It's not always daisies and whips

Sometimes i find myself caught up in measuring my worth based solely on how much hard core BDSM "playing" we do. Lately, due to the schedules and pregnancy, this has not been happening. i have found myself empty and feeling worthless. My personal view of myself is solely based on this simple calculation:

Sexy BDSM "playing" = my complete worth

Never mind me being a great mother to our child.

Never mind me working and bringing home a paycheck for us to live off of.

Never mind the cleaning and cooking i do when i get home from work or on my days off.

Never mind how i keep the financial stresses away from Master so He can be more relaxed.

Never mind all the laundry loads i wash and fold during a single week.

Never mind being the family schedule juggler to make sure everything is ready and works out just fine.

Never mind Master reassuring me 1,000 times how pleased He is with me.

Nope. None of that matters. That's just mundane stuff, and who cares?

i have a personal hang up on the way i am viewed as worthy to my Master. i need to fix this. i see how it can negatively affect our relationship. i wish it could be the fantasy world, where Master has me in a dark room, and i am left there just to my thoughts, with only the silence there to comfort me, until Master appears and decides He needs to use me for His pleasure. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Reality is that there are things needing my attention that are not so fun, not so sexy, and not so calm.

Someone asked me recently why i don't feel like me being a great mother is showing Master how much i value Him, love Him, and cherish the family He so graciously allowed me to have. My simple answer is this:

It's a mother's duty (vanilla or not) to take care of her children. To nurture them, love them, provide for them, guide them, and teach them to the best of her abilities. So what, or how, am i giving something to Master that is of worth if every mother/wife in this world does (or should be doing!) it?

i know Master is proud of how i nurture and parent. i know Master is proud of my holistic views. i know Master is proud of how i am such an advocate for home birth, breastfeeding, and not vaccinating. i know He is proud of most things i do. i know Master trusts me 100% with our kid's lives.

i guess i just don't hold any value in that, because every husband should be proud of their wife for her views... or why the hell are they together?

i would be so much more fulfilled if Master was able to brag about my amazing slave abilities. i was thinking while laying down in bed last night, what do i do within the pleasure spectrum of BDSM for Master that i know makes Him proud? i promise you i had that whole "deer caught in the headlights" look on my face. i couldn't think of a single thing.

i am sure there are some things, hell at least one thing. So why am i somehow lacking the ability to see it? How is my attitude towards slavery right now, affecting the way i serve Master? i am certain it pokes its little head through.

Oh, i know i used to take His cock deep in my ass. That was years ago. Oh, i know i used to have Master just fuck my throat and make a hot slobbery mess of my face... but that was months ago. i know i used to take all the pain Master could dish out, all while begging for more (including the time He broke a cane over my ass!) ... but yet again, that was a while ago.

i understand i am pregnant. i understand this means limits on what we do. So why can i not accept that and believe that whips and chains aren't necessary?

All through today, i have been making myself more aware of the mental aspect instead of moping about the physical aspect. It must be helping, because Master has noticed. i feel closer to Him today than i have felt in a while, and i honestly cant wait to get upstairs... snuggled up in our nice cozy bed and just worship Master's body tonight... yum!