September 6, 2009

i am willing yet i'm so afraid

i just can not understand why i have these big huge fears when it comes to submitting again. i mean, i did it before, and it was pure bliss.... so why the fear now? *shrug* All i know is it is causing some not-so-good-waves between Master and i.

All i want is for Master to be pleased. i want Him to be happy, i want to see that look in His eyes again. You know, the look where i feel like i'm not about to be replaced because well, i just suck. *shrug* Yet, some where along the way, i have lost sight of how to do this or when i am feeling extremely playful and ready to go, Master is not, and of course when Master wants to be pleased, i am about to pass out from being tired or just worked a double or whatever... so of course, my attitude is not where it should be.

i will be the first to admit i am beginning to lose faith in the whole d/s dynamic relationship stuff. i don't get how two people can want this so bad, yet not be able to make it work. Maybe it's from all the past hurt we have dished out on the other, maybe it's because we are just not compatible anymore like we were in the beginning. Who knows. All i know is i want to take that next step, but i cant get myself there. i know my heart wants to do it, but my head keeps running all these things through it as to what can go wrong, or how i will do fine for a few days, then things will go back to the "old way" and then i just gave Master a false hope. i hate that. i hate how it makes Him feel. i really do, and when i see it, it makes me shut down a little more. i am so afraid that eventually, i will stop trying to open up ... just shut down and stay that way.

i know this has been a bit of a big ramble, but i have to go work a double today... and i'm running a little late! Master just know i love You, and i want things to be better... i just don't know how to take that plunge anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you! J and I are having a tuff time. We both want this life (me probably more him)and yet we can not seem to make this work. It is driving me crazy. I was starting to feel like I was alone in this.