August 25, 2009

Breakdown 101

Last night, i had a breakdown. i am trying to get to the root of everything, and sort out everything, but when i do, i just get more confused and feel less and less of a person. i cant explain what goes on in my head, and i know if i cant communicate that to Master, then how can i expect Him to help?

i don't know exactly what started me off in the wrong direction yesterday. i couldn't sleep Sunday night, so it was hard waking up for work yesterday morning. i also woke up to my lovely time of the month ... so i know that explains some of the yucky-ness feelings. i also had a bad day at work because i got stung by a bee, and got degreaser chemical splashed in my eyes. i also know i am not handling Master and our son being gone anymore. i feel like it's been long enough, and honestly, i am just downright sick of being alone. i failed my class in school that i needed to pass, so now i need to come up with $1,500.00 to retake the class. On top of it all, we have to go back to court for the "big gray cloud situation" here soon, and my stomach gets tied up in knots just thinking about the situation.

So, last night Master calls and we start arguing over getting money to Him. i guess before He left, we just thought it would be a simple process... send it in the mail. Well, it's taking too long to send it to Him normally, but it's expensive as hell to send money to Him overnight/priority mail, and it's annoying on top of that. So Master is getting frustrated on the phone because of things, and i'm getting frustrated because well, because He is. He felt i wasn't putting Him and our son as a priority, and i felt like no matter would i could give or do, it wasn't enough for Him.

Not to mention we were fighting on the phone and i was in front of my mom, which my mom hates Master as it is, so that just fueled everything. Of course, then my mom was yelling at me, so now i have Master frustrated in one ear, and my mom yelling and throwing her crap on me in my other ear. i couldn't take it. i got money to Master, and then Master was relieved and felt everything was okay. Everything was not okay.

i begged my mom to take me home, and when we were in my driveway, i said "i'm sorry you got stressed out by my situation, thanks for running me to get Him some money, i appreciate it, and He appreciates it!" and she said nothing. Just sat there. Seriously? So, i got out of the car and was like, "or not!" (maybe not the smartest thing to say) She then starts screaming and yelling and causing a scene in my driveway, to which in the middle of her ramblings that i was trying to ignore she said "don't call me for anything! You cant have the car ever again, don't call me to take you to or from work, and don't bother me anymore! you have a stupid relationship and the only thing good that came out of it was your son, but you are just going to mess him up!" Wow. Hurtful. Thanks for the support mom!

i understand she said that all in the moment, but still. She means what she says. my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship, and have never been all that close. She is never really supportive of anything i do, and i've learned what she says to my face, is never what she says to the rest of the family about me. i cant trust her, and i was surprised she made it this far into Master's being gone before she finally blew up on me and pounced on me since i didn't have Master there to back me up.

So, Master is a thousand miles away, and everything is fine in His world because i got the money situation taken care of, but little did He know things here were not okay. Then, i get on the phone with Him and i try to keep everything off of Him, but of course, i just start crying and telling Him nothing is okay. i just remember saying come home!! Is life there that good with out me that You don't want to be here with me? i don't understand.

i know i was a wreck, and i know Master probably really does not want to come back to hell here. i just feel like He's abandoned me, or that He doesn't care. He kept trying to calm me down and tell me i would be seeing Him in about a week. A week is one week too long. i needed Him last night, and He couldn't be there.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. i mean, He was there over the phone trying to calm me down, trying to reassure me about everything, but i was such a wreck, that i needed Him physically. i cant explain it really. When i have really bad breakdowns, i go to a scary space. The best way i can explain it is like this:

It's like going to sub-space; except it's not a happy-endorphine filled space. It's all negative, it's scary, and it's dark. i lose all control of myself, i go so deep i don't remember what i'm doing in the moment, and sometimes, i see things. Scary things. In the moment, i tend to hurt myself, i start throwing up, and i cant breathe.

Master knows how to help me in these moments. Yet, last night, He couldn't be there to help me. i was left to my own defences, and that just made me panic even more because i didn't feel safe in the breadown. All i needed/wanted was to lay in His arms and pass out. i couldn't communicate to Master what i needed because what i needed, couldn't happen. Finally Master went to bed and got off the phone. i just curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor (i was throwing up) and just sobbed until i eventually passed out.....4 hours after He went to sleep.

Now, i know people before have expressed needing help for all this. i agree. When i reached out before to a counseling place, they seemed really helpful and things were fine. The only thing was though, is they just tried to drug me up on a shit ton of powerful mood stabilizers. i begged Master not to make me take them, but He felt helpless and said to just try. i felt horrible on all that stuff, and Master and i realized meds were not the answer. We even tried other kinds and still nothing felt okay. On top of the med issue, they reported me to Children's Services and i'm sorry, if you want to see "psycho" take my kids away from me. Nothing, and no one will come between me and my family.... so i said what they wanted to hear, and put on the fake side, and of course, the investigation was all closed. i never went back to that place again. i feel like if i am honest, then boom! my kids will be taken away because i'm "psycho" or something crazy like that...even though all i am trying to do is get help and be better for my family. So, i have shut up about the whole thing.

So, i am left to only being able to be honest to Master about everything. Which means, i depend on Him when it comes to my emotional state much more then the average person does to their partner. The breakdowns are not all that frequent, so i guess in mine and His minds it's "worth" the hell to keep plowing through. *shrug* They happen less then once a month usually, and sometimes i will go months with out one. It really depends on the situation and all.

So yeah, there you go guys, i hope this helps, and i hope it gives more understanding into things. i know someone left a comment about finding the root of the issues that lead to the breakdowns, and i plan on posting on that tonight or tomorrow. It's just this is long enough as it is!


  1. Sorry to hear about your struggles. I will keep you in my thoughts and will be praying that all things get better for you.


  2. I have two comments. First, you need to find strength within yourself. Until you arrive at a point where you can totally depend on yourself, you can't rely on others. I was very dependent at one time on having my (now ex) wife's company. When she went away, I had trouble dealing with it. I had to explore within myself why that was. Until you figure out why you are so dependent, it will keep eating at you. I am guessing not havintg enough love in your childhood has a lot to do with it. You need to figure out what the shadow really is because then it is much easier to confront it. When you confront shadows, they have a tendency to slip through your fingers and still be there.

    Second, you need an activity that will create a safe space. It doesn't matter what it is, but things like exercise or playing a musical instrument can provide great comfort. Even something like meditation--you don't have to spend money learning any of these things, you can learn everything you need to know on the internet. Once you carve out your safe space, you can retreat to it to focus (or space out if that's what you need) your mind.

    You will not get the love you need from anyone else. You must get it from yourself.