June 5, 2010

Cry Of My Heart

Look around and see Your wonderful life
It's all most perfect from the outside
In picture frames You see Your beautiful wife
Always smiling but on the inside
Cant You hear her saying

Lead me with Your strong hands
Stand up when i cant
Don't leave me hungry for love
Your chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me You're willing to fight
That i'm still the love of Your life
i know we call this our home
But i still feel alone

Master and i had a horrible day today. Master dropped the "d" word again; (divorce) and it completely shattered my heart to pieces. i don't know what to do or think anymore. Sometimes i firmly believe this whole d/s thing is some false illusion that does not really exist. At least not in our world... anymore.

i am so tired from all the fighting. Master is asleep in the bed right now, and i don't even know if i should go up there. Hell, i don't even know if He would even notice if i didn't come to bed at all tonight. He didn't say a word to me the whole drive home (over 2 hours) it was complete silence and me just left to doubt and question everything in my head because i don't know what the silence was supposed to mean. It was very cold, and i feel like i am falling into someplace dark and scary...yet i am trying to keep myself together for the baby's sake. Ughh.

i will post more tomorrow or something. Let me sort out all the emotions from today.

June 4, 2010

Wandering Mind

Tonight i did something totally out of character for myself. We are having a new deck put on our house, and it looks amazing! It's so cozy, and comfortable, and it's just more then anything i have ever had at any place i have ever lived at (Thank you Mr. Landlord) Well, the new deck has built in lights in the ceiling of it. It's been storming here on and off tonight, and after i put the little one to bed, i decided to grab some paper and a pen and head outside to sit, write, and cry while the rain poured, the lightening struck, and the thunder rolled.

When i first got with Master, i never envisioned our lives being quite like this. Honestly, it was never supposed to turn out like this. i love Master with all my heart. There has never been a time where i wonder if i still love Him. There has never been a time where i have been like, wow this was a stupid choice, but this was just not how Master and i envisioned for our lives together.

i am so blessed to be married to Master. i am even more blessed to have His children. i am so grateful to be pregnant again, and i love feeling this baby move and remember the night we conceived (seriously... we always know the exact time it happens! It's kinda funny) i am blessed to have a Master who takes my thoughts and feelings into consideration. i am happy to have a Master who supports me being at home no matter what the cost. i am thankful Master trusts me with so much, and depends on me for different things.

With all that being said, i am really feeling like a horrible person. ok. Well, not person. Horrible slave. i have not done anything that is directly "slave like" in i don't know how long. Even saying the word "Master" feels so foreign now. It's causing me so much trouble just to type about this all really.

Perhaps i have unrealistic expectations of myself. Perhaps my problem is that i have expectations of myself period... and not relying on only Master's expectations. (That's all beside the point with this post... maybe a topic for next time)

If one of Master's guy friends/coworkers/online buddies were to ask Master to describe His slave/wife ... i would honestly want Master to be able to say with a huge smile how perfect i am. (That sounded totally prissy!) Not in the "i am entitled and i the best with no effort" kind of perfect... i mean the "He trained me and made me perfect for Him" kind of perfect. Unfortunately, if Master were asked that right now, i think He would admit there are ways He is not getting what He needs from me. It hurts to think about.

Tonight while i was outside with the pen and paper, i was thinking about how there is plenty of love, but no more D/s. Seriously. None. Never. Ever. Ever. It seems like we allow lief to creep in and rob us of what we both really want. Why? i guess that's what i need to figure out.

i know Master has said before He wants me to take initiative with it. You know, He's sick of being denied, so He wants me to show Him i am ready again. Well, i don't think i will ever be ready because of fear. So if i am too scared to take the first plunge, and Master is sick of being denied... how can the cycle go back to how it was? i know there have been some terrible things that have happened that have forced us both to put up some walls (completely outside circumstances) but we both have let the other "down" by not being there for the other in a time of need because we were both trying to deal with our own emotions regarding the situation (phew! What a mouth full that was to get out!!!)

i am so ashamed to say this but Master and i have not even had sex in i don't know how long. Seriously. Months. Sure, some of it is pregnancy related... and that's understandable. However, my heart breaks every time i see porn searched on the computer... i understand He has needs, and i understand i am neglecting those needs... so really, it's all my own fault. However, i don't see how to add back in the d/s with the schedules we have. It's just not... practical.

Sure, when we talk about things day to day that need done? Yeah... i ask Master what needs to come first, or i present an idea to Him with the whole "is this ok?" or "what do you think if we did this....." i keep the house clean... i know that's submitting. i work hard to stay up when Master gets home from work to prepare a drink for Him (not alcohol FYI) and ask Him about His night at work... i make sure bills are paid... i take care of the little one... i send Master encouraging texts while He is gone... i wake up with the little one to allow Master to sleep... i help pack His lunches... i do all these small things to just try and make His day a little easier. i understand that's serving... but that's nothing like it was before. Is it wrong to not want to be content with that?

i am so afraid of so many different things. i think the ultimate internal battle is why submit physically and "allow" to have that d/s dynamic back when in 6 weeks, when Master leaves... it will be gone for 8 months. Sure, the mundane stuff i do now will still be there... but no sex, rare contact, and who knows what else. Not to mention i will be adjusting to life with a new baby, and being back in school, plus being a "single parent" while He is gone. i am so fearful to let go, let Master have all the power sexually, and just feel that release again... because in such a short time, it will all be gone again. Why put myself through that? To me it's stupid... yet to Master, it's me hurting Him by not doing it. Why am i so focused on preserving myself? Not on what my Master needs from me? *bangs head into wall*

Tonight i have just been so upset by all of this. i am an emotional mess about it all really. It just downright sucks! i know some of it is hormones, and i know a release like this can be freeing. It's actually really out of character for me... so who knows! Maybe change is on the way ;)

June 2, 2010

Update Time

Sorry for the absence. It's all been baby related. i am very proud to say that i am all most positive the pre-term labor has stopped :) sooo, i am back on track with a great pregnancy, and only 8 weeks left!

That brings me to this next point. i know i mentioned Master would be leaving for 8 months a week before my due date. Master has re-enlisted with the military. (He is prior service) So, he leaves a week before i am due, and we wont see Him for 8 months.

i am all sorts of emotional in regards to this. i am:

Excited for our family, and what this means for us.

Nervous for my abilities to be strong while He is gone.

Sad for not only us being separated for that long, but for the effect on the children.

Anxious to know whether or not Master will be here for the birth of our baby girl or not.

Intimidated by the new way of life that awaits us as a military family.

Blessed to be able to count on a solid job for the next 4 years in a terrible economy.

Stoked that i am back to being a stay at home mother... i am where i belong again :)

Heartbroken that i will be sleeping alone for 8 months.

Scared for what lies ahead for Master in regards to health and safety while He's gone.

in regards to the birth and all, well i feel that right now, whatever is meant to happen will happen. If Master is meant to be here for this birth, help catch our baby, and be here for those first few coo's and whimpers, then that is one amazing thing. However, i am mentally preparing myself to birth alone and send pictures (and a thousand tears) to Master in a package. This is actually why we found out what the baby's sex was, for the simple fact that if Master was gone, He could at least know what we were having... and He picked out the name, which is absolutely gorgeous!

i have a wonderful support system set up, and Master is beginning to feel secure in being gone for the postpartum period. Last time around, i suffered postpartum depression pretty bad, and obviously Him not being around to help made Him very nervous. Now, He is seeing that everyone will be looking out for me while He is gone. i will really owe it to my family, a wonderful midwife, a supportive doula, and many friends.

i have a huge respect for military families, and i know these years will be difficult, yet i understand the importance of them for our family. Master did great when He was active duty before, so i am completely confident He will do the same this time around :) i have all ready been planning little things to do for Master while He is gone. Care packages, projects around the house, little surprises that would mean a lot to Him when He gets back home etc. etc.

i am so blessed, and i am so determined to keep a positive attitude about all of this. There is just that scary dark side of wondering if the worst wont happen, and i wont have my soldier ever again. That's what chokes me up. For right now? i know things are ok, and there is nothing to worry about.

Master, i am so proud of You and the choices You are making for our family! i will be the best military slave/wife You have ever seen! i love You more than anything in the world <3

May 29, 2010

So Complicated

Master and i are so pissed off right now, and i am stressed out beyond belief. i promised i wouldn't make this an "all about pregnancy" blog, but i really, really, really need to vent.

i knew i was having issues "down there" with some serious swelling. Master even commented on it. Well, since we home birth and have a lay midwife, she encouraged us to go make an appointment with the backup OB office that we had seen several times before (and they have always been nice and wonderful) to get a culture done to test for an infection.

Well, i was scheduled with a person on their staff who obviously was not a fan of home birth, and they made my life hell. They refused to do a culture, and Master and i left upset. We had made another appointment, and we figured well, we will just get the culture done at that appointment (2 weeks later) So, the other day, we go to that appointment. Nope. The person who saw us before wrote in the chart we didn't need a culture done. So this doctor wouldn't even look at my "down there" parts, and obviously wouldn't culture me either.

We called the lay midwife and of course i was crying and upset. She encouraged me to call the local hospital and see if they would do it. The next morning i called, and they refused to do it (even if i faxed over my records from the backup OB) because "if the backup OB is refusing to culture you, then obviously they don't see a need for it to be done, so we wont do it either!" They told me to find a family doctor to culture me. A family doctor wont culture me because this is pregnancy related, and they do not do anything pregnancy related whatsoever!

i just cried and told Master i was going to bed, and that evidently, no one cared about this baby like we did (and the midwife) the next morning, i began leaking fluid, cramping, and having contractions that were about a 5 on the pain scale. Master called the midwife, and she told us to head on over to her house. She checked me out and said, it's evidently an infection... and because it's gone so long without being treated because everyone is refusing to culture me, i was in preterm labor at 31 weeks!!

We went to the hospital where my backup OB's practice out of, and we insisted on a culture. i was hooked up to monitors, and i was really uncomfortable and stressed out being in that environment. What do you know? The results came back, and i have 2 infections! The one is kind of severe because it had been sitting so long. The doctor explained to me that it might be too late, so if i am still feeling the pre term labor symptoms, or if they get worse, that i need to go back in, have an emergency c-section, and have this baby live in the NICU for the next 8 weeks or so. (Mind you, the closest NICU to us is 45 minutes away... so talk about a lot of seperation!)

Well, i got the prescriptions started and all, and i felt relieved that at least finally, i was being treated for something i KNEW was wrong. Now, the anger is kicking in. We filed a formal complaint, and hopefully, it doesn't fall on deaf ears. Tonight, i started spotting, so i am really trying to take it easy and not stress. i have been crying on and off all night as Master has been at work, and i have been at home with the toddler running around. i just cant do it all.

Master has been sooo amazing and supportive through all of this. i am such a wreck to be honest. i do not want to give birth in a hospital whatsoever, and i will be so pissed off if my child is subjected to a less than ideal birth experience, and has her life endangered all because no one would do a culture on me that takes less than 30 seconds to perform. Not to mention, this will intervene with our bonding, breastfeeding relationship, and because of everything, i have no clue what would happen with our toddler son.... he cant be at the NICU... and obviously 45 minutes one way i cant just leave him with a sitter or something.

Master and i will be heartbroken if something goes wrong here. i just need this baby to stay in for 5 more weeks... and then we can have the home birth, and move forward!! So please baby, please just get through these next 5 weeks!! That's all we need to do! ok? ok <3

Master will be home soon, and i am very excited about that. i really need to curl up in His arms and just drift to sleep.

May 27, 2010

Happy Ending

The other night Master came home from work and i was awake doing some research on the computer. i could tell He had a rough night at work, and He was evidently dead tired. We talked for a while before heading up to bed, and we quickly went to the normal sleep time position (me curled up with His body over mine, and His hand over me on my baby belly!)

i figured this would be a time to bring some sexual stuff back into our relationship. So, i rolled over, and began kissing Him, and worshiping His chest (which, gets us both worked up!) i felt Him get hard quickly, and then i began using my hand to tease a little. Master grabbed the back of my head and shoved me down quickly to take His hard cock in my mouth..... and......

i smiled and devoured the whole thing :) i could not get enough! i craved His cock in my throat, i craved the smell, the intimate connection, and the satisfaction that i was serving my Master in a way He needed.

i begged for His cum in my mouth, which He happily obliged to. i laid back down next to Him, all snuggled in His arms and just smiled at Him.

i am amazed at what an oral fixation i have. Seriously, never before in my life have i ever craved something in my mouth. With Master? That's a whole new world. If i could somehow find a way to make a pacifier in the shape of His cock, i would be in Heaven... and would never talk again, just suck while the real deal couldn't be in there ;) ha!

May 22, 2010

One Happy Master

Last night's surprise went really well :) i was extremely nervous because well, it's been a long time since i have been able to really go out of my way to do something nice for Master. i was intimidated, and fearful for Him being too tired to want to do anything besides sleep!

So, last night i put the little one to bed, and had a sitter come over around midnight. i went upstairs, put on some makeup, put on a cute top, and grabbed Master an extra change of clothes, some tennis shoes, new socks, and His cologne because i knew He would refuse to go out in public right after work (And He still put up a fight with me even with the extra clothes and cologne!!)

Then, i got in the car, drove to His work, and picked Him up. He was looking at me all suspicious, giving me that weird "i am not sure i want to know what's going on" look, and then i handed Him the stuff and said... go ahead and change :) i'm kidnapping You for the night!

He was hesitant at first, and even argued He should shower first... but i explained i didn't care ;) and reminded Him that i brought the cologne for a reason!

i drove Him to the bar that i used to work at (of course, for this small town it was also the only place open!!) and i treated Him to some beer, shots, and hot wings :) haha. Many of my regulars were there, and they kept wanting to buy me shots... which, they obviously forgot i was pregnant... but they happily bought Master a shot instead ;)

Master really seemed to enjoy His night, and i was enjoying something a little not so mundane. i figured hey, Master hasn't had wings and beer in a while ;) why not? ha.

We got home and when we were in bed, i told Him not to worry... that i was getting up with the little one in the morning... and He could sleep in until whenever He needed to because we didn't have anything on the schedule.

He woke up at noon this morning!!!!!!!!! Seriously?!? Noon! haha. :) i was so happy He had a nice night out and some much needed sleep. i really hope He knows how loved He is... and how much i appreciate all the hard work He is doing for our family. It definitely does not go unnoticed :)

i feel like everything in our Universe is starting to align once again. i am so grateful to be staying at home taking care of the little one, and i am so grateful to be able to spend my days serving Master in a more intimate way besides "bringing home the bacon."

i honestly feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now, and i can not wait for our new bundle of joy to enter this world :) All the changes coming in these next few months are going to take some elasticity to adapt... but i have no doubt we are back on the path we need to be... and we still have love :)

May 21, 2010

Cheers for today

Today was my last day of work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully, forever... but if not forever, at least for quite a while. i was really nervous to see how today would go, and i was determined not to cry. Well, a few hugs from the kiddo's, a few presents later, and some very, very, kind and loving words in the cards i received? And well, i started crying.

i am overjoyed to be a stay at home mom and slave again. Honestly, i know everything in our world functions better when i am at home. Master knows it, i know it, and i am certain the little one knows it ;)

Today also wraps up Master's first week of work in a while. So, i have a special surprise planned for Him! i am a little nervous to see how it goes over, but i am sure it will work out just fine.

See, Master is working second shift, so He doesn't get out of work until 12:30 am or later. Since we have one vehicle, He has been getting a ride to work, then i have been dropping the vehicle off to Him after i am done with work, then i get a ride home, then He comes home to a sleeping house when He is off of work.

Tonight? Nope. That's not going to happen :) Tonight, i didn't take the car to Master's work. Instead, i am making Him walk ;) ahahaha. That would be the death of me ;) No seriously, i have a friend coming to babysit, and i am going to get all dolled up, pack some new clothes for Master, and His cologne (in case He smells after a long night!!) and then i am taking Him to the bar for a few drinks and some hot wings :)

i know He is exhausted, so i am just hoping He appreciates this little surprise as something completely out of the ordinary. After all, this whole week He has told me how He is physically exhausted after work, but mentally? Not so much. He has a hard time sleeping. i am certain, after a few drinks, He will be sleeping just fine tonight ;) ha. And, since i am pregnant, He does not have to worry about who is driving or anything! Obviously, i am not drinking, so nothing to worry about :)

i am having a really hard time staying awake though! Oh man i am tired! i also have so much to do before the sitter gets here! i need to clean, and get myself in the shower and start looking all cute for Master!! Of course, not super cute, because, ya know, i wouldn't want to upstage Him in the looks department at the bar tonight ;) hahaha.

Master... i love You so much!!! i really hope You enjoy tonight as much as i am looking forward to taking You out on the town ;) Thanks for all the hard work You do for this family, and thank You for always being the rock we can count on. i am nothing without You :)

May 19, 2010

Missing Him

i am about to head to bed... without Master. i figured this whole going to bed without Him thing would get easier, but i actually found it easier to do the first night... and every night, it gets harder. i don't quite understand it, but i am seeking comfort in knowing He will be home and in bed soon.

i miss falling asleep to my body curled perfectly into His... His strong arms blanketing over my naked body... and His hand resting on my belly... bonding with our baby. The feeling of security i get from Master being next to me is something i cant put to words. All i know is that i miss it. Second shift can kiss my ass ;) hehe.

i know the little one misses His papa being here too. It's been so adorable. Tonight, the little one took Papa's hat upstairs to bed with him. It was too cute. i know this is an adjustment for everyone, Master included. i know we will make it, and i know we will settle into a routine that works for us.

All i know is i love my Master more than anything.... and i cant wait to snuggle into Him when He gets home in a few hours.

May 17, 2010

Power Struggle

Master and i just endured, by far, the hardest situation we have ever had to in our entire relationship when we dealt with the whole "dark gray cloud" situation. To be honest, i really feel it took a huge toll on our relationship. Now that it's over (at least for now) we need to pick up the pieces and try to move forward. We need to readjust to our roles, and get back to the center that brought us together in the first place. Unfortunately, this is not providing to be an easy task for me whatsoever. i have never felt so torn apart inside, and i am self sabotaging myself, and my relationship with Master.

Prior to the "dark gray cloud" Master was very loving, tender, patient, kind, and all the sorts of things that made Him the perfect Master. He was fair, but sadistic and not afraid to dish out pain when He felt like it. He was in control of everything, and i loved every second of it. i stayed at home, took care of the baby, cleaned, fed the animals, budgeted our money, and always had small, sweet surprises awaiting Master.

When the "dark gray cloud" hit, our whole worlds changed. Who knew that our lives were going to be forever changed, and flipped upside down. Master fell into a funk, and i was forced to step up and carry the family. i dealt with all the financial woes that comes from spending thirty thousand dollars on a court case, and i dealt with all the lawyers to keep it all off of Master. Master and i spent many sleepless nights crying and grieving, completely afraid of what our future was going to hold. i worked two jobs, i worked 7 days a week, and in between all that, i tried to really reach out and spend time with the baby. i felt so guilty as a mother for having to subject such a small child to so much stress and turmoil. (Honestly though, he is one happy toddler, so i am certain we did a damned good job of keeping it off him, but the guilt factor was definitely there in the moment)

Now, the situation is over, and Master and i can move forward in our lives together, and with our children. However, i am finding the adjustment back to be one complicated road block after another.

i should see that by me stepping up and carrying our family through a very dark time, i was serving Master in the way He needed me to serve at that time. However, it is very hard to overlook how my needs were neglected at certain times due to looming cloud. There were many hurtful times over the past year and a half that this court case has lingered, and because i knew talking about it would push us over the edge, i just held it inside and focused on what the next day brought. i honestly think i started preserving myself in case i lost my Master. i was that fearful.

Now, the situation is over. Master and i sleep well at night, and i can breathe easier. We have enjoyed each other again, and we are focusing on all the things we neglected over the past year. Here is where the problem lies. i am struggling on giving the power back to Master. You know, i did a damned good job ... and well, i just believe i can do it just as well as Master *smack my head into the brick wall now i know*

Not to mention, i am fearful to get all mooshy-gooshy again, and submit all of that back to Master, because in 9 weeks, He will be gone for 8 months. That's scary, and sad, and awesome all at the same time. i want nothing more than for things to function like they did over a year ago. However, my heart is like woah, kitten... do you REALLY want to endure all that again when He is gone this time!??! i mean honestly... hell no! i was a wreck. Granted, the circumstances are much, much different.

i know things will shift a little when i quit working in a week (3 more work days and i am on maternity leave.... forever!!!!!!) WOO HOO! i know, by being at home again, i will naturally fall into the domestic role, and naturally seek ways to please Master. i know that at least in that aspect, the submission will come fairly easily, and quickly.

i have so much more to say, but unfortunately, i have to go for now. Hopefully, i can chew on some of this, and focus my thoughts where they need to be so i can move forward.

May 7, 2010

I need sex!

Welp! The title is pretty self explanatory! Ugh. Unfortunately, Master and i have had so much going on, we have not been able to enjoy and explore any intimacy lately. It's making me crazy!!

i am having an annoying pregnancy complication, and there is nothing i can do to fix it besides birthing... so that's just lovely. Still 12 weeks or so to go... blah. On the positive side, it's nothing that will impair my home birth... so yay for that! i guess i should just look on the bright side ;) It's just a little hard when your vagina feels like it's falling out, and you can barely walk because of the swelling and pain :( ugh.

Master was in a terribly grumpy mood last night! He wouldn't talk about why really, but i seriously think it had to do with His doctor's visit. Master has not been to a doctor's office as long as we have been together! He needed to go to the doctor for some help with His knees and getting a cortisone shot or two before He leaves (Oh yeah, i still need to blog about where He is going.. shit!) So, this doctor is pretty funny. He was saying how next to Master, He felt like a mosquito because of Master's physical fitness level and all. ha. The bad news was that for some reason, Master's blood pressure was high there, so they hooked Master up to this monitor that checks His blood pressure every thirty minutes at home for twenty four hours. *snickers* He is very annoyed. i tried to be supportive... you know... telling Him how sexy that blue cuff looks on His arm ;) but Master wasn't feeling it!

i figured i had better not push my luck, and decided to snuggle with Him last night while He watched a movie.

Hopefully, when He wakes up here soon, He is in a much better mood! After all, He gets the cuff machine taken off today... so He should be ;)

Oh, and i felt completely stupid because i attempted to finish the landscaping by myself last night, and i failed miserably. i could tell Master wanted to say so much more, but He was simply nice about it and said we would fix it over the weekend. Whoops! i was trying to make it easier for Him, and just get it finished, but what do you know? i make it more complicated and bring on more work ;) Seems to be a typical pattern in this house ha.

Everything else is going fine besides the lack of sex! Ugh. At the same time, i am so fearful to have sex due to the problem i am having down in my vaginal area. i really, really, really, really hope it gets better!!