May 17, 2010

Power Struggle

Master and i just endured, by far, the hardest situation we have ever had to in our entire relationship when we dealt with the whole "dark gray cloud" situation. To be honest, i really feel it took a huge toll on our relationship. Now that it's over (at least for now) we need to pick up the pieces and try to move forward. We need to readjust to our roles, and get back to the center that brought us together in the first place. Unfortunately, this is not providing to be an easy task for me whatsoever. i have never felt so torn apart inside, and i am self sabotaging myself, and my relationship with Master.

Prior to the "dark gray cloud" Master was very loving, tender, patient, kind, and all the sorts of things that made Him the perfect Master. He was fair, but sadistic and not afraid to dish out pain when He felt like it. He was in control of everything, and i loved every second of it. i stayed at home, took care of the baby, cleaned, fed the animals, budgeted our money, and always had small, sweet surprises awaiting Master.

When the "dark gray cloud" hit, our whole worlds changed. Who knew that our lives were going to be forever changed, and flipped upside down. Master fell into a funk, and i was forced to step up and carry the family. i dealt with all the financial woes that comes from spending thirty thousand dollars on a court case, and i dealt with all the lawyers to keep it all off of Master. Master and i spent many sleepless nights crying and grieving, completely afraid of what our future was going to hold. i worked two jobs, i worked 7 days a week, and in between all that, i tried to really reach out and spend time with the baby. i felt so guilty as a mother for having to subject such a small child to so much stress and turmoil. (Honestly though, he is one happy toddler, so i am certain we did a damned good job of keeping it off him, but the guilt factor was definitely there in the moment)

Now, the situation is over, and Master and i can move forward in our lives together, and with our children. However, i am finding the adjustment back to be one complicated road block after another.

i should see that by me stepping up and carrying our family through a very dark time, i was serving Master in the way He needed me to serve at that time. However, it is very hard to overlook how my needs were neglected at certain times due to looming cloud. There were many hurtful times over the past year and a half that this court case has lingered, and because i knew talking about it would push us over the edge, i just held it inside and focused on what the next day brought. i honestly think i started preserving myself in case i lost my Master. i was that fearful.

Now, the situation is over. Master and i sleep well at night, and i can breathe easier. We have enjoyed each other again, and we are focusing on all the things we neglected over the past year. Here is where the problem lies. i am struggling on giving the power back to Master. You know, i did a damned good job ... and well, i just believe i can do it just as well as Master *smack my head into the brick wall now i know*

Not to mention, i am fearful to get all mooshy-gooshy again, and submit all of that back to Master, because in 9 weeks, He will be gone for 8 months. That's scary, and sad, and awesome all at the same time. i want nothing more than for things to function like they did over a year ago. However, my heart is like woah, kitten... do you REALLY want to endure all that again when He is gone this time!??! i mean honestly... hell no! i was a wreck. Granted, the circumstances are much, much different.

i know things will shift a little when i quit working in a week (3 more work days and i am on maternity leave.... forever!!!!!!) WOO HOO! i know, by being at home again, i will naturally fall into the domestic role, and naturally seek ways to please Master. i know that at least in that aspect, the submission will come fairly easily, and quickly.

i have so much more to say, but unfortunately, i have to go for now. Hopefully, i can chew on some of this, and focus my thoughts where they need to be so i can move forward.

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