August 31, 2009

Mind blowing reconnecting sex!

Last night after the baby went to bed, Master told me to get my slave shoes on and some cute stockings. i came down the stairs and we talked for a while about some much needed stuff that needed to get out in the open. It was a little awkward for both of us as we both tried our past to change past behaviors of just getting upset and fueling a big fire. Instead, we both shared feelings, listened to each others thoughts/fears, apologized and moved forward. This in itself was a wonderful feat towards a better future between Master and i.

After all that, we both thought maybe, the other was too tired to do anything physical. i can not recall exactly what started the physical touches that lead to the next level but whatever it was phenomenal. All i remember was taking Master deep in my throat and gagging (and not caring!) as i massaged His balls. i also remember feeling Master taste me and allow me some serious pleasure down there that is usually quite the special treat. Master began whispering "go deeper kitten" in my ear. i quickly responded by allowing myself to let go completely and head to the deepest part of sub space. i remember feeling Master push against my asshole. i wanted Him in all my holes so bad. i craved Him in my asshole. He started pushing it in, and i was grinding back on Him trying to take Him all the way in. i have never felt Master that deep inside my asshole before. He started pounding into me as i was rubbing my clit begging for His cum inside me. i wanted to feel full. Master decided we would cum together, and when He commanded me to cum, i started squirting!! i was so shocked by this that i started yelling "i'm squirting!!" (Now, i find it kind of funny) As i was squirting, all i could feel was Master filling me up with His cum. Master then pulled out, came up by my face, held me, and told me it was okay to come down... that He was right here waiting for me. Usually, it takes me a little while to come back down, but this time, i came down pretty fast. i snuggled into Master and we laughed about the whole experience.... how intense it was, and how we both really, really, really, really needed that!

We snuggled with each other for a while then headed on up to bed. All i remember after that was curling up in His arms and passing out. Last night was the perfect night to let me know that everything is going to be okay. After last night, i remembered why i fell in love with Master in the first place. i am more than ready to surrender, and He is more than ready to lead me where i need to go. i cant wait to see what happens next..... i will post more later but have to go to work!

August 30, 2009

Master is home!

Master and our son are back home. It's been a great to be able to be a family again. Unfortunately, i am super sick between allergies and some crazy random flu like symptoms. i have been sleeping on and off all day today *sigh* Not quite the first day back we were hoping for of course!

Hopefully tonight when the baby goes to sleep, Master and i can get some quality time in to well... fuck like crazy! Hopefully, i am feeling better by then. i know i am soaking wet, and i noticed He was hard as hell this morning ;) now, we just need to do it!

So here's to hot-welcome-back-home-sex-mixed-with-the-flu-and-allergies!! Sounds sexy huh? i know you're jealous!

August 28, 2009

These final moments

So where's the redone living room picture at? ha! Well ya see, it's still not done!! All though, it's looking so cute and i am really happy i started this hell-of-a-project! tehehe. i thought about posting a picture of it now, but i figured i would just wait until i am completely finished!

Master will be getting on the plane in a little over 12 hours to be on His way home! i am excited beyond any words i can spit out. i have cried a few times today because it's finally starting to sink in. This is my last night a-l-o-n-e!!

So i have been painting and cleaning all day, i have to work a 12 hour shift here soon, then i have the ex-room mate moving all her stuff out, then i have to get a shower and look all cute, then i'm off to the airport to pick up Master. Unfortunately, i have to work tomorrow, so i will only have a few hours with Him and our son :( but then i work Sunday, and off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday... so it shouldn't be all that bad! Lots of family time then! i just hope the adjustment back home is smooth for Master and our son. i have missed them bunches!

August 27, 2009


Here is a picture of the cozy and comfortable living room? i think not!! i have to get busy on finishing all this up because i work tonight and tomorrow, and Saturday morning the plane lands.... so today is all i have left!! eek!

Where is my fairy god-mother at?!?!?!?!

i will post a (hopefully) much better picture today after i get everything looking nice and finished!!

August 26, 2009

Ut oh!

i talked to Master today on the phone for a while. i am super excited to say this ... Master will be home on SATURDAY!!! Yay! Only three more days! And the super duper cool part is that i requested Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off from work, so i will have some time off to spend with them! (all though i have to work Sat and Sun!)

i am picking Master up at the airport Saturday around noon.... i can not wait! i am super excited! i cant wait to smell Him, love on Him, and just feel His arms around me tight in that big bear-like hug that i really, really, really have missed this past month.

So, now do you guys want to know why i put the title as ut-oh?!?!?! Well, i got this genius idea to redo the entire living room while Master is away. Why? Because, well, i wanted Him to come home to it looking nice and new! Ya know, i wanted Him to feel like i was thinking of Him and His tastes even though He was not home. i want Him to come home to something comfortable and cozy :)

So here's to the next few days of chaos until i go to the airport and pick Him up :) i am super excited!! Just two more days!

August 25, 2009

Breakdown 101

Last night, i had a breakdown. i am trying to get to the root of everything, and sort out everything, but when i do, i just get more confused and feel less and less of a person. i cant explain what goes on in my head, and i know if i cant communicate that to Master, then how can i expect Him to help?

i don't know exactly what started me off in the wrong direction yesterday. i couldn't sleep Sunday night, so it was hard waking up for work yesterday morning. i also woke up to my lovely time of the month ... so i know that explains some of the yucky-ness feelings. i also had a bad day at work because i got stung by a bee, and got degreaser chemical splashed in my eyes. i also know i am not handling Master and our son being gone anymore. i feel like it's been long enough, and honestly, i am just downright sick of being alone. i failed my class in school that i needed to pass, so now i need to come up with $1,500.00 to retake the class. On top of it all, we have to go back to court for the "big gray cloud situation" here soon, and my stomach gets tied up in knots just thinking about the situation.

So, last night Master calls and we start arguing over getting money to Him. i guess before He left, we just thought it would be a simple process... send it in the mail. Well, it's taking too long to send it to Him normally, but it's expensive as hell to send money to Him overnight/priority mail, and it's annoying on top of that. So Master is getting frustrated on the phone because of things, and i'm getting frustrated because well, because He is. He felt i wasn't putting Him and our son as a priority, and i felt like no matter would i could give or do, it wasn't enough for Him.

Not to mention we were fighting on the phone and i was in front of my mom, which my mom hates Master as it is, so that just fueled everything. Of course, then my mom was yelling at me, so now i have Master frustrated in one ear, and my mom yelling and throwing her crap on me in my other ear. i couldn't take it. i got money to Master, and then Master was relieved and felt everything was okay. Everything was not okay.

i begged my mom to take me home, and when we were in my driveway, i said "i'm sorry you got stressed out by my situation, thanks for running me to get Him some money, i appreciate it, and He appreciates it!" and she said nothing. Just sat there. Seriously? So, i got out of the car and was like, "or not!" (maybe not the smartest thing to say) She then starts screaming and yelling and causing a scene in my driveway, to which in the middle of her ramblings that i was trying to ignore she said "don't call me for anything! You cant have the car ever again, don't call me to take you to or from work, and don't bother me anymore! you have a stupid relationship and the only thing good that came out of it was your son, but you are just going to mess him up!" Wow. Hurtful. Thanks for the support mom!

i understand she said that all in the moment, but still. She means what she says. my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship, and have never been all that close. She is never really supportive of anything i do, and i've learned what she says to my face, is never what she says to the rest of the family about me. i cant trust her, and i was surprised she made it this far into Master's being gone before she finally blew up on me and pounced on me since i didn't have Master there to back me up.

So, Master is a thousand miles away, and everything is fine in His world because i got the money situation taken care of, but little did He know things here were not okay. Then, i get on the phone with Him and i try to keep everything off of Him, but of course, i just start crying and telling Him nothing is okay. i just remember saying come home!! Is life there that good with out me that You don't want to be here with me? i don't understand.

i know i was a wreck, and i know Master probably really does not want to come back to hell here. i just feel like He's abandoned me, or that He doesn't care. He kept trying to calm me down and tell me i would be seeing Him in about a week. A week is one week too long. i needed Him last night, and He couldn't be there.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. i mean, He was there over the phone trying to calm me down, trying to reassure me about everything, but i was such a wreck, that i needed Him physically. i cant explain it really. When i have really bad breakdowns, i go to a scary space. The best way i can explain it is like this:

It's like going to sub-space; except it's not a happy-endorphine filled space. It's all negative, it's scary, and it's dark. i lose all control of myself, i go so deep i don't remember what i'm doing in the moment, and sometimes, i see things. Scary things. In the moment, i tend to hurt myself, i start throwing up, and i cant breathe.

Master knows how to help me in these moments. Yet, last night, He couldn't be there to help me. i was left to my own defences, and that just made me panic even more because i didn't feel safe in the breadown. All i needed/wanted was to lay in His arms and pass out. i couldn't communicate to Master what i needed because what i needed, couldn't happen. Finally Master went to bed and got off the phone. i just curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor (i was throwing up) and just sobbed until i eventually passed out.....4 hours after He went to sleep.

Now, i know people before have expressed needing help for all this. i agree. When i reached out before to a counseling place, they seemed really helpful and things were fine. The only thing was though, is they just tried to drug me up on a shit ton of powerful mood stabilizers. i begged Master not to make me take them, but He felt helpless and said to just try. i felt horrible on all that stuff, and Master and i realized meds were not the answer. We even tried other kinds and still nothing felt okay. On top of the med issue, they reported me to Children's Services and i'm sorry, if you want to see "psycho" take my kids away from me. Nothing, and no one will come between me and my family.... so i said what they wanted to hear, and put on the fake side, and of course, the investigation was all closed. i never went back to that place again. i feel like if i am honest, then boom! my kids will be taken away because i'm "psycho" or something crazy like that...even though all i am trying to do is get help and be better for my family. So, i have shut up about the whole thing.

So, i am left to only being able to be honest to Master about everything. Which means, i depend on Him when it comes to my emotional state much more then the average person does to their partner. The breakdowns are not all that frequent, so i guess in mine and His minds it's "worth" the hell to keep plowing through. *shrug* They happen less then once a month usually, and sometimes i will go months with out one. It really depends on the situation and all.

So yeah, there you go guys, i hope this helps, and i hope it gives more understanding into things. i know someone left a comment about finding the root of the issues that lead to the breakdowns, and i plan on posting on that tonight or tomorrow. It's just this is long enough as it is!

August 24, 2009

This sums it up!

i feel like i am really grasping and understanding why Master wanted me to be alone and stand my ground. The weird thing is, now that i feel like i have learned this... i am craving His presence more then ever before. Just a little more than a week left!! *sigh*

i have learned that there comes a time when you have to stand alone. you have to feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams. you must be willing to make sacrifices. you must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be reached. Sometimes familiarity and comfort need to be challenged. There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities. you need to be strong enough to at least try to make your life better. Make sure you appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunity to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life. Do not stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way!

Master, i love You so much! i miss You more than words can say. Since learning all of this during Your time away, i find myself anticipating Your return home so i can surrender it all back to You. Thank You for all You do, and i cant wait to see where we go together in life in the future.

Yours always and forever,

August 21, 2009

i did it?

i'm not really sure this is something to be all that proud of, but i kicked my room mate out today. Yep! Ya see, i knew when Master got back, that He would lay down the law and not put up with her shit, and ya know, it was tempting to not take Him up on that and just let Him be the "bad guy" Well, i decided it was time for me to do some dirty work for once. So, i talked to her today, and she did not have much to say. She still didn't even apologize about the dog, and she certainly did no talking about the money situation (go figure)

i feel really bad, but at the same time, i feel like i can breathe with out this unnecessary stress! i can breathe in, and breathe out, and know that i am doing the right thing for my family. i also know that Master will be coming home to a sanctuary :) a nice humble house (with some majorly kick ass remodeling/redecorating) and a healthy, happy slave who cant wait to have Him in this home again.

The days are creeping by, but at the same time, i feel like i don't have enough days to get all these projects finished!!! ahhhh come help me people? lol.

A few lessons learned on a road never traveled

It's just after 3:30 in the morning. i had a good night at work, and i am feeling good about life. i have done a lot of thinking about things, and here's what i have learned since Master has been gone.

1. i have learned that no one in this world has my best interest at heart..... except Master.

2. i have learned that one bad apple does ruin it for everyone at work.

3. i have learned that being the nice person, well, sometimes that means the wrong people walk all over you

4. i have learned that sometimes, caring so much about a "friend" only leads to heartache

5. i have learned that trying to do a mans job (aka: remodeling the house!) while He is away is not the most genius idea (sorry now Master if You come home to a mess!)

6. i have learned that miserable women who are jealous of your relationship with Your man/Master will do anything at your expense to end it because of their own misery

7. i have learned that when two people love each other, nothing can stop it from working out

8. i have learned that there are genuine nice people in the world

9. i have learned to stand for truth.... even if in the moment people don't believe you, or that it seems you are being "punished" for it by someone (aka:managers at work)

10. i have learned that nothing feels right when Master is gone

11. i have learned that the only "safe place" is my home. In these four walls, all i should find is comfort, security, and love.

12. i have learned that everything happens for a reason... and while in the moment it doesn't make sense, that one day, it all will, and i will be thankful for the experience it gave me

13. i have learned that nothing matters more to me in my life than Master and our son

14. i have learned that while Master and i are suffering through the expense of a corrupt court system, that i will not lose faith, and i will trust that good prevails over evil

15. i have learned to believe that karma can kick some mean ass!

16. i have learned to believe in standing up for what is right.... even when you are standing alone

17. i have learned that by taking a step back from a situation, it never looks as big

18. i have learned that Master's love for me, and my love for Him is unbreakable.... just look at all we have endured

So i am sure there is more, but right now, that's all i can think of. Tomorrow will be hard. i need to talk to the roomie and i need to kick her out. It's not about waiting for money anymore, that's the least of my worries, it's all about moving forward, and keeping my house a nice, calm, cozy sactuary. If someone wants to ruin that, then they can get the fuck out! You took my dog, you tried to ruin things with my man, and you've started shit at work.... i'm not going to sit back and stay nice.... i know if i do, then Master will clean house when He gets home. Well guess what? For once, i'm not going to make Him look like the "bad guy" (even though He has no problem with that) For once, i am going to take charge of my life, and my family's life. No one will come between that. It amazes me when someone tries to upset my family, how quickly i turn into the "protective momma bear!" i guess something good has come from Master being gone? *shrug*

So, since i've learned a pretty big "lesson" so to speak, Master can You come home now? *giggles* It was worth a try ;) Only 12 more days or so til He's back.... i'm going to make it, and things are going to be okay!

August 20, 2009


It is storming like crazy outside. i am scared, and Master's arms would be perfect right now. The end.

(wow, deep thoughts huh? ... remember, i am just walking in the door from a 12 hour shift at work)

August 19, 2009


i feel horrible. i wish i could just talk to Master, but i am certain that after last night, i am the last person He wants to talk to. This post is going to be hard to get out, but i am going to try.

Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.

Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.

i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.

i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.

So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.

First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.

Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.

i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.

i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.

August 18, 2009

In over my head?

So, Master and i are doing much, much better!! i have been planning a bunch of surprises for Master to come home to. You know, show Him that while He was gone, all i could think about was Him! Of course, with all these things planned, i am feeling totally overwhelmed! *sigh*

Let's see, the projects i have started are:

1. Completely remodeling/decorating the living room- this is a HUGE task because our living room is three times the size of most living rooms. That was our problem with it. It was too big, and not cozy or comfortable. So, i took it upon myself to start painting, purchase a new couch, and toss up some fabulous decorations.Oh, and get some new molding to go around the top of the walls. Right now, my living room looks like a disaster zone, but hey.... i have two weeks until Master gets home!

2. Our Bedroom- i wanted to surprise Master by actually paying attention to our bedroom. The kid's rooms are beautiful, the rest of our house? Getting there. Our bedroom? Well, it's boring, plain, empty, and definitely not a spot that screams romance and intimacy for either of us. So, i have found some paint colors, new bedding, restaining the dresser, hanging up the mirror, setting up a cage in the room (shhh!! This will really surprise Master i know it!) oh, and i found some cute quotes i want to paint up on the walls about love. i hope to have the room done when Master gets home, and have some cute lingerie laying on the bed since i've been working out and all (all though, i don't feel like i have toned up quite yet.... i will get there soon!) i also wanted to create a spot to have our toys in, and have my costumes that should be hanging up in the closet back up there for some fun play when He gets home.

3. Working out- i have been working out regularly for Master since He has been gone. Now, i have no excuses, i have enough time, and i wanted to start this habit now before it's even harder later!

4. Eating healthier- this has actually come pretty easy. i have been really surprised by how healthy i am eating, but i do still crave some yummy chocolate sweets sometimes!

5. The bathroom- well, i painted up a really cute quote in our bathroom, and i changed out the hardware in there to match the remodel. i still need to get a few things for the bathroom. i need to unclog the drain (drain-o didn't work... any ideas?!?!) and i need to buy some matching decorative towels, and a bath rug to step out of the shower onto that actually matches. That's all that's left in that room

6. The playroom- this is mostly for our son. i have missed him the whole time he's been gone, and i've cried many tears! So i want to have the playroom completely finished when he gets home. Sort of a gift to him. i have the walls mostly finished, i just need to buy some stuff to furnish it with, and finish painting the lower corner of the one wall.

7. Schoolwork- This has been difficult. i'm actually failing my class, but i am working hard on my final project to hopefully bring my grade up! i know this is one that Master really wants me to focus on... so i need to get back on track!

So yeah.... these are just some of the projects i'm into right now. Ugh! i have this huge tendency to get in over my head a lot. The only difference is i don't have Master to help me ;) i have to get myself out of this mess all on my own! haha! Oh goodness! Hopefully, i can accomplish all this in the next two weeks before He gets home and freaks out! i want Him to come home to a nice, cozy, comfortable house. With everything in order, and a slave who looks sexy and happy to see Him! Not a frazzled, sleep deprived, fat slave, in a house that every room is tore up and everything out of place!

August 16, 2009

"Just as we would not brush our Masters' hair with the same brush we use to clean the toilet, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck and serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world."

Hmmmm! i found this today and it kinda made me make that deer-in-headlight-look! This is something i definitely struggle with. i love to crack jokes, i love to be a bitch sometimes, and sometimes i can be downright mean to people. However, this made me start thinking. Maybe, just maybe, i could be nice and realize that just because i would never say those things i say to others to my Master, that when i say those things to others, i am still a reflection of my Master.

i definitely at times can have a Fuck you attitude to the world. i think this happens mostly when i'm really stressed, and really mad at something inside myself. So maybe, instead of turning it all outward, i could focus inward on what is going on. i would probably accomplish much more this way i'm sure! :) So here's to thinking before i speak....something i've never done before in my life, ha!

August 15, 2009

i miss Him

Oh this seems like such a lullaby while Master is gone...... oh how i miss Him!

RIP my Bella-Bean

So, unfortunately, i had to take my puppy to the vet to be put down. Leaving there without my puppy was the saddest thing ever. i wanted so badly to run in there and take her back, but i also know i didn't want her to suffer, and unfortunately, i didn't have thousands of dollars to keep her alive. i cried on the phone to Master about it, and He just kept reassuring me that it was going to be okay, and that He wished He could be here for me, and that He wishes He could have been there for our little puppy :(

i am heartbroken, and it was extremely hard to sleep without her. And it sucked worse to come home to no happy go lucky little puppy prancing by the door waiting for some attention. i kept her collar, and i plan on keeping it forever. i don't think that dog could ever be replaced. She was pretty kick ass.

So my little Bella-bean.... i'll miss you and you were a kick ass dog. i'll miss you prancing around the house, i'll miss you tearing up stuff, and i'll miss you playing so well with the baby :(

Now, the house is really empty, and i leave myself wondering if there is anything else in this world that can be stripped from me right about now? i mean honestly. *sigh*

August 14, 2009

i mean really!?!

Everything in my world continues to crumble. i swear i will have nothing left here shortly. Yesterday i thought Master and i finally got somewhere. When i got to work and talked to Him briefly, i thought to myself, "Wow, it really is going to be okay." i changed my attitude to adapt this, and had a good day at work. Then, i get home, and everything unravels.

So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.

Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.

So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.

We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!

i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?

i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?

i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!

The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.

i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.

Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(

August 10, 2009

i don't know who i am without You

i should be proud of myself i guess... but for some reason, that's not what i am feeling. So, i know i've mentioned before about the alcohol issue. Well, last night i didn't drink at all. i laid in bed, struggling with sleep. Crying into my pillow, and holding my special stuffed animal Master got for me years ago. i regretted not buying a bottle for last night many times. i think i had to experience the pain raw and real for once. i had to be exposed to the true feelings inside myself. There was no more running from the pain. i had to deal with it.

i think i have been afraid of these feelings, and honestly i know i have reason to be. It's hard. It downright sucks. And it's unsure of what happens from here. i have decided to start working out and eating better to give me something positive to do and try to help keep my mood stabilized. i started this on Wednesday, and it's been going well so hopefully i stick to it, and look sexy when Master gets off the plane!

i think i am going to send a package to Master and our son. Any ideas what to send? i mean, He's with some family, but obviously i want to throw something sexy and adorable in there. Gotta tease the man so He cant wait to get His hands on me when He gets back ;)

Ah! i am coming back into myself all ready.... i love it! :)

August 9, 2009

Goodbye to you ...

Well, i just said goodbye to my biological dad. He was in town visiting for a week, and like everyone else in my life, time has come for him to go. i cried. Like a baby. And felt stupid. i know we haven't ever really had a relationship like we should, but before he left, he told me to hang in there and that he understood. He shared a moment with me about his own life... something i never knew much about. i will hold on to that moment forever, and i will make sure he knows how special he is to me. i might be grown up now, but girls forever need their daddies. It was really special to have my dad love on me at a time when Master cant. Especially because of how we don't really have a relationship.

i knew today would be hard. i know my brain wants to go to abandonment as everyone is leaving, but my heart knows otherwise. i am planning on hanging out with my brother today, and that's always a fun and exciting time. We are actually going gun shopping! ha! And then to the mall for some other shopping.

Oh, and i have set some goals for myself while Master is gone. Since Wednesday, i started a new diet plan. i have not cheated.... not once! i just started working out today. It kicked my ass after only five minutes! i didn't realize how out of shape i was, and how far from fit i have gotten. i just imagined this image of me being at the airport waiting for Master and our son, and do i want to look like a wreck? Or look like i really genuinely missed Him and cherish what we have? i think closer to the time they will be back, i will be going shopping for a sexy little dress or something! i figured some 50's style pin up girl would be adorable :) i just see Master's face beaming and Him wrapping me in the biggest hug ever. i know it would be a cute surprise to Him!

So here's to moving forward, and trying to think positively. It's not easy, and i'm not saying i'm emotionally okay. Reality is, i'm not, but if i can take a few steps to try and change things, why not?

i cry out with no reply
and i cant feel you by my side
So i'll hold tight to what i know
You're here, and i'm never alone

PS- i love you Master!! Only about 28 more days or so *Sigh*

Another sleepless night

It is after 3:30 in the morning, and i should be asleep. i cant. It was UFC night at work, and of course, it made me miss Master bunches since that's kinda "our thing" together. i miss His smell, His comfort, His touch, His control, His love, His smile, His strong arms that hide me when He holds me, and everything else about Him!

i hate the uncertainty in everything right now. i hate that we are at this place in life that due to outside circumstances, our relationship can crumble. i hate that we have blamed each other through this, instead of clinging to each other for hope. i am upset with myself for the way i have been acting since Master has been gone. i know Master would be upset, and i want to break the patterns, but it feels like the worst kind of addictions, and i am left to fend for myself.

Since Master has left, i have had a problem with alcohol. My family members are alcoholics, and my grandmother even lost custody of all her children due to her addiction to alcohol. i can see how i am heading down the path to addiction. i also know one of Master's rules for me is i can never drink unless He is with me and grants permission. So, i know i am breaking a rule, i know there are consequences, and i know that i have predisposed genetics to possibly becoming an alcoholic, yet i cant bring myself to stop. i can not lay in our bed without sobbing, so some alcohol allows me to relax, and pass out with out the tears. i cant bring myself to come home after work because i am coming home to no Master and no baby, so i stay after work and drink a few drinks so i am in a cloudy state of mind and can go home with no problems. When i am at the house alone, i drink to cope. i don't know a different way, and i don't have anyone here to help. All i have is my family, who see nothing wrong with drinking. In fact, my mom bought me a bottle of liquor the other night! So that should tell you things.

i feel heartbroken inside. i know i am ruining things for myself, but it's because i need that control. i need to know Master is here for me, even through the distance. i need to feel it, know it, and believe it. i need to trust. i need to remember how to follow. i need to remember how to keep my opinions out of things unless asked. i need to remember this is not my body, this is not really my life, it's His. But at the same time, He is not here, He is not really in control because He's so far, and we don't even get to communicate to each other, so it's not like He can from a distance.

i wonder how disappointed Master would be if He found out. i mean, i need to tell Him. i know that. i just don't think it would help anything since He cant help. i need His love more than yesterday. i need His love more than words can say i need Him more than ever before. Yet, i cant have Him.

Tonight when i was done with work, i got offered a few shots. i don't know why, but i turned them down and came straight home. Now, i find myself unable to sleep. Craving the alcohol to put me there. i cant turn off my brain, and i cant keep my heart from aching. i sat outside tonight and looked at the stars. i wondered if Master was where He is, looking at the stars too... i remember a night we had a wonderful talk outside, underneath the stars, and it made me smile and feel Him close in my heart. i clung to that, i held onto those feelings like i never thought to be possible. i want to think of that as i drift off tonight.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough Cause i'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when your asleep
to hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
So tonight I drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough cause i'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

August 8, 2009

i'm tied together with a smile but i'm coming undone

i have come to this blog over the past few days in hopes to post, but the words have never come out right, and i have been hesitant to post my true feelings. i am afraid to be completely exposed, i am unsure about some of my feelings, and i am heartbroken over the current situation.

Due to life circumstances, Master and our son are gone with His family for the next month. Master said He wanted this to be a time i learned to be okay without Him, stand my own ground a little, and continue to hold down the home front. Well, i am failing. Miserably. Things at work are crumbling, my friendships are crumbling, i feel so distant from Master, and at home? Well, things are extremely lonely.

Thanks to the "dark gray cloud" situation, our lives became fuzzy and nothing seemed to make sense. Tension rose like crazy, and life seemed to be slipping through our fingertips. So, we did the logical thing... we fought with each other. Like crazy. Through this came hurt, mistrust, anger, frustration, and a longing to have things be the way they used to be. No matter how hard we tried to piece our lives back together, it was not happening. Neither one of us wanted things to end, so we kept working at it. Unfortunately, to no avail... so far.

So, now due to life, Master and our son are gone for the next month. i am left at home, by myself, heartbroken, and hurt. Not hurt by Master, hurt by the circumstances. Hurt that all i could do was push Him away, and now all i want is His control and love. i crave it. i want it. i need it....and i cant have it. We only get to talk once a day, maybe again right before bed depending on my work schedule, and it downright blows. When we do talk, i just start crying because i catch a glimpse of that safe haven he provides, and then i just fall apart. i hate talking on the phone, because there's really no way to sort out your thoughts, it's just a free for all whatever spills out in the moment. As soon as we hang up, i kick myself thinking of the many things i needed to say that i couldn't.

i feel so empty without His presence, and without His control. i cant live like this. i have all this freedom, and i hate it. i am drinking at night just to try and hide the pain that comes from sleeping in our bed alone. Yet, i know one of the ground rules is no drinking without Master. So why? Why cant i control myself? i am holding everything inside, because i cant trust anyone around me. My family is lame, they aren't there, and friend wise? Well, they don't get it. They would love if their men were out of town... freedom calls ya know? i guess that's just a downfall to being so young and having a family. All your friends are at different spots in their lives, and they cant relate.

i miss our son so much. It sucks every morning to not wake up to hearing him laugh and play downstairs with his daddy. It breaks my heart to only be cooking for one person, not my family. i know Master and i are still together, but it doesn't make sense. i'm craving his control, and i don't know how to function without it. So, instead of just somehow holding myself together, i'm falling apart, and spiraling into a deep, dark place that i know is not what i want. i don't know how to express this all to Master. i mean, i don't want Him to worry, and i get so caught up in the moment when we do talk, that i don't talk about what needs talked about.

i have a lot more to say, but i need to get ready for work. i just want things to be okay. i want the normal life back with Master. That is all. i want Him with me, i want our son with me, and i want to take care of my family again... not myself.