August 19, 2009


i feel horrible. i wish i could just talk to Master, but i am certain that after last night, i am the last person He wants to talk to. This post is going to be hard to get out, but i am going to try.

Since Master and our son have been gone, i have pretty much been a wreck. Sure, there are days where i handle it better than others, but in reality, i am broken over it. It's hard to wake up, it's hard to fall asleep, it's hard to focus on anything i am supposed to be focusing on. Instead, i feel this intense hurt. Hurt that i can not be there to please Master. Hurt that i am a horrible mother because i am away from my baby. After all, a baby needs their mother right? And i am not available to him. i am a slave. i am a mother. i always wear these hats. Now, i feel as if i am neither of these things. i have tried to speak to Master about my feelings, but it lead to fighting, so i quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, say what Master wanted to hear, and pretend that i am okay.

Last night, i broke. i lost it while on the phone with Him. i mean snot down my face sobbing, unable to breathe, and i was so worked up i even threw up a few times while talking to Him. i felt horrible for unloading all these feelings on Him, and i explained that i know this was not what He wanted to hear. i have never been without Master, or my son for that matter. i do not know how to miss them, and not have it affect my day to day life. They have been gone for 15 days, and they are not planning on being home until the first of September. That means 14 more days or so. Another two whole weeks. i was sobbing telling Master that i do not think i can make it another two weeks. i do not mean to "ruin His fun" or anything of that sort, but i am completely unstable and not sure i will make it through two more weeks.

i even made an appointment at this counseling place, ya know, since i knew Master did not want to hear about everything, i went there. Of course, they did not seem to understand because she was saying how it needs to be about compromise. i left that place feeling more confused than before i walked in there. It is not about compromising for me, it's about pleasing Master. What Master wants is for me to be okay for another two weeks without Him or our son. i do not know if i can make that happen. i wish i could, but i have had things spiral out of control here (partially my fault, partially outside stuff) and i don't know how to function with out Him. Is this unhealthy? i am pretty sure Master feels it is.

i just feel like Master and i made this decision for them to be gone for a month without really realizing the reality of my emotional state. i just feel like i set myself up for failure by coming up with this idea. Sure, in a perfect world, i would be okay with them gone. But reality knows i am not. And honestly, we should have seen that i could not handle a month.

So, last night Master kept asking me what i wanted from Him. i kept sobbing and saying i don't know. i know what i wanted is for them to come back, or me to go down there with them. i knew if i said that, it would cause a huge fight. So i kept my mouth shut and played stupid by saying i don't know. The thing is, i know Him coming home is not an option.

First of all, Master would always resent me for it. It is not my place to come between Him and what He wants and needs. What He needed was some time away, i get that. i just think a month was much too long. i also know that Master is sick and tired of my emotional mess. i know this cant change overnight, but it needs to change soon before our relationship ends. The thing is, how do you fix it when you cant seek counseling? Medications have never seemed to work, they just seem to mess me up, and talking with Master about it only goes so far before we both have our emotions invested and clash and fight with each other.

Finally, towards the end of our conversation Master calmly, and quietly said, "i love you" i cant describe what happened next, but something just suddenly calmed down inside of me. i guess i just needed to hear it. i know what i wanted was for them to come home, but i know i need to ride this all out. i need to make it through this. i need to come out on top.

i want Master to come home to a nice, "new" house, with a slave who looks happy to see Him, is well put together, and who can take care of herself. i know i am too hard on myself, and i need to realize i cant be perfect and do it all. Life just does not work that way.

i didn't sleep at all last night. i was awake thinking about everything, and i was afraid to sleep because i had to be up early and was afraid i'd sleep through the alarm (it happens!) i am exhausted, but i am also thankful to have finally been able to get things out there to Master. i know holding back and hiding does nothing for me. i need to be honest, even if it's not what Master wants to hear right away.


  1. kitten--

    you are posing what is obviously a very complicated problem. I am curious whose suggestion it was that Master go away for a month, because it sounds from some of your comments like He asked for it, but from others that you wanted it for Him.

    One truly important thing you need is a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps writing about it on your blog was enough, but I firmly believe real shoulders are better than virtual shoulders.

    I am rather new to the D/s dynamic, so maybe my next comments are out of line, but I also firmly believe Master has to provide you with that shoulder. It is fine to be a slave, but when you can't even express your emotions without your partner beocming angry with you, that is unhealthy. Since you have placed your complete trust in Him, He has to provide you with complete protection. Obviously, you have some deep seated issues. Being alone is never easy for anyone who is accustomed to a loving partner, but you have reacted in a much more extreme way than many would. You need him, and he needs to recognize that.

    Ultimately, if you need counseliing from an outsider, it will do you no good unless you tell them everything. Maybe you are afraid they will tell you what you are doing is unhealthy, but unless you can find someone who understands where you are coming from it's like a doctor trying to diagnose a disease without knowing the symptoms. Imagine if a patient when to the doctor with cancer, but was afraid to tell the doctor his real symptoms for fear the doctor would say he had cancer! I'm not saying your lifestyle is sick, it is what you have chosen and what you love, but you need to tell the whole story if you are going to see a counsellor. Maybe I should start a counselling service for subs!

    Dig inside yourself and ask why you feel the way you do. Did you have some abandonment issues when you were young? Feel unloved or have an abusive parent that made you feel small? I don't know what it could be, but there is something inside you that sets you off. If you can confront the root of the problem, it is easier to handle its tangled web of branches.

    The only other advice I have is find something you love to do and spend your time doing it. I know you said you wanted everything to be in perfect order for Master when he gets back, but you need to take care of yourself first or everything will be in Hellish order. It doesn't matter whether what you are doing is productive or not, but find something you can engage in. Do you have girlfriends? Any hobbies or great loves? Watch movies and eat popcorn if you have to. I tend to masturbate a lot when my wife is gone, even though I know it is not the healthiest response, but it relieves my anxiety.

    Good luck, I hope you get through this. You need to, because absence is sometimes an invetible part of relationships!

  2. Well said, Master Tom. Many questions from here as well, but also much compassion. I hate to see anyone hurting, so I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Be well, my friend.