August 14, 2009

i mean really!?!

Everything in my world continues to crumble. i swear i will have nothing left here shortly. Yesterday i thought Master and i finally got somewhere. When i got to work and talked to Him briefly, i thought to myself, "Wow, it really is going to be okay." i changed my attitude to adapt this, and had a good day at work. Then, i get home, and everything unravels.

So, since Master has been gone, i decided to have a room mate move in. It's a girl from work who needed a place to stay, and i didn't want to be alone while Master was gone, so i thought it would work. Also, even when Master did come back, we still have an extra bedroom, so why not let her stay? Well, obviously this was the stupidest idea i have ever had. i come home last night to find her laughing and found out my dog ate 1/8 of weed. My dog. My precious-little-tiny-not-even-two-pound-dog!!!! i asked her how long it had been, and it had been a few hours. You couldn't send me a text message? You couldn't have called a vet? You just sat there and laughed about it as my dog lays all sorts of fucked up on the couch? i don't think so. She left shortly after and i called a vet, who told me my dog was probably not going to make it through the night. He advised i take her to a pet hospital, and of course, the hospital is forty-five minutes away. i started crying and made the calls to the hospital to ask them what they thought. Of course, they told me the exact same thing. They explained that a dog her size can not handle that, and since so much time had passed, there wasn't much to do besides see if by some miracle she would live. They told me to stay up with her all night, try to force some water in her, and keep her warm. They told me i could bring her up to them, but that was going to cost me about $500. They also explained to me that by taking the dog up there, they would strongly recommend me pressing charges on my room mate for animal cruelty, inhumane conduct to an animal, and something else. Also, i could get the police involved since we clearly spoke about a "no drug policy in the house!" i was really torn as to what to do, but i decided to stay with my dog and just see what happens. Everything else could wait.

Throughout the night she would just start yelping and rolling over in all these weird ways. i would try to get her to walk, but she would just fall on her face or move diagonally. She is still alive, but still really messed up, so i have no clue what is going to happen. It doesn't seem good because she cant really keep her eyes open, and her body is really cold.

So, then my night got worse because i was crying to Master on the phone, and He didn't seem to understand it all. At least not at first. He told me the dog would live and not to worry. i was getting mad and i wanted to yell to Him something along the lines of "You are not here watching her die!! You are not the one dealing with this, so of course You think it's all okay!" i really thought He didn't get it. So tension started to rise. Meanwhile, Master was telling me all about how great things were where He is, and it was really hard for me to be happy for Him, especially for what came next.

We started talking about our son. i was crying about how much i miss my baby, and that a month away is killing me. Then, Master informs me that He is planning on staying longer, and not coming back on the agreed upon time. Now He is saying up to another week after!! i freaked out on the phone, and started yelling. First of all, we have a commitment we have to be at in the beginning of September, and i cant go by myself. Master HAS to be with me. No options. i will be crushed if He doesn't come back for that. Then, i feel like He is being so insensitive to my feelings about missing our son. He should understand my love for that baby, and that it was hard enough for me to let him go away from me for a month. Now it's going to be longer? i don't think so. i understand Master's family has never seen our son, and i understand that His family is all scattered around that area, so even though He has been down there a week, He has only seen one small part of His family. i get that. i understand He wants to show our son off to His parents for the first time, i understand that He needs to take care of some things down there. All i know is that i am not up here holding down the home front for Him, hurting inside because i miss them, looking forward to the beginning of September for them to return, for nothing! It's driving me crazy!

i know i shouldn't have yelled at Master, and i know i shouldn't have hung up the phone on Him, but really? What else was i supposed to do. i can not handle more stress, and i feel like that's all that's happening. i all ready lost Master, i lost my son, and now thanks to a shitty room mate i'm about to lose my dog? Why continue? Why do i bust my ass to make things happen for nothing to work and everything to be taken from me?

i don't know how to talk to Master without getting super emotional. i just wish He would know that in the entire time we have been together (3 years) we have NEVER been away from each other for an overnight. Never! i hate laying in our bed alone. i miss the comfort in His arms and the way i curl my body that seems to fit perfectly into Master's. i miss waking up to hearing my son's little whimpers and hearing "mama mama!" It breaks my heart. All i have left is the dog. A dog who is so cute and adorable, a dog that i sleep with now and snuggle with all the time. A dog that seems to be the only thing that greets me now when i get home. Now my dog is probably going to go too?

i want to call Master but i have no clue what to say. i mean, do i apologize for being upset? No. i'm still upset. i feel like He is not in tune to my feelings, and i am sure He feels the same way about me not being in tune to His feelings of wanting to stay down there longer. How can i submit to this? How can i be okay that long? How can i say, "sure Master, whatever You want" knowing that my son and my Master could stay down there with out me for a long while. i want to be a family, i want to be together. If Master wants to move down there, i am all for that, but let's be smart about it, PLEASE!

The biggest fear i had when Master left was that they wouldn't be back. Now that He is delaying coming back, it seems like this is happening. Also, Master is really happy down there, and talks to me on the phone about all these great things and nice places. Okay, lovely. i get it. All i want is for them to come back, and our lease at our new house is up in May. What's wrong with moving in May? To which Master replied with, "because we have said for years we are going to move down there, then we never do." This is true. We don't. We talk about it all the time, and it was supposed to happen this summer after we got married, but everything changed with the big gray cloud situation, and our wedding was off, and so is us being able to move.

i just want to set a goal with Master and get on the same page. i don't want to just "run away" down there because things up here are tough. i'm not saying that's what Master is doing, but it's hard to see a different exlpaination. i know if things were better up here, no gray cloud, and things okay in our relationship, i am certain Master would not want to just up and run down there.

Oh, well what do you know? i just got a phone call from work and they want me to come in and work a double today, so i guess all this will have to wait and i will write more later! ugh! Hey, at least it's more money in my pocket :) i just hope my dog is okay with out me :(

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