August 8, 2009

i'm tied together with a smile but i'm coming undone

i have come to this blog over the past few days in hopes to post, but the words have never come out right, and i have been hesitant to post my true feelings. i am afraid to be completely exposed, i am unsure about some of my feelings, and i am heartbroken over the current situation.

Due to life circumstances, Master and our son are gone with His family for the next month. Master said He wanted this to be a time i learned to be okay without Him, stand my own ground a little, and continue to hold down the home front. Well, i am failing. Miserably. Things at work are crumbling, my friendships are crumbling, i feel so distant from Master, and at home? Well, things are extremely lonely.

Thanks to the "dark gray cloud" situation, our lives became fuzzy and nothing seemed to make sense. Tension rose like crazy, and life seemed to be slipping through our fingertips. So, we did the logical thing... we fought with each other. Like crazy. Through this came hurt, mistrust, anger, frustration, and a longing to have things be the way they used to be. No matter how hard we tried to piece our lives back together, it was not happening. Neither one of us wanted things to end, so we kept working at it. Unfortunately, to no avail... so far.

So, now due to life, Master and our son are gone for the next month. i am left at home, by myself, heartbroken, and hurt. Not hurt by Master, hurt by the circumstances. Hurt that all i could do was push Him away, and now all i want is His control and love. i crave it. i want it. i need it....and i cant have it. We only get to talk once a day, maybe again right before bed depending on my work schedule, and it downright blows. When we do talk, i just start crying because i catch a glimpse of that safe haven he provides, and then i just fall apart. i hate talking on the phone, because there's really no way to sort out your thoughts, it's just a free for all whatever spills out in the moment. As soon as we hang up, i kick myself thinking of the many things i needed to say that i couldn't.

i feel so empty without His presence, and without His control. i cant live like this. i have all this freedom, and i hate it. i am drinking at night just to try and hide the pain that comes from sleeping in our bed alone. Yet, i know one of the ground rules is no drinking without Master. So why? Why cant i control myself? i am holding everything inside, because i cant trust anyone around me. My family is lame, they aren't there, and friend wise? Well, they don't get it. They would love if their men were out of town... freedom calls ya know? i guess that's just a downfall to being so young and having a family. All your friends are at different spots in their lives, and they cant relate.

i miss our son so much. It sucks every morning to not wake up to hearing him laugh and play downstairs with his daddy. It breaks my heart to only be cooking for one person, not my family. i know Master and i are still together, but it doesn't make sense. i'm craving his control, and i don't know how to function without it. So, instead of just somehow holding myself together, i'm falling apart, and spiraling into a deep, dark place that i know is not what i want. i don't know how to express this all to Master. i mean, i don't want Him to worry, and i get so caught up in the moment when we do talk, that i don't talk about what needs talked about.

i have a lot more to say, but i need to get ready for work. i just want things to be okay. i want the normal life back with Master. That is all. i want Him with me, i want our son with me, and i want to take care of my family again... not myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment