February 14, 2009

Fuck Valentine's Day

Just like the title says....


Nothing went as planned, in fact, it turned into a huge fight. So yeah, i am frustrated, Master is frustrated, and the baby? well, is sick... and awake.

forget life. forget everything. seriously, why do i try so hard for it all to crumble?

February 9, 2009

Dear Body

Dear Body,

First, let me say that i'm sorry i continuously call you fat. You're not. i promise. It's not your fault i failed to see how great you truly are. You always let me know when i'm not treating you right. While sometimes, i might not like the feelings that come with that, i appreciate your honesty. It's rare these days, you know. You have your weaknesses- especially that major one that we rarely talk about with anyone- but overall, your strengths far outnumber them. Thanks for sticking with me for these past 21 years.

Hair! You rock at life. i hope you know that. You always have a way of making me feel better. Thanks for cooperating with me each and every day. You don't even know how great it makes me feel to start my day off with us working together. i'm sorry that i've practically killed you on more than one occassion with dye, straighteners,hair dryers, and Master's hands pulling you. And i'm really sorry about the time i tried to dye you red... i'll never put you through such a horrendous act again. i love being blonde. Thank you for showing me, and i'm sorry it was at your expense.

Eyes,you are gorgeous in case you were wondering! You've helped me so much throughout my life. i'm such a visual person, i would be entirely lost without you. i love it when Master can look at you and know exactly what it is i am thinking. Oh, and i'm also sorry that sometimes, i hide you with my hair. It's honestly not intentional.... it just falls there.

Nose! Thanks for allowing me to smell some wonderful things (and some not so wonderful things!) in my lifetime. Thanks for being so perfect. You're not too big, not too small, you're just right, and i love you. Thanks for being so cute and perfect.... and i'm sorry i bashed you into Master's elbow the other night... trust me, i felt your pain! i promise to talk to eyes and have them work on where we are going ok?

Hands! i owe you everything. There is no way i would be where i am in my life without your fingers guiding pens across paper the way they do. You were my ticket out of a place i felt was suffocating me. You didn't let me down. Thanks, hands. i owe you one. i'm really sorry about the knuckle cracking and nail biting business. i'm trying really hard to stop. Oh, and i'm sorry for not really ever liking you for the fact i have my "daddy's hands" ... and well, you've served me as a reminder of a man who has hurt me throughout my life by never being around... i am sorry for holding that against you. It's really not your fault.

Feet! i'm sorry i don't let too many people see you. You're pretty nice, actually. And i'm sorry i enjoy torturing you by wearing those beautiful 6 inch heels for Master's pleasure. We have been through some good times together... and some not so good times. Do you remember the time we ran away? i do. You were so tired that day. Do you remember how much trouble we got into? Yeah, that wasn't fun. Let's not do that again... No, i'm not blaming you, but let's just not do that again ok?

Arms, i'm sorry you're so sore right now. It's for a good cause, i swear! We need to work on you a little bit. Since the pregnancy, well, you're a little flabby and scrawny. Especially you, left arm. We're going to work on that though, we'll get you into shape, don't fret! i am sorry i feel bad about you sometimes, but we will get there, we will make it in time for summer. i promise! And then, i'll expose you to the world :) Deal? Oh, and wrists? i'm sorry i was so rough on you during those really hard depressing times. Thanks for not scarring, now i can move forward, and i promise i will never do anything like that again.

Mouth, oh boy do you get me in trouble sometimes with Master! ugh. Thanks for allowing me to make all those funny faces to the baby though :) Oh, and thanks for providing a tongue that was pierced for Master's pleasure a while back... i really love it! It wasn't that bad was it? Thanks for allowing me to quote Billy Madison all the time, i think Adam Sandler would be proud. Oh, and i'm sorry that sometimes, we push things to far and have to wear the gag for a while.... i will work on that.

Boobs, oh i used to love you so much, but lately? not the case. i am sorry i am so harsh on you! Honestly, i should be thanking you for providing the baby with some wonderful, and abundant supply of milk. You did great! Also, thanks for being so big... i love you for that! i know you make some other girls jealous, but hey, don't feel bad... thanks for giving me something great! Oh, and i know you endure a lot of pain for Master's sake... thanks for being so tough! And you have to admit, when He rubs you afterward, the pain disappears and it feels great right?

Legs, man i love how everyone says you're so long! You make it kind of difficult to find jeans that fit perfectly with heels, and without, but hey, we are working on that. i love you anyway. Thanks for being my most dependable means of transportation, even though i complain when i have to use you instead of the car. i know you need some toning up for summer. We will be hitting the gym here soon... so i know you will be sore for a little while, it will be worth it when i show you off in some cute dresses Master picks out for summer!

Ass! Well, thanks for taking all those spankings from Master i love so much. Oh, and that punishment with the cane? i promise i will do whatever i can to make sure that never happens again. Also, thanks for relaxing and taking Master all the way inside you. i know it was hard at first, but look how far we have come! Speaking of cum, thanks for always taking it! You do great! Oh, and i'm sorry that when we are in public, i hide you by begging Master to have His hand there... trust me, it's not because i don't like you, it's just that i love Master's hand on His property in public. It's a sweet gesture of our love and bond. It has nothing to do with you. Oh yeah, and thanks for not being hair or moley... we might have some issues then!

Stomach, i'm learning how to like you more every day. Like i said earlier, you're really not fat. i can even see fun little tones if i turn just the right way. i'm sorry i can only eat bland foods on this new diet. Just remember to savor the flavor on those once a week cheat days ;) Do you remember that time you had an ulcer? Man, that was awful. Thankfully, those drinking days are over, and i promise to treat you better. Sorry in advance, you're probably going to be mad at me soon... mouth made me eat BBQ Chicken Pizza about thirty minutes ago.Please go easy on me ok? Thanks in advance.

Well body, that's about all i have to say. i'm glad we are still friends, and i'm going to work on complimenting you more every day. In fact, i will make sure from today on, i say something nice every morning when i wake up. i'm going to treat you better, love you more, and let you know how much you mean to me. i'm really trying body,please know that! This negative body image crap has got to go. With Master's help, we can do anything... we've seen that become truth many times before. Trust me okay?


P.S. i am trying to work on this whole compromising on the height thing.... well, i wish you would just grow one more inch. Please? Or else i am going to have to torture legs and feet and start wearing 7 inch heels.... it's up to you body. in the mean time, i will keep my fingers crossed!!

inside my own head

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant

my day has just begun, and i am all ready inside my own head stressing myself out. i am nervous. Since Master and i have been together, i seriously have MAYBE worked a total of 6 months. Master has been a great provider, and has allowed me to stay at home with the children and focus on school. Due to the "big gray cloud" and a dakjdgblbghbghdb of a person (That would be me wanting to use swear words but choosing not to) who is now involved in the situation, we have been barely scraping by since we have spent over $5,000.00 on legal fees and court costs to get this situation over with! (in just the last 2 months thats what we have paid!!!!) So seriously, i have been forced into getting a job to help out for right now.

i had an interview on Friday, and got hired on the spot. That made me feel good, and i was like, hmm maybe i can do this. i am going to be a waitress again, (since it's what i do best!) and it's at a sports bar/grill so i should make decent money thanks to serving alcohol. i have friends who work there, so that's always an added plus. So really, i am trying to look at the positives!!!!

i am scared because without working, i am struggling from day to day to manage the house, the children, Master's needs, and school. i cry every couple of days because it's overwhelming. The baby has stopped sleeping through the night, so i don't sleep very much and i am just drained! The house looks so gross, and when i can pick up a little, it doesn't even seem to make a dent in what needs to be done. So now somehow, i need to juggle work on top of this? i feel like i am setting myself up for failure to be honest.

i am going to be working 4-5 nights a week. So, Master will get home from work around 3:30 and i will have to go into work until late at night. Then, i will get home, probably crash, just to get up with the baby somewhere between 2-5 hours later... that's scary to me. i know myself, i know i cant function like that. i need my sleep or else i am worthless.

i have also heard the management at this place are hard to work for, expect a lot, and if its not done the way they want when they want... there's the door. i really shouldn't judge before i go in there, but i am nervous to say the least!!

Also, since money making nights are the weekends, i will be working Friday and Saturday nights. Now, that means i wont be home until 1-3 am!!! Then, i will come home and want to sleep, and the kids will be up between 4-7, so there's the issue of sleep again. Plus, even if Master does get up with them, i will be sad for missing out on some family time. i don't see us getting much, if any of it. And why? All because of this dhgdjagjdb person i am forced into working. A person i hate, a person when someone mentions their name, i just fill up with anger in 2.5 seconds. i hate the fact that this person is trying to ruin our lives, and in the end, i know karma will get her... but seriously, it's annoying to deal with... at the expense of my family? i don't think so.

i know there are thousands of moms across the world who work and take care of things, i guess the reasons i am upset is because #1, this isn't something Master and i wanted... it's something forced thanks to an annoying situation, and #2, i know myself, and i know my abilities, and right now, with the baby not really sleeping, and me not even taking care of myself, well, i cant even begin to think about adding MORE responsibilities.

Another huge thing that i am really nervous about this job is that i am afraid i will see young people my age out partying, having fun, with no cares in the world... and want that way of life back. i moved out of home at 17, fled to Michigan where i was in a D/s relationship that i knew was abusive, but it was my ticket out of home... so i went. When i got on my own up there, i joined the local scene, but downward spiraled into alcohol and partying. i am proud to say, that since meeting Master, i have never been drunk. Sure, i've enjoyed a drink here and there, but never like it was. No more hiding myself in alcohol. So i am just afraid that being around it, will make me want that life... and now that i am a mother, and have to care for others, i am really hoping it's not an issue. i know Master is here for me, but i would just hate to have to struggle with this again.

i just feel like i have a lot of pressure to do this. i have no clue how i will manage everything, and i really honestly do not see this working out (sorry, but at least i am honest) i am going to go in with a positive attitude, and really give it a try. i just don't want to let Master and the kids down.

February 7, 2009

A butterfly for remembrance

There are moments in my life when i really feel that God is looking down on me, watching out for me so to speak. There are moments when you understand why a tragedy happened, or well, can finally come to terms with what happened. As personal as this story is, i have to share it.

Master and i are getting married in July. We were having issues as far as where the ceremony should be. Master wanted woods, i wanted gardens, Master wanted outdoors, we both wanted a sunset wedding which, was proving harder and harder to come by.

Today has been a not so good day, until this! Even on the way to the location, i was pissy, and begged Master to let me call and cancel our appointment! Of course, He said no lol. (Thankfully) We got there and began the tour of the gardens. Well, every garden was beautiful, they were all too small to hold the number we needed (over 150 guests) i was feeling a little defeated! The wind was blowing the chilliest breeze, and the snow had all turned to ice, so seriously, i thought i was going to fall at any given second. We were all the way to the other side of the gardens, and i saw this beautiful garden, and it looked big enough! As we got closer my eyes began to light up, and guess what was in the backround of the garden? WOODS! So Master was getting all smiley :) Then, as we approached the garden, i saw a memorial sign. The garden name? The Kristen Jackson memorial gardens..... i immediately began to cry, and my heart started racing.

You see, Kristen was a good friend of mine. We grew up together in church, and became close friends. Kristen was there for me through a horrible event in my life (a sexual assualt...followed by an unwanted pregnancy) Here in this small town, the most excitement happens in September, just after going back to school.....The county fair (lame, yes i know but that's a small town for ya!) Well, it's such a big deal, that all the schools in our county shut down for one day, and it's considered fair day! All students get in free, and it's just a really, really fun time. i passed by Kristen throughout the day, never knowing that would be the last time i would be so blessed to have known her.

Kristen went missing for days, none of us could go to school, and at church, we just prayed, and sobbed. We knew Kristen was not the type of girl to run away, and at that point, we knew something tragic had happened. Joel Yockey was later arrested for her murder. Kristen was seen by this monster walking home, (he happened to be a near by neighbor of hers) He offered to drive her home, and she got in the car with him. From there, he raped her, murdered her, and chopped her body into several pieces, and disposed of her in a nearby swamp. Her young life over. Gone just like that.

Kristen's death ripped our whole community apart, and the impact to her friends was devastating. While Kristen was taken from our lives 7 years ago, i still think of her often. These gardens were beautiful, all most as beautiful as she was. i just cried as i realized i am going to be getting married in her garden. What a wonderful way to honor her. Also, her garden is attached to the butterfly gardens, so instead of doing bubbles or a dove release, we have decided to do a butterfly release.... to honor our marriage, and Kristen's life. my heart is overjoyed.

Kristen's death made me think why me Lord? Why did i survive my sexual assualt, and not my friend? Through speaking with her family, and our pastors, i was able to move forward with what had happened to me, by seeing that i lived. i survived, unfortunately, my friend did not. Guilt took over me, which turned to depression, then acceptance, and a vow to never be a "victim." Instead, i became a survivor, and i volunteered to teach a support group for sexually assaulted girls later on.... i did this to honor Kristen. i did this, to let other girls know, not everyone lives.

i cant even really explain how i feel.... i know this is a God thing. i know He is there. This is not fate, it's been part of the plan all along. i cherished my friendship with Kristen very much, but i honestly can not say i would be here if she had not died.... the depression from what happened to me was rotting away my spirit, slowly taking over every part of me. Through her death, i saw light. After the grieving process, i found strength, i found a way to love myself, move past the pain, and appreciate the fact that i was still alive. i knew Kristen would want me to see how fortunate i was. While i mourn the loss of my good friend, i have been able to turn a negative life situation into something positive.

i called my mom immediately from the gardens today and told her the news, and she started crying.... she got in her car, and drove over to see it. We cried and hugged, it was a moment i will remember forever. i am going to make a board and put it next to the memorial sign in the garden. i want people to know who Kristen was to me, and the special life she lived in her short time here. i want to lay some fresh flowers down privately there, probably before the wedding, and just have a moment with her. i honestly do not believe it could get any better than this.

This was the song that was played at her service... Kristen.... thanks for 14 fun years of life. i was honored to call you friend.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin

Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

February 6, 2009

i am crushed! ugh

Ok, so this is a pitty party post!!! Truthfully! i am so pissed right now! i spent a long ass time last night completing a 2,000 word essay for my final project. i was exhausted before i even started, and by the time i was done, i was whipped. So, completely without realizing it, i posted my assignment in the wrong folder online. Now, this doesn't sound like a big problem right? Wrong!

Apparantly it's school policy that if it's not submitted right, it cant count at all... nope, for nothing! So my mistake, just cost me my whole grade, and now i stand no chance at passing. Not only does my effort for that assignment go out the door, but all the time and effort i have put into this class over the past 9 weeks. What the hell? i am so angry, with myself, and the stupid school policy. It's not like i didn't complete it!

i just started crying when i read that from my proffessor. Master understands why i am upset, and feels horrible because He knows how hard i have worked in my classes. i just cant believe it's over just because of one assignment! Now i need to take the class over, and pay an extra $950! Out of pocket, i cant take it out in a loan because i failed. Ugh. This is some serious bull!!

i hope my proffessor replies back with some better news, but it's definitely not looking good whatsoever! And to think, i was going to have a good night tonight... now? ha. Forget it. i wonder why i even bother thinking i can do something. It's times like this, i really wonder.

February 5, 2009

Anger breakthrough

Last night, was a breakthrough. At least, i hope so. Master and i got the baby to bed, and decided to spend some time snuggling. Master was sprawled out all comfortable on the couch, so sat my butt down on the floor, and laid my head in His lap and watched some tv with Him. Together, we shared that moment, laughing, talking, and just relaxing in the comfort of each other. Mater was touching me, i was touching Him, and we were both enjoying the moment.

i closed my eyes and yawned, just laying there, and Master asked me if i wanted to be dismissed and go to bed, which of course, i said no thanks :) Master allowed me to just remain there, relaxing in His comfort, and He then told me to take Him in His mouth. i happily obliged, and really got into it faster than most nights. i began worshiping my Master, a lot of love behind it, getting sucked into the moment, and just taking in the feeling of Him in my mouth. i did not think about anything during that time besides serving Master, and making sure He was happy and pleased! It was such a wonderful feeling, very freeing.

i begged Master for His cum in my mouth, and Master happily fed me :) ... a rather big load i might add ;) After it all, i laid and rested my head into Master's belly, thanking Him for what He gave me, and for allowing me to snuggle with Him. Master and i whispered some "I love you's!" and continued watching whatever was on tv.

This is where things sort of get a little shady in my mind. i remember feeling something brewing up inside of me. i can not explain exactly what it is, or how it exactly felt. i just know, that my attitude started changing.... for the worse. i started whining, i started pouting, and i just don't know... something was not right. i looked up at Master and said, "for some reason, i feel like i have an attitude." i said this to Him, because i was so confused. Why? Master and i just enjoyed a wonderful time together, nothing was wrong, and i was very content and happy where i was (so i thought!)

i don't really recall what happened next, but i do remember Master saying it was bed time. i went up to bed, and got all snuggled in and comfy, and then Master came up shortly after and joined me. i love laying next to Him in bed.... my body fits so perfectly into His... and it's the most peaceful and loving way to end every night. Last night, was just a little different. Oh, i loved being there, and it was wonderful, but for some reason, the attitude was going away, but was turning into anger. i have no clue why, well, it kind of maybe makes a little sense later... but at the moment, i was totally lost.

i was on the verge of crying. In fact, i actually believe i started crying, but i am not quite sure. i definitely was not all there last night because i can not even remember it all *sigh* i know i felt a strong urge somewhere from the anger that i needed a release.... (yes, this means orgasm, but i didn't need it in a sexual way... more like get whatever it was out of me, so no, it wasn't like i just want my nut cuz Master got His!) Master was trying to talk me through the emotions, letting me know that my anger was getting more and more intense. i toldHim i just felt i needed to release whatever was inside of me out. i was begging for His touch, and i was begging to get whatever it was out of me. Master began touching me down there, rubbing slightly, and the feelings intensified. i was on this weird emotional edge. i cant even explain what was going on. i begged Master to allow me to release. He allowed me to, and the next thing i know my whole body was just shaking uncontrollably, and this release was turning painful. Shaky legs all tensed up, and moving uncontrollably, my heart was racing, and i just immediately started crying. After about five minutes of this (yes, 5!! and Master had stopped touching me right after He allowed me to release!!!) i finally started to stop shaking as much, all though, the tears were still flowing. i was slowly beginning to melt back into Him, where i always lay, and Master just held me.

i have no idea how to explain what happened. i have no clue what was really going on inside of me that needed to get out, but i need to find another way to deal with this "anger" and not have it always come out in that way. i need to talk to Master about it again when He gets home so that i can piece together what He remembers (as He will remember it all) and then hopefully i can match it up to what i remember, and figure out things emotionally and mentally.

Has anyone had a similar experience like this? It doesn't really make any sense to me whatsoever! i don't understand why i have these intense emotions at times. Some days, it's perfect and my emotions are cool, but others? oh man. Not so much. i know it probably comes back to the post partum depression i experienced, but i am beginning to wonder if it's something deeper from my past or something. it very well could be, but there's no point in bringing that all in to this until after i talk to Master. Who knows.

February 3, 2009

Just a simple rambling

First of all, sorry everyone (especially libby!!) for my absense these past few days!! i have so much to update, and unfortunately, time seems to be my biggest enemy right now. i have to talk about the other night! Ever since i had my homebirth (natural delivery obviously) i have not felt "back to normal" down there. i mean, we have had sex for quite some time, but i think because we decided to have sex just a few days after i gave birth, that i didn't allow myself to heal properly. (it was not painful though...and we went easy) Well, i never realized how much this really bothered me until the other night.

Master and i went to bed, and started touching and loving on each other. Of course, one thing leads to another, and well, you can guess the rest! From when Master and i first got together, to right before i became pregnant, He was able to make me orgasm and convulse beyond anything i could ever imagine. It would seriously, never stop....eventually becoming painful and would take me to that deep sub space that is so comforting. Well, unfortunately, i have not been able to experience that since i had the baby. i have had orgasms, but they are painful, or short, and then after i have it? forget it, i'm done lol. i just crash! Well, the other night was different. Master allowed me to orgasm, and it was like how it used to be.

i went so deep, i loved it, i loved Master for allowing me to experience this all again, i loved Master for being right there through it all because honestly, it caught me off guard, and i actually had to deal with some things afterwards. i loved my body for finally healing, and i loved the fact that i was able to release something that i had no idea was bothering me in the back of my mind for quite some time.

Afterwards, i seriously cried. i just laid in Master's arms crying and touching Him gently. i know He had to feel pretty good about it all as well :) i'm so thankful i am finally getting back to pre-baby...even down there! ha. i cant wait for another night like that ;)

Everything else this way is going well. Master and i have just been busy!! We have wedding appointments today, and i have my wedding hair appointment practice scheduled for Friday the 13th! haha. Ummm, should i be worried? So i am just excited for that. The wedding dress i ordered should come in in about 2 more months, and i can not wait to try it on after all the customizing and all :)

Well that's all i have time for.... i am going out with my sister and her kid for lunch! :) Playdate!