August 9, 2009

Goodbye to you ...

Well, i just said goodbye to my biological dad. He was in town visiting for a week, and like everyone else in my life, time has come for him to go. i cried. Like a baby. And felt stupid. i know we haven't ever really had a relationship like we should, but before he left, he told me to hang in there and that he understood. He shared a moment with me about his own life... something i never knew much about. i will hold on to that moment forever, and i will make sure he knows how special he is to me. i might be grown up now, but girls forever need their daddies. It was really special to have my dad love on me at a time when Master cant. Especially because of how we don't really have a relationship.

i knew today would be hard. i know my brain wants to go to abandonment as everyone is leaving, but my heart knows otherwise. i am planning on hanging out with my brother today, and that's always a fun and exciting time. We are actually going gun shopping! ha! And then to the mall for some other shopping.

Oh, and i have set some goals for myself while Master is gone. Since Wednesday, i started a new diet plan. i have not cheated.... not once! i just started working out today. It kicked my ass after only five minutes! i didn't realize how out of shape i was, and how far from fit i have gotten. i just imagined this image of me being at the airport waiting for Master and our son, and do i want to look like a wreck? Or look like i really genuinely missed Him and cherish what we have? i think closer to the time they will be back, i will be going shopping for a sexy little dress or something! i figured some 50's style pin up girl would be adorable :) i just see Master's face beaming and Him wrapping me in the biggest hug ever. i know it would be a cute surprise to Him!

So here's to moving forward, and trying to think positively. It's not easy, and i'm not saying i'm emotionally okay. Reality is, i'm not, but if i can take a few steps to try and change things, why not?

i cry out with no reply
and i cant feel you by my side
So i'll hold tight to what i know
You're here, and i'm never alone

PS- i love you Master!! Only about 28 more days or so *Sigh*

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