April 26, 2010

Dear Self

Dear self 5 years ago,

You've just made a really horrible choice. Interestingly enough, you will eventually find out that making choices is sort of a gamble for you: necessary at times, but not something you are particularly that good at. That whole "fork in the road" thing? It is not really like that because everything you're going to do over the next 5 years is a choice, a decision point, that will take you to where I'm at now. Every single moment you'll do something that will change the course of your future. Some of the stuff is going to go horribly wrong. On some level, you probably all ready know this; and while we both wish you would have recognized this earlier, it is now much too late. I mean, it's not going to be good; you'll end up lying to yourself, to others, become numb, and lose who you are completely.

I know you want to be something better. You have always had that goal for yourself. Well, I hate to tell you, but you will only fail yet again. Another chapter of your life will be sealed shut, and a failure stamp placed upon it. Time to pack up and start over again, this time, harder to get up than ever. You will find only yourself there to make the choice for you to either persevere or give in, and knowing that making decisions is not something you're good at, you'll probably end up choosing the wrong one and continue down a path of self destruction. Just remember, no one can ever believe in someone who does not believe in themselves first.

Now listen, here's the good news - eventually, one day, all those trials are going to get you to a place where you will feel clean. You will be worse in the sense you will be worn down because of all of it, but as long as you can recognize this now, it may help you in the long run.

Despite everything, I am grateful to you. Some of the things that will come in the next few years are joyful beyond comprehension. Know also that this is coming too. Best of luck with it all!
Love you,
5 years

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