August 9, 2009

Another sleepless night

It is after 3:30 in the morning, and i should be asleep. i cant. It was UFC night at work, and of course, it made me miss Master bunches since that's kinda "our thing" together. i miss His smell, His comfort, His touch, His control, His love, His smile, His strong arms that hide me when He holds me, and everything else about Him!

i hate the uncertainty in everything right now. i hate that we are at this place in life that due to outside circumstances, our relationship can crumble. i hate that we have blamed each other through this, instead of clinging to each other for hope. i am upset with myself for the way i have been acting since Master has been gone. i know Master would be upset, and i want to break the patterns, but it feels like the worst kind of addictions, and i am left to fend for myself.

Since Master has left, i have had a problem with alcohol. My family members are alcoholics, and my grandmother even lost custody of all her children due to her addiction to alcohol. i can see how i am heading down the path to addiction. i also know one of Master's rules for me is i can never drink unless He is with me and grants permission. So, i know i am breaking a rule, i know there are consequences, and i know that i have predisposed genetics to possibly becoming an alcoholic, yet i cant bring myself to stop. i can not lay in our bed without sobbing, so some alcohol allows me to relax, and pass out with out the tears. i cant bring myself to come home after work because i am coming home to no Master and no baby, so i stay after work and drink a few drinks so i am in a cloudy state of mind and can go home with no problems. When i am at the house alone, i drink to cope. i don't know a different way, and i don't have anyone here to help. All i have is my family, who see nothing wrong with drinking. In fact, my mom bought me a bottle of liquor the other night! So that should tell you things.

i feel heartbroken inside. i know i am ruining things for myself, but it's because i need that control. i need to know Master is here for me, even through the distance. i need to feel it, know it, and believe it. i need to trust. i need to remember how to follow. i need to remember how to keep my opinions out of things unless asked. i need to remember this is not my body, this is not really my life, it's His. But at the same time, He is not here, He is not really in control because He's so far, and we don't even get to communicate to each other, so it's not like He can from a distance.

i wonder how disappointed Master would be if He found out. i mean, i need to tell Him. i know that. i just don't think it would help anything since He cant help. i need His love more than yesterday. i need His love more than words can say i need Him more than ever before. Yet, i cant have Him.

Tonight when i was done with work, i got offered a few shots. i don't know why, but i turned them down and came straight home. Now, i find myself unable to sleep. Craving the alcohol to put me there. i cant turn off my brain, and i cant keep my heart from aching. i sat outside tonight and looked at the stars. i wondered if Master was where He is, looking at the stars too... i remember a night we had a wonderful talk outside, underneath the stars, and it made me smile and feel Him close in my heart. i clung to that, i held onto those feelings like i never thought to be possible. i want to think of that as i drift off tonight.

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough Cause i'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when your asleep
to hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there will be so much to do
So tonight I drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved,
Is forever enough cause i'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

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