that works out, and since we have a lot in common, it's easy to talk about things! i am really excited to see where this goes with that....you can tell she's very dedicated to her Master and her baby. It's really precious to see :) err read? whatever!

Oh, and so last night, Master and i didn't do a good job communicating to eachother. :( It seems to be a problem that started after my depression started when we had the baby. It seems like neither of us can communicate what we need without yelling/crying/throwing anger. Fortunately, we talked it out today, and actually took a step forward! So that's nice! i have seen so many changes between Master and i lately, i cant wait to see how things continue to change and go back to how they were before the depression and breakdowns. i just hope Master knows i am trying so hard, i hope He sees my heart, and sees how all i want is to please Him!

Well, that's all i can write for now, i am off to the bridal store to show Master another dress (we have one picked out but for some reason i cant get this one out of my mind!!) so, i am taking Him to see it! So wish me luck :)

January 22, 2009

Anal Whore

So last night was amazing! Master and i were both extremely tired, and i honestly thought it would be just another lazy night. i got the baby to sleep and sat down in the cozy rocker to watch .... American Idol! (Thank you Master by the way... i know it's not Your favorite show)

Now, i am assuming Master was getting a little bored, as He came over and had me get on all fours. He began touching His property with His hands (still allowing me to watch American Idol....what a nice and loving Master!) and to say i got worked up, is a huge understatement.

He started teasing my ass with His toys. In between my legs, the wetness was just dripping down! i quickly forgot about all that was around me, and drifted into subspace. After a few playful spanks, i started slamming into the toy in my asshole; oh i wanted Master in there so bad! i started begging for Him to put His huge cock in me.

It was one of those truly special moments. No lube, no tensing up, just a heart and mind needing to surrender and serve. It was beautiful and i felt so close to Master.

So, i would love to tell you all that afterwards, i was a graceful, proper slave.... but of course, that would not be me whatsoever. lol. That's not my style ;) ha. So i seriously couldn't move after Master emptied His load in my ass. i just laid on the floor groaning ha. Finally, i started crawling towards the bathroom, Master enjoying some laughs and calling me a drama queen. lol. i made my way up on the toilet, and the next thing you know, i hear Master yelling, "kitten are you okay?"

i looked up all distraught and realized i fell asleep on the toilet. Yes, you heard me correctly. Seriously who does that?!?! So yeah, Master enjoyed laughing about that for a while. i eventually gathered myself together and curled up at His feet and laid there for a while with my hand touching the top of His foot. After a little while i went to bed and Master joined me shortly; snuggling me and holding me as we drifted to sleep.

Seriously, it doesn't get much better than an awesome anal session and some snuggles!

January 21, 2009

Time for change?

No no no, don't think for a minute this is a blog about the new leadership changes in our country (trust me, you don't want to hear my opinion on this issue!) i am simply at a point in my life of growth and changes. i tend to go through these phases about once a year, and it always seems to be near my birthday (December!) This year was a huge birthday.... the big 21! yep. lol. Master says they are all downhill from here!! Come on Master, remember they say 40 is the new 30, so it's okay ;)

Anyways, a lot has been going on. Master changed jobs, we had a baby this past summer, it was a completely picture perfect pregnancy, labor, and delivery at home in our bedroom :) (yes it was planned!) we moved to a different state to be near my family for support with the kids as we finished up school, and now we find ourselves making wedding plans :) yep, you heard me right lol.

Through all of these changes i learned so much about myself. i learned i underestimate myself a lot, probably in fear that i don't set the bar too high and fail, or let others down. i learned how strong i could really be under some pretty crazy/scary/challenging circumstances. i learned i was a little too dependent on Master, and i learned that sometimes, i don't like the person i am. i learned that when things get hard, i would rather shut down and get defensive than dig deep and plow through,finding a way around a problem. i also learned what i really wanted in life, who i really wanted to be there with me, and that no matter how hard things got, my love for Master never changed or wavered. It's been a pretty humbling year. This brings me to now, time for more changes.

Master and i talked the other night, He explained that due to all the changes (especially the baby!!) He got a little lax, and i didn't nurture my slave nature too much. Instead, i focused on the kids, life, school, etc etc. Well, it's about time to make priorities priorities again. Time to do a little life shifting! Master explained He was going to crack down again, which honestly, might intimidate me just a little, but ultimately i know it's what i crave. Master and i have been talking about school a lot, there are going to be changes with that as well. Also, there are going to be changes to my body.... Master and i have talked about my next piercings, so that's exciting! Also, i'm not 100% satisfied with my body yet lol. Babies are a blessing, but definitely not to your body! So, i finally found a gym in our area that offers child care in it, so i will be off to work out throughout the week there. i am dieting, and honestly that has been pretty easy. i'm dying to be a killer sexy milf and look all hott and gorgeous for Master on our wedding day!! ;)

So Master, i am ready. i am ready for You to shape me. Turn me around in the direction You want, bend me to Your will, and break me if You have to.... i want our love to grow stronger, and i am more than ready to make more changes. i love You so much!